finally

so taking things to 2 yrs back, i was in my high school (12 th standard) and i was very much focused on my aims and goals of getting a good overall percentage. worked really hard and slogged my ass day and night to get as close to 90% as possible,ended up with an 88.85%.was pretty happy with it,until people started saying stuff like "oh shit!!! that was close better luck next time." i was pretty much very proud of myself before such things started pouring in. i had not studied for entrance exams as they required a complete different orientation. and i am a man of focus,i do one thing at a time and try to devote my 100% to it.
i started to get a heavy guilt on myself,i had distanced myself from all socializing so as to cut off distractions,and work harder.before this phase of my life i had pretty much achieved every thing that i had worked for,failure dealing was not something that i had learnt.
all that i could see in life that was worth living was
MONEY FAME AND WEALTH,THE CONCEPT OF HUMN RELATIONS WAS OUT OF MY HEAD. primarily because i was cheated on and left alone by a lot of people,started devoting myself to aims and goals,now great determination requires great willpower and a lot of patience. and that in turn requires some people we can share stuff with,talk to and open up to. since i had no friends to share things with,i became frustrated with myself (as i could not clear the entrance exam,the self loathe increased the following year) and frustration as i see it, is energy,unfortunately i started putting that energy into things like porn and raunchy dating sites which subsequently ruined me. i had closed myself from the world thinking it will help me focus,it did the opposite,i started feeling even more lonely.
last year on 30th July (my birthday) my bestie rung me up after like 4 months of no talk to wish me and first he said a lot of things (legit anger poured out on me nd subsequently we agreed that we would go back to being good friends. i used to think that he was pretty unfocused and all he wanted to do was enjoy life) then we got back to being good friends again,3 months later i had my entrance which i could not clear and rather than assessing my problems i started blaming it on my friend circle and cut off myself again,i did improve my entrance grades but still could not clear it i had a lot of frustration inside me and no vent so i used to think a lot of bullshit rather than focusing on things.this did lead to self hate and i had fallen even deeper into the addiction,masturbation seemed to provide the QUICK fix that a person requires.i started searching for friends('new' friends on datin apps and raunchy hook up apps) and felt like shit about yesterday on my 19 th birthday my friend rung me up and said a hello ,i could not help but cry. we got back together and we're back to being brothers again idk if someone relates but ........i learnt that this life is more than material things and money and fame,money is really important and so is having a good grade card and good degree but all of that is primarily to get into a good friend circle. i'm happy again after a very long time,i feel my own self my happy self.
ambitions when not checked can turn to arrogance and that can turn to loneliness in no time.
thank you