FINALLY setting boundaries

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by frustratedandsad, Oct 13, 2018 at 8:39 PM.

  1. frustratedandsad

    frustratedandsad Fapstronaut

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    Thanks to this forum!! I can't thank all of you enough. I've gotten so much clarity and relief from your help.

    I told my boyfriend that I need him to be completely honest with me which he took well.

    Things that were slightly disconcerting were:
    -How do we put this boundary into place without it feeling like he has to report to me first thing every time we see each other? Is checking in once a week enough?
    -I want to be realistic, supportive and open-minded, but he alluded that his goal is not to never watch porn again, his goal is to be more ok with/accept his porn usage and only use it 3-4 times a week on certain days. My ideal relationship is that he attempts to never watch porn again so it doesn't get in the way of our sex life, but maybe things can evolve from here in a different way? Or am I deluding myself?

    He told me the longest break he's taken is 2 weeks. Where do we go from here?
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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  3. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    That still sounds like a lot of porn. If I were married to an alcoholic, I certainly wouldn't be OK with him drinking 3-4 days per week.
     
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  4. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Are you ok with that amount of P ? That sounds like a lot . If not , read in this forum . You’ll see that Things don’t “ evolve “ to never looking at P again . That takes work , and a hell of a lot of it . He’s an addict hon . He’s going to protect that more than he will protect you and the relationship. If P is a deal breaker for you and he’s not ok stopping or working towards stopping, then I don’t think he’s the right guy for you . You aren’t married , you don’t have children together , if it were me in your shoes , knowing all I know now , I’d most likely end things or atleast set a hard boundary to NO P to see how that goes ? I’m 22+ years in which is the only reason I am answering the way I am xo
     
  5. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Nope . Nope . Nope .
     
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  6. noexcuses

    noexcuses Fapstronaut

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    There's a free ebook available that has helped some people.
    https://sites.google.com/site/hackbookeasypeasy/home
    Here's some of what it has to say about the "cutting down" approach that your boyfriend is suggesting.
     
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  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    You and I have shared Boundaries & Consequences, so I think you know and understand how they work and what you need to do.
    If that's what you want, try it and see how it works. If it doesn't for you, make some modifications, and try again. I don't think there is a set way. I do know that if he lies to you, he needs to come clean within 24 hours.
    IMHO, this is a serious problem that will never get resolved. Let me tell you how I perceive this. "I know you do not want me to watch porn again, but I'm not willing to honor your request (boundary), so I'm going to do it anyway." This IS NOT healing the addiction. This is patronizing you. "...3-4 times a week..."? In short, he needs it just as his addiction is calling for it. Honestly, in my view, that is an absurd request on his part.
    YES! You are! If you buy into this garbage, you'll live to regret it down the road. Don't do it! Set your Boundaries & Consequences, and execute them. Then, the decision is HIS whether he values the relationship, and it places the proverbial ball back into his court.
    I rest my case. He's not ready, so you need to brace yourself for that realization. Execute the Boundaries & Consequences. That's where you go from here. Please reach out if you need additional help and support with that.
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Even if he's not masturbating to the porn...
    Simply watching that much can cause erectile dysfunction.
    It's called Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunctions or PIED for short.
    Symptoms include prematurely ejaculating, delayed ejaculation, failure to become fully erect, going flaccid upon insertion or really anytime during the act of sex... Not able to be stimulated unless by manual technique (hand job, or masterbastion) to arouse for sexual intercourse, aggressive sex because of failing to feel penile stimulus, anxiety, depression, anger after sex... And that's just to name a few symptoms.
    As a wife of a man who suffered from PIED, I ask if any of this... Sounds like something you want to take on...?
    Are you willing to compromise your self esteem also?
    PIED takes years* to recover from in most instances. (over half)
    Is that something you want to add into your life and relationship along with all of this?
    Food for thought...
     
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