Forget confidence, be courageous. Forget motivation, get discipline

My story, I think I started masturbating to phone sex when about 13, which racked up my parents phone bill. So imagination and fantasy to school girls and some Sunshine girls on the paper was mostly what I had. I started having access to internet porn with 18. Lesbian porn has always been my favourite and I actually hardly went more desensitized than that. Never liked even the thought of children, gangbangs, or hardcore. Always liked the gentle smooth stuff of legal aged women. But I always hated my addiction, often masturbating more than once and sometimes 20 times. Because of religious shaming I always knew it was wrong but couldn’t stop until I turned 22. Stopped for a few months, got depressed and started binging bad. Stopped again for some more months, binged then stopped for about a year and again binged. This happened on and off and at one time I came to over two years free from pmo. Got married with 31 to the best women in the world. Exactly as beautiful and slender as I ever wished my woman to be. Still got back on addiction and eventually confessed where she told me she loved me, supported me, but would leave me at least for a time if I would relapse again. Now I relapsed multiple times after that and didn’t tell her. I found out about nofap just over a year ago. Went free from porn and masturbating for 9 months but after some depression in life relapsed again. Never thought I’d be 39 (current age) and deal with this s**t! Starting today here to have community. I want to confess to my wife but only after I’m2 years strong. Love her! She’s the best! In my fap journey I never struggled with erections. Always was able to keep very hard for hours even after orgasm. But always had trouble with premature ejaculation and still struggle with that. But right now I need to get this for good! Currently I’m Reading and making notes from “your brain on porn,” and “how to win friends Influence people.” Workout every day with low bar of just few minutes. Cold showers every day followed by a warm just because my body doesn’t warm up easily, meditating, and a few other good habits are already a staple. Had a few hours of a porn binge and masturbated twice just now and vowing to stop altogether with porn and masturbating! I will hit a depression phase about 9 months down the road and will need to revisit my past and connect well with my emotions then. For now i should be be good I think. I know I shouldn’t take on too many habits, but these habits are already part of my life for almost 10 months so it’s not too overwhelming to me. I like to day-count because it really gives me energy. I will aim for three years free from PM.

 

I’m past my 4-day check mark, looking to day-7 checkmark on Monday. Feel better about my accomplishment. Overcame my guilt and shame emotions. Was able to keep very busy. Listened to god content while working. Watched good content by “Scandinavian Bob.” I congratulate myself! Had quite a bit of sleepless nights and still overcame urges!

 

I want to share that the video from "Scandinavian Bob" with this title, "Go From STUCK in Life To DOMINATING - in 1 Year Or Less!" from Youtube, has helped me very much in mental sobriety and keeping a structured mind!

 

Celebrating Day 7 today. Next checkpoint is next week Monday, which will be day 14. Will be exercising, meditating, and cold shower almost every day. One key to my last streak was to get up right away. Actually that's where I relapsed when one day I didnt do that. Anyways, Thanks to every one's support! We're strong!

 

Day 9 today. Strong urges. I liked them. I welcomed them. Transmitted them into work. Good success. Didn’t follow our feed the urges, just felt them and enjoyed them.

 

Day 12. No P or M. Mind is coming back to normal thinking patterns. Relationships improving. Lot's of anger though. Just watched Gabor Mate on anger/rage. Says we should not suppress it. Very interesting. Think I will read his book. I like Jordan Peterson and Gabor Mate. I think a good balance of both of their teachings is commendable. Keeping my habits on a daily basis. Like "Scandinavian Bob" said, "forget confidence, work on courage. Forget motivation, work on discipline!"