Getting over betrayal and lies linked to porn- wife of fapstronaut.

Hi Meowkowski,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Maybe counselling would be a good path for you and your husband to embark on? That's really all I can suggest. It might be a good healing process for the marriage.

Try not to be too hard on him. Remember that we all have our faults and things that we are trying to perfect in our lives.

All the best.

 

Meowkowski, I feel that gut wrenching pain to, but from the other end--all those lies I've told the people I hold most dear. You have every right to feel the way you do, but I'm glad you're reaching out for help.

It seems like in all the internet browsing I've done over the years about porn addiction etc., for every two people looking for help stopping their addictions, there's a hurting spouse also in need. I don't think nofap was made with vicitms of fapstronauts in mind, but I'm sure there's a bit you could learn here. First off, please understand that your husband is an addict. This isn't him getting back at you for something, or because he doesn't care about you, but all those lies and shit he's done, yeah, all of us on here would just shake our heads because we see it in our own lives all too often--takes one to know one.

Understand also that for every lie he's told you, there's a hundred more he's told himself. Even if he admits he struggles with porn, he's going to lie to himself that he's not addicted and can quit whenever.

That last important lie you're going to encounter is the lie that he doesn't love you. The vast majority of all spouses who struggle with this actually love their significant others and families. If there's one thing you can learn from this forum, learn this.
See here:
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?14547-Telling-my-wife-tonight
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?15341-Where-do-i-even-start

And there's plenty of other stories. Browse the threads a little and maybe get some insight into your husband's world.

So trust. That's not going to be easy. The equation for trust is this: Time + Truth = Trust. What truth? The truth that he's open to you about his actions. The truth that he's taking a step forward to overcome his struggles. The truth that you're willing to have faith in him.

I'm not sure how much I can help, so I did a quick google search and found these pages that might give you some clarity and support:
http://www.pornaddicthubby.com/index.html
http://www.covenanteyes.com/2011/11/15/7-questions-wives-of-porn-addicts-often-ask-part-2-of-3/
http://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/03/04/when-love-has-to-get-tough/

I think the bottom two would be very helpful for you. I'm not trying to send you away, just looking for something more specific to your situation. If you need somewhere to vent your frustrations and anxieties, or have more questions, please use this forum as often as you need. I think it helps us fapstronauts to see this thing from other eyes.

 

I hate to say it but its really up to him. I mean I wish I could say this and that but the addict has to want to quit more than anything else than he will quit but if he feels looking at it and having you is easy to do then why go through the pain of withdrawals. He will lie, he will deny and he will be somewhat distant. But if he truly wants to quit then he will.

I wish I had a girlfriend as supportive as you. But all you can do is be supportive its his fight his battle. Good luck to the both of you it will be long and hard but I'm sure he's worth it just take it one day at a time.

 

Think about the reason why he lied to you.
I myself think that you husband lied because he loves you. He tries not to hurt your heart. He hopes that his wife has a perfect husband. That's why he lied. I think he is struggling and failing.
Communicate with him.

God bless you two.

 

Meokowski,

Thank you for posting. Your husband is me. I don't know how to help, I can't even help myself. I can say this I bet your husband loves you deeply. I can't even tell you how much I love my wife. I didn't start fapping till 3 years ago. We've been married 7. I haven't told her. It would destroy her. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to tell her because I need her help but like i said if I tell her it will destroy her. I bet this is how your husband feels. Thanks again for posting.

 

You are not the cause of his addiction and this had nothing to do with any inadequacies that you might think you have, but actually don't.

I think the question is, why is he lying? The people who struggle with PMO addiction confide in others because they want to defeat the addiction and they need the support. He is clearly not trying to protect you because you already know about the addiction. So it seems to be that he does not want to give it up, and by not telling you he was hoping to continue the behavior. So what is going on that is so important that he needs to keep this up? Have you had a serious discussion with him? Has he started becoming honest after you discovered what he was doing? Either he is in denial that there is a problem, or there is some other reason that he is not being truthful.

 

My wife knows about my addiction and has expressed readyness to talk always when urges are coming up.
However the reason I don't tell my wife when I feel those nasty desire is my deep need that she is proud about me.
This shameful addiction is the opposite of a strong and reliable men, which I wanna be for her. I sometimes just can't bear that she sees this ugly side because it would rightfully destroy her pride in me.