Hi fellow 'Nauts. I wanted to share something that I must admit is my recent obsession. It's been my rabbit hole that I fall down when I hit my trigger. So Facebook has always been a playground for me, and I'm sure others have had issues with social media. Well I have been staying well away from it as best I can, but today was an inadvertent trigger that I know I have to always be very careful of, because it quickly devolves into obsession. I actually went to delete my account permanently today. I said to myself 'Let's just shut it down. I'll get my personal albums that have some sentimental value and then be done.' Well I went on to delete it and had to log in for the first time in a while, and of course the one thing I don't want to see pops up. A picture of a woman I have had issues with. She's on my frontpage, and has as her profile picture a new pic of her with very large and prominent cleavage I click away immediately but the damage is done. Dammit I never even wanted to see her again. I finish the deletion process and log off, but the picture is on my mind. Like a burned photo negative. And this leads to my fear, falling into my former obsession. See I'm a tech guy. I'm a programmer who knows his way around computers, since I was young. It was this young fascination with computers that gave me easy access to porn at a young age when the Internet began picking up steam and public accessibility. I am also a bit of an amateur hacker, nothing fancy but I know enough to mess with people if I want. And one day, a long time ago, I thought of a very dangerous idea; to hack this woman's email and Facebook, and attempt to see if there were any lewd pictures of her. This became an obsession quickly. I was scouring forums for tips and tricks, password lists and the like. I was doing this research on my work time. I could have gotten in major trouble. When I finally admitted what I was doing to my wife she was devastated that I would spend so much time and effort on such an endeavor, practically slobbering mentally over this other woman. I almost did it too. I almost cracked the password and got in too. But I was denied, and once my dopamine rush subsided I finally could see the extent of my loss of control and obsession. It really surprised me just how easily I lost myself. Seeing her picture again today, especially given she was purposefully flouting her body, was definitely a trigger. I wish I could scrub my mind. I feel anger build up, but it's misplaced, I put my anger on her for what I did, as if she went out of her way to tempt me personally out of spite. I know it's misplaced anger, and really I'm angry at myself for falling for her shit. I'm angry at myself for even thinking about her again in any capacity. I remember my plan to blackmail her, hoping to score myself an endless supply of lewd pictures, and feeling so disgusted at myself for even coming up with it. I know this doesn't fall under the norm of PA (especially given I am far more SA and affair-ridden in my addiction history) but this is me. This is what I have done in the past. I wish to God sometimes that I was a "normal" porn addict. That where I found myself in the past wasn't so insane-seeming. I'm tired of betraying my wife's trust and I'm tired of these thoughts. Being aware of them now allows me to divert and replace with productive forum talk, but it doesn't make it any less just... yucky to me that I am this way. Anyways feel free anyone to chime in, I'd be glad to talk. Thank you
