Finally back on the track. To stay there I ask for your advice

Hey guys,

The first time I landed here was in May21 after I had a brakeup and dicovered by accident the Ted Talk from Gary Wilson about the effects of porn on our brain. So it is almost 4 years ago and I am still fighting or better said I am again willing to fight my addiction.

During the time I discovered NoFap for the first time I was convinced that this would change my life for ever. Reading all the success stories drove my motivation to the sky. But yeah, motivation is not enough and it takes a lot more to overcome this evil addiction. You all know exactly what I am talking about.

In the beginning it was not that hard for me. The reason for that was honestly that nothing brought me joy since I was going through a breakup at the same time. But after a month or two I started to feel better overall and the urges came back.

And there we go - I told myself it would not be that bad if I relapse once since I feel better again. Later it became a daily routine again and I slipped into my old behaviour patterns. Who would have guessed. The problem was that I did not take NoFap that serious anymore because I felt better overall and stopped to see it as that huge and bad impact on my life. So I just continued with PMO more (especially during corona) or less (during more mindfull phases in the last 4 years).
It was an up and down all the time accompanied by that bittersweet voice deep down inside me which was telling me "mate you know you have to stop this at some point in your life, and best is you do it now".

And now I am here again, ready to fight this inner demon once for all and I am doing already pretty fine, better than ever in the past 4 years. I am proud to say I am on day 50 today and I never felt so confident like this time. So I will keep you updated and I am pretty confident I will make it this time. And why ? Because now I have a reason. And I also understand why I failed all the other times.

When I tried NoFap for the first time after the breakup I also had a reason and that was the best run after the one I am on right now. But I know why I failed. It was the wrong reason. I just wanted to feel better. Nothing else. I wanted the pain inside me to go away. And it went away, I started to feel better. Today I cant tell you if it only was NoFap or only the natural healing process after a breakup. Probably the a combination of both factors. But I can tell you definetly that I had the wrong motivation back than. And after I had no really reason since I felt OK overall so I didnt see any need in quitting PMO.

My reason this time is different. After 4 years I met a very special woman. And she has awaken the inner drive inside me to become a better person. You might say thats again the wrong reason because I should do it for myself and not for her! And you are goddamn right.

In the beginning I focused to much on it because of her. After a few weeks some complications started to occure because of some personal reason she has but thats an other story. Due to her insecurities I noticed that nothing inside me has changed since my last brakeup. A lot of old wounds and anxiety were triggered. The relation to her just showed me all the things inside me that I have to deal with. They have always been there, they were never gone. I was just thinking I am fine because I was distracting myself all the time with too much video games, weed, porn, party et cetera.

But now all these feelings and fears I was ignoring far too long are showing up again all at once. And I realise them like never before. They say life will hit you over and over again with the same challenges until you start to face it. So for the first time in my life I feel like I am not the waymaker for someone else and dont see myself as the victim but its like she is finally my waymaker. I met her so she can remind me about what I have to do and to change to defeat this inner demons I carry with me all my life. And it fking hurts. Because I really like her and she is very special to me and it feels like I met her only to lose her so I can finally find myself.

At this point I realised why I feel the way I feel. And I understand why I make myself always so dependent to the love of a woman - To make the long story short. My main issue is, that I grew up in a very little love giving family environment. And today as an adult I know that all I want is someone I am important to, somone who really cares about me and gives me the love I always desired. Literally someone to fill the gap inside my heart. There are ofcourse more reason but I consider this one as the heaviest.

Besides that I realised that I was screwing up my dopamin. I watched the podcast from Andrew Huberman about Dopamine Mindset & Drive. I can recommend it to everyone. On top Andrew Huberman has a lot more interesting podcasts about different topics which might help you to understand how to deal with some issues you face in life.

Ok so far so good. I was screwing up my dopamine. Porn, weed, video games, netflix, smoking, party, fast food et cetera. This made me feel depressed, intensified my negative thinking, lowered my self esteem, made me feel less worth and enhaced all this stuff that just make you feel worse overall.

This time I want to face it and take the fight. And it feels very hard and I also dont feel good most time of the day. My mood gets better after it gets darks outside. But this time I use the sad feeling of unrequited love as fuel. I know my dopamine baseline is low and I know I will feel sad in the next few weeks and it will not get better as I distract myself again. But I know I have to go once for all through this highway of hell to become someone better and live a more fullfilled life. And this time for myself!

At this point I ask you guys for some advice. Maybe you can share your experience.
What I do so far for my dopamin Regulation.
-No PMO since 50 days.
-No video games since weeks. Stopped somewhen at the end of January.
-Cold showers since 1 week.
-I barely eat sugar since weeks - thats something I noticed just a few days ago and I dont miss it and dont have cravings.
-I am eating overall very healthy foods.
-I workout again 3-4 times a week in the gym since November.
-I barely drink alcohol but I think I will stop it completely for a period of time, its easy for me to say no to drinking.
-I dont watch netflix or any other TV related shows (besides "the last of us" but after the last episode which will be next, there is nothing I am interested in watching right now)
- I play again more often the guitar and try to improve my singing voice.

For my psychological health
- I am visiting a therapist once per week since 5 weeks already
- I watch educational videos and podcasts on Youtube to understand myself better (I know this is also releasing dopamin but at least it has a educational sense and is not time wasting. But to be honest it feels a little bit like doing this is just replacing things like video games or netflix, like an other form of distraction even it might be a good form?) what do you guys think about that?
- I talk a lot my my flatmate. And also a bit to the girl I am dating since we build up a lot of trust to each other (I know maybe this might not be the best idea but so far it felt right)
- On some days I read selfimprovement books.

So...but there is one thing that makes it pretty hard for me to quit. Its smoking. Since I stopped so many high dopamin releasing behaviours, smoking is the only one thats left. This nicotine is a evil thing. So now I am asking myself so many questions. Because ok, I stopped other behaviours. But isnt smoking the worst? Isnt quitting smoking the thing I should start with? Does it really help to quit the other addictions as long as I smoke because nicotine is releasing more dopamine? Or am I on the right path so far and should I just carry on, focus on the things I am doing already, continue smoking and as soon as I got the other things in control, should I then focus on quitting smoking? I have no idea about the corelation. All I can say is that smoking is my endboss. After I am sure I want to quit and I tell myself I quit even with the "Alan Carr method" (he wrote a a very successfull book about how to quit smoking). But then again it takes 2 or 3 days to light up a cigarette again...

In conclusion I would say I am OK. I dont feel that good right now but I know its for my best. First I have to feel worse before it gets better. And its still a long way to go.

I hope you guys can give me some advise and share your thoughts and experience.

I feel good after writing this long thread. I know its not useless because I share the same issues and fight the same demons as you guys out there. To know I am not alone on this journey gives me hope.

If you came this far I want to thank you for your pacience and time.

I wish you all the best
The Bananajoe