First time ive ever really felt lonely

seth · Apr 19, 2016

Here's my most recent journal post

==

My 110th Day

When I look back on the last month or so, id say they've been pretty positive. Even when things have gone wrong - I find I've been able to pick myself up and be positive.

Yet when I look at my past journal posts (not this journal but one in which I write a few lines a day for 5 years) I notice I say I'm lonely a lot. And I'm feeling quite lonely now. Yet for some reason, I don't let this be an overarching emotion. I don't use lonliness to describe my days. But I feel it a lot.

What I'm feeling in particular is a strong desire for touch. I want to hold the hands of someone I'm attracted to. I want to kiss her neck. No one in particular now, but I can tell I want that more so than usual. I've had cravings for p and m recently but I realize I don't want the dopamine. I don't want the orgasm. I really want the escape from this loneliness.

It kind of started with that girl I was crazy about who said she wasn't emotionally available. Prior to her, I was thinking that I don't want to be in any relationship. I wanted to maybe fool around, go on dates, but for the most part, I wanted to maintain my independence and stay single. But after meeting her, I totally wanted to be in a relationship with her. It was so worth it.

So now that I'm more open to being in a relationship, it stings that I don't have any prospects. For the last week or two, when I've been bored, I've craved pmo just because I want that touch. That intimate connection. And I don't have it now or in the immediate future.

I wish I could end more positively but I'm just feeling a bit bleak now.

Veritech · Apr 19, 2016

@seth I admire your New Years resolution.

One day that special someone will come. She will be a lucky woman. She will be fortunate to not have a guy who PMOs and someone who will not objectify her.

I remember just looking out there and everybody seemed to have a girlfriend except me. I remember the feeling of lonliness.

But one day, unexpectedly, I met a lady and my whole life changed for the better. My wife makes me a better person.

You just have to be yourself and use available resources to meet people. Go attend singles events. Try a dating (not a hookup) service. Have a friend try and fix you up.

Also, be patient. You will not be kissing her neck on your first date. But later, women melt when you come behind them and put kisses on their neck and shoulders. The porn industry does its best to keep true intimacy a secret.

You have a lot working for you.

BobDobbs · Apr 19, 2016

seth said: ↑

What I'm feeling in particular is a strong desire for touch. I want to hold the hands of someone I'm attracted to. I want to kiss her neck. No one in particular now, but I can tell I want that more so than usual. I've had cravings for p and m recently but I realize I don't want the dopamine. I don't want the orgasm. I really want the escape from this loneliness.

It kind of started with that girl I was crazy about who said she wasn't emotionally available. Prior to her, I was thinking that I don't want to be in any relationship. I wanted to maybe fool around, go on dates, but for the most part, I wanted to maintain my independence and stay single. But after meeting her, I totally wanted to be in a relationship with her. It was so worth it.
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It's like I could have written these exact same words myself.

noper32 · Apr 20, 2016

I'm in the same camp. Veritech, I also appreciate your words of encouragement. Even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment sometimes, it's heartening to hear you say that if we keep doing what we should be doing and staying social, opportunities for relationships will arise.

seth · Apr 20, 2016

Thanks. I had thought this was the girl that was going to change everything. Like everyone talks about how much their lives change with NoFap and after meeting this girl I secretly thought, oh this is the game changer. I manned up and just straight up asked her to coffee and we had a great time. But it didn't happen.

Other opportunities will arise - I do know that but it's obviously hard to be patient.

Veritech · Apr 20, 2016

I made two mistakes when I was young and single. I realize these mistakes by looking back at them.

1) I became upset and anxious with loneliness. I was being turned down by women, the ladies I thought liked me were using me to sleep with my brothers. I thought that I would never have a girlfriend and my life would come to a lonely dead end. Had I known that within a year, I would be dating someone who would later be my wife, I would not have been nearly as anxious and depressed.

2) I watched porn. If I could not get off with a partner, I would get off myself. It was my only sexual outlet. Had I known that sex with a partner was around the corner, I never would have watched that first porn flick, I would not be the addict that I am today.

I wish that someone back then would have given me the same advice I am trying to pass on to you.

Veritech · Apr 20, 2016

noper32 said: ↑

I'm in the same camp. Veritech, I also appreciate your words of encouragement. Even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment sometimes, it's heartening to hear you say that if we keep doing what we should be doing and staying social, opportunities for relationships will arise.
Click to expand...

seth said: ↑

Other opportunities will arise - I do know that but it's obviously hard to be patient.
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Not just me but other acquaintances as well:

1) Good friend from Undergrad. Dinner conversations with him would be about the awful dates that he was experiencing. One day a friend of his mother suggested setting him up with a friend's daughter. After his mother continued to pester him, he reluctantly agreed. Married with two kids.

2) Overweight girl, serious confidence problems. Never had a boyfriend. She starts to diet, exercise and eat better. Someone notices her slimmer body and offers to set her up on a blind date. Married with three kids.

3) My step-brother. I cannot remember him ever having a girlfriend. Women are overrated he would say. The family thought that he might even be gay. He attends a friend's wedding, not looking forward to going. He meets a nice lady, he asks her out on a date. Married with two kids.

You just got to get out there and be social. That special someone is out there.

seth · Apr 20, 2016

You're totally right. When my friend @Crispy21 was venting about his virginity on this forum, I knew he had success coming right around the corner. I could tell it was just going to happen soon even if he didn't feel it. And bam, not even 10 days later he met an amazing person and he's not only lost his virginity but is starting a great relationship with. Literally, less than 10 days later. This was around the same time I met that girl so I felt "oh perfect, now this is something great happening in my life too"

But you mentioned two pieces of advice that you wish you had. You wouldn't have become depressed and you wouldn't have gone to porn. Rest assured I am doing neither. I have high self esteem and I know I deserve and will get someone great. And I have had porn cravings recently but I automatically realize that this won't fix anything. I can tell I just want it for an escape. So I'm healthily avoiding a negative spiral.

But with that said, I still will feel a bit lonely from time to time. But it's alright. Its important to learn to be comfortable with that. I am learning how to be happy with myself which I can't really do when in a relationship.

The good times are just around the corner.

Winston · Apr 21, 2016

Thank you @seth !
Totally agree with you. Your happiness doesn't depend on your "soulmate". It depends on you. It is your call, your choice.

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First time ive ever really felt lonely

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