Finally here

Hi, i have been lurking on this site for a while, just reading others experiences and stuff. And so i thought to finally join, i am 16 and have been thinking about and fantasizes sexual stuff. But here is the deal.

Im not sure when i got into P but considering my age now i was very very young, it started out with small things really, the biggest contribute i think ( and the thing i remember the most) is a movie that the whole family was gonna watch buuut the first very scene was a sex scene and so we all (the children) had to leave but my parents continued to watch it. (Oh and at that time we stopped going to church i think, but in right now in the present we are going to church again and i became a Christian so the guilt and shame is so much more stronger )


I did quick watching P a long time ago but....my mind is still thinking about it ya know? I quit the P and tried not to think about sexual things and M and i was doing really well. Like really well, but im falling back into the frequent thinking. Just recently i watch P and MO, and i haven't watched or looked at P gifs in years! I honestly tried to look for loopholes saying that M is actually ok but P is not, i just wanted to keep on M. But that is not the case huh?

I am a complicated 16 year old....my perspective of sex is kinda negative. I see it now as gross and disgusting and tbh it kinda is? It's funny cause i think about sex but think of it as gross....i think about having a romantic relationship but i would rather not have one for real...i would rather it be all fantasy. I don't want to get married and i don't want kids. It is very weird but yea....i want to be single i don't want to be in a relationship....my views on those are also kinda negative but i as well don't think i will be able to commit? Not as in cheating! No never! But just.....keeping it going? But anyway this is getting to long

So why am i doing this? To get better, i am a artist and my creativity is one of the small % of things that are good about me i think, I cant have these gross thoughts on my mind. I could be thinking of new ways to make art, new ways to write! I could be learning but im not. Another thing is for God, im trying to actually talk to him more and stuff. But i feel like all my chances of forgiveness are gone and that is a dumb thing to think but i think of it anyway. And maybe it will help me to not call myself names, most popular one now is calling myself trash. Its hard not to call myself trash