Forgive us Lord, for we do not know what we do

Okay, this is a question to anyone out there that can relate to this, what I'm about to ask.
Has anyone deliberately looked at porn, not for the sake of mere sexual pleasure, per say, but for the sake of self-disgust? This may sound like a strange question but as abusers of porn, more or less, to a certain degree, we can all understand the concept of disgust. I'm just asking because it is an ordeal that I'm facing now and yet I do not know what it is. It's very ambiguous, one of those things that seems to be located in the realm of the unconscious or something along those lines.
It reminds me so much of Christ's words: "Forgive them, Father, for they do not know what they do." It hits home because I do not know the meaning of this particular situation. It is just done out of the sake to invoke self-disgust, self-hatred, self-debasement, and not for the mere wanton of seeing people getting rammed and prodded on screen. It is after the deed is done that I just look at myself: "Why do you do this? Why are you killing yourself?!" And you know what, I am! I am doing so much damage to myself and it's as if I'm doing it just to feel it, I don't know. I believe it has to do something with a syndrome called "depersonalisation", but I'm not going to go too deep into that. I tear myself apart from my values, I reap what I sow. There is self-disgust and loathing to be expected, and in the end, there is. I am not living up to my values and I am paying a heavy price for such a cheap product. I don't even go to porn sites. I just go to Google images and look at porno pictures!
If there's anyone out there that can relate to this, do you have any kind words to offer?