First day.

Hello there!

It all started when I was around 17.. I heard my friends talking about how can you reach a state of ecstasy if you do something to a part of your body, I had no idea what was all about.First time when I did it was the most shameful day of my life, now, 8 years later, it completely ruined me.

When I started doing it, I had no need of pornography, I used my imagination, but then, it was not enough, so, pornography was my rescue and my doom.Then, I deloped some kind of "hobby", you know, every single day, before going to sleep, I used to daydream at having sex with some imaginary girl.I used to do it 3-4 times a day, I had no idea of how harmful it was.Then, depression caught me, ohh man, now, I was doing it just to feel something and I've been doing it only for this reason.... Things got worse, depression got worse, anxiety, emptiness, no motivation, lifeless, brain fog, social awkwardness, no friends, lonliness, and it all culimanted when I lost the only person who ever loved me, she did the right thing going on with her own life, I was a wreck.

In the last two years I stared to become aware of how harmful it was so I tried to abstain, I did it once or twice for 3 months but then I was caught again by it.Then, I could only abstain for short period of times... and things never changed to this day, but something changed in me.I started to meditate and this made me even more aware of how bad my situation was, it became crystal clear that I suffer because of it, this is the only reason that keeps me down, completely lifeless, overwhelmed by emptiness.I found out how my brain keeps me "blind" on how better I felt on those three months, I even became aware of all the tricks my brain uses to foul me, but it won't work anymore, I am at the end of my powers, I want to be the old me again, full of energy, full of live, motivated, I am tired of pornography and I am tired of that feeling of ecstasy... My mind keeps telling me that if I do it I will feel that so needed peace, funny, I've been listening to my mind for so long but that peace was never something to keep for more than one or two days, I have no desire of temporary peace, so, this is a message for my mind: "SHUT UP!".

I stopped doing it some days ago, man, the urge is so powerful, I feel so frustrated so irritated, this emptiness is overwelming.I tried to do some work but I could not do even a single thing, my mind is completely foggy.Last night I had two dreams of having sex, even more, I had a dream with a girl that was in love with me.You know what is the funny part? Every single time I tried to fight back, my mind responded with these kinds of dreams, always triking me.Now, I am aware, I am no longer blind to the truth.Meditation helps a lot, now, when I go to sleep, I barely feel the need to dream about having sex, the problem is that I've doing it for so long and I have no idea of what I can think of before going to sleep, I just meditate.My mind keeps on trying to achieve that state, I feel that I should drink some coffe ( I don't drink coffe at all ) or some chocolate, something, anything to make me feel good, man... this is a real fight.

I want the old me back, I can't go on this way, I am too tired, I know why I suffer, I know why I feel miserable... I want that inner peace that I used to have, I want it back... I joined this forum because together we are more powerful than being all alone on this journey of freeing ourselves from addictions.Guys, know, that once you free yourself from this kind of addiction, you can do anything you want in life!!

I will keep you updated!