Finally made it to day 110 after 6 years of trying

Finally made it to 110 days No PMO

First of all, I want to say this post is both positive and negative.

So I had this medical admission exam last week. This is how I prepared for it…

Somewhere around the second week of February, I was extremely worried that I wouldn’t pass the exam, because I intended to study all the material on my own and I have a very slow (not as in dumb but as in inattentive) brain due to many things, and one of them is porn (empirically proven at least for me). My brain is so sensitive, any little stress can just make it dysfunctional. I’ve noticed many times that when I abstain from porn for days/weeks, my memory and problem-solving abilities improve, most likely this improvement in ability is due to improved working memory which enables me to solve problems quickly or simply to hold more ideas in my head and make the connections. So following the previous idea, I intended to be on day 120 by the time I went to take the exam, which meant I would be very sharp.

So I downloaded a bunch of porn blockers for my phone and pc, I almost completely blocked my phone, leaving only WhatsApp and a few lame apps. I spoke to my subconscious mind, telling it multiple times how we would fail the exam if we didn’t stop relapsing, and how our life would be pretty much over if we failed. So time went on, and while I was happy that I wasn’t relapsing and that my brain was working better, I never had the motivation to pick a book, so basically I wasn’t studying but I consoled myself by saying that at least I wasn’t doing PMO and that since my brain power improves when I don’t PMO I was accumulating power that would allow me to fly whenever I started studying.

On day 30 no PMO ( March), I felt pretty good, but I still hadn’t picked a book. I started to realise that this was because I still allowed myself to engage in certain activities, like Reddit and Quora on my pc. Now, the thing is I wasn’t using those websites to entertain myself in what would be considered a conventional way, but I was reading science and technology articles, but quite a useless way to spend your time when you have a very important exam in some months in it? So I decided to limit my hours spent on those websites but to no avail. By the way, my previous record was 34 days, so I was proud when I made it to day 40. On day 45 I started questioning myself why was this no PMO journey was so easy, I mean I had urges and all that, but not really any extreme urge to PMO, I didn’t feel depressed either, in fact, I felt happier than ever, and my dick still seemed to work.

By day 60 (April) guess what… I still hadn’t picked the damn book, but I still consoled myself by reminding myself how sharp I was compared to some months because I solved problems for fun every day and I seemed smarter than before. I also became more philosophical, I started questioning the meaning of life. And the strangest thing of all I became spiritual, like what the heck!!?? Because I wasn’t spiritual at all before, I was a “self-proclaimed” very objective individual, but I realised how much of a fool I was, for mixing science and religion, these 2 are different things, science attempts to describe the rules of the network, and the network doesn’t necessarily have to lead to the creator, while religion attempts to answer the question of who is the architect of the network and what is its will. Anyways the point I’m trying to make is that my way of seeing the world was changing rapidly after leaving porn.

Day 70: I still hadn’t picked the book, I started to be seriously concerned both by the previous fact and that I still wasn’t experiencing a flat line, but instead I was happy and the no PMO was easy as fuck. Because see, I’ve been a hardcore P user all my life, since I was 3-4 years old and now I’m 20. So I expected my brain to get easily depressed after not receiving porn for a substantial amount of time, but no sign of discomfort from my body or brain was given.

Another thing is by day 70 I realised how little time those 70 days meant, I didn’t feel like I was healed at all (despite improvements in memory, energy, etc.), but I began to understand what PMO healing meant. There are 2 types, 1. Physical healing; this one refers to the physiological and morphological changes that occur in your body due to sufficient time abstaining and also building new habits. This type of healing (when I say healing I mean that you’re body is significantly healed) can occur from 30 days of no PMO depending on how addicted you were, in my case it will probably take 2-3 years, I think people need to realise that the 90-day mark is not the finishing line for a significant amount of individuals if you are healed with 90 days, that means you weren’t that much of an addict (time spent on each PMO session, sessions per week, years doing the practice, type of content watched, edging, parts of the body engaged, etc.) or that your brain/body has some sort of immunity (brain plasticity, physiological working of the brain/body, etc.).

Regardless of when you’re healed, this type of healing is complementary to the next one; 2. Mindset healing; this is when you are no longer mentally attached to PMO, it will only happen if you work hard for it (or a trauma) by reprogramming your subconscious mind (basically the core principles by which your mind works). It can happen on day 1 or day 1000 and is likely to be easier on day 1000 because of the complementary help of physical healing and time. But listen, even if you make it to day 90, if you’re not mentally detached from PMO, you will go back to it sooner or later, I guarantee you. How can someone make it to day 90 and not be mentally detached from PMO? It's easy, sometimes life can help, let’s say for example, you’re suddenly very busy for 3 months in some circumstances where it is pretty hard to PMO like you’re living in a random place with thousands of people where you have no sort of privacy, and can’t use your phone comfortably, combine that with a small intention to not PMO, (because it is an equation of multiple factors) that can be enough to not engage in those practices during 90 days. But after you leave that random place and come back home the equation changes because you’re now home alone and comfortable, combined with that same previous small intention to not PMO, so you will end up PMOing because you’re an addict and circumstances allow it. You get the point right? Many things can make you achieve incredible streaks but that doesn’t necessarily equate to being mentally free from PMO. I realised that knowing if you’re mentally free can be easily determined (at least for some individuals) by asking them self questions. I would ask myself; am I going to PMO today or any day before the exam? Then I would answer with a strong no, but the key was that there wasn’t any little feeling of contradiction or deception in me, which meant that my subconscious also believed what I said. But interestingly enough when I asked this; After the exam is done will I relapse? Then I would answer no, but I wouldn’t get the 100% certainty feeling, but more like a 60%, which meant that some parts of my brain didn’t believe what I was saying, in other words, I wasn’t mentally detached from PMO at least when the important exam factor was removed.

By the way, I also realised I have ADD during that time…

Day 75: Something strange started happening, in the night my hand would go to my dick and I would proceed to have sexual dreams, which caused me to have a wet dream somewhere around day 80. So I started sleeping with jeans, and it worked, I would wake up with my hand in a strange position that indicated that it couldn’t bypass the tight jeans. Besides that, no PMO was still easy. But my worries about the exam began to increase exponentially.

Day 85 (MAY): Finally I picked the damn book, but I only had 1 month left, so I started studying like my life depended on it, my ADD brain can only work when it feels there isn’t

more time left to waste according to my estimations. I was flying, and with my improved memory, it was very easy.

Within 2-3 weeks I had already almost finished 2 books (worth months of studying). I didn’t know then, but that was the beginning of my failure.

Day 90: I just put this day because day 90 is the mainstream day of Nofap, but it meant nothing to me since I understood that I wasn’t healed.

Day 105: Like I was saying before, I had almost finished covering all the material, so that meant that my brain started seeing the situation as a joke, in other words, the fear of failure in the exam started losing weight when considering not to PMO. I began wasting time, again, and removed the blockers from my phone, since I felt I wouldn’t relapse either because I could have bypassed them before if I wanted (trust me is important to have them since they give some extra time to think about your decision of PMOing), and started watching youtube and doing useless activities.

Day 110 (June): I hadn’t picked a book for 5 days, and my exam was in 8 days, and I still hadn’t completely finished reading the book (and barely practised exercises, just theory), but I didn’t care, and unfortunately that day I had an urge to PMO, and yep that was the end of my no PMO experience.

Day 0 (but I write 115, so you know to what day I’m referring since the beginning of my journey): I still hadn’t picked a book, and I had PMOed every single day since day 110 at least 3 times a day. Now my brain was still somewhat okay, I mean 110 days of physical healing wasn’t about to disappear so fast but, it did affect me though. Now the exam was in 3 days, so I decided I had to put an end to my PMO activities and practise some exercises, neglecting those few topics I didn’t read in the book.

Day (2) 117: I noticed I wasn’t as sharp as before let me be clear, I noticed I was more creative (probably because my reward system functions with porn) but I was more ADD (unable to focus), which made me again very slow and very inaccurate when solving problems, I would ignore pieces of information I wasn’t ignoring some weeks ago. Somehow I still thought I would be fine in the exams.

Day (3) 118: I did the exams, and I screwed up. Those few topics of the book I didn’t read subtracted some points from my exam, but what really killed me was my inability to focus. I made many mistakes that weren’t due to a lack of ability or knowledge but to concentration. If I at least had my concentration ability I would have scored high enough to get admitted into medical school.

So yeah, PMO has once again ruined my life. Am I sad? Yes and no, yes because fuck I can never achieve my goals due to this useless addiction and other factors. And no, because my way of seeing the world has been permanently affected by those 110, life is not that serious, we are born into this world, where nothing seems to make sense when you take time to think about it, like why are we living in society? Why do I have hands? Why do I exist? What comes after death? Does it matter what I do in this world that I know nothing about? Even if you answer with science you will realise that you’re not really answering the question but just describing the rules of the network, not the purpose of it or the creator. The reason I’m writing is to encourage people, because I used to read posts on this page back in 2019-2021, and I was encouraged by many even though I didn’t succeed. I’m still grateful.

Anyways this is just the beginning of my journey towards mental healing from PMO, I now have new strategies to fight this monster, I believe by next year I won’t be an addict anymore, and that by 2025 I will be physically healed. And To end this I suspect I didn’t experience a flat line or withdrawals because I felt happy with my life even though I wasn’t PMOing, like I felt complete, there wasn’t something missing, so I believe my brain even though it wasn’t getting that intense high it was used to, it still didn’t felt it was lacking fun.

I say this because, in previous streaks of 30 days, I experienced withdrawals.

EDIT: I made it into medicine. When I wrote this (text), the exam results weren’t out then, anyways whatever I previously wrote still stands. I can objectively claim that porn significantly helped to ruin my entire teenage years (barely studied, ruined my cognitive abilities, my athletic potential, my confidence, etc.) and my first months into my twenties. I still have a long way to go.

Peace ✌✌✌

 

No, I didn't take the MCAT, it was a Spain medical admission exam. But I plan to apply to an Irish university in 2024, which means I will be taking the HPAT in February 2024, which is the Irish version of the MCAT. I plan to be at least on day 200 by the time I take that test. I have better strategies this time to succeed.

Haha, trust me during the exams I went through a lot of shit, I became semi-dysfunctional, I hope to not go through that again.