fell for a longtime friend, how to be friends and not die inside?

Hello Fapstronauts, I once again come to you to take a load off my chest and seek advice from those daring to endure my elongated description of the problem.

If you're not willing to put in the time I can fully understand. I would still appreciate advice if you've experienced something similar in the past or maybe just a few words of encouragement.

Thanks

Spoiler

We know each other for around 10 years now. For the longest of time we were just good buddies but around a year ago I started to develop feelings for her. I knew she was not interested so I tried to keep it to myself in hopes those feelings would pass. After around 6 months I was going crazy and decided I need to talk to her, because there's no way I can live like that. She was very kind, but as expected, did not reciprocate my feelings. It was the first time I remember that I cried that much. Before that only Pixar movies could do this to me for a brief moment.

She then went on a 3 month trip, which was a good opportunity for me to reboot. She came back, we met and then kept meeting from time to time, like we used to do before. It was all good until I went on a trip with my family and needed help with something while we're away. I would help her with many things in the past so I kind of assumed she owed me that favor. She said no and this was when things started to get difficult for me once again. I felt betrayed as a friend, I would sacrifice a lot to help others and hoped I could get the same in return if I ever needed it.

I could not shake this feeling off of me to the point that when we met again at a party some weeks later I could not be the jolly self around her. Why didn't I talk about it with her? Anxiety, to a certain point combined with the fact that she is a person that avoids problems. Whenever we would discuss something in the past she would either fall silent, say the other person is right or just apologize as a reflex. I tried convincing her that the point in discussing for me is not to be right but that didn't help. And so I wasn't encouraged to discuss this problem with her either.

Two-three weeks later we meet at a dinner with other friends and I still can't be jolly with her as I am with others. We talked a bit oneonone after the dinner and she offered help with me moving to a new apartment. I was pretty gloomy while we talked, but not unfriendly. That help offer made me happy. I didn't ask for it and felt like she genuinely wants to help so I felt like I'm recovering from my gloominess.

A month later and she still didn't call or write as she promised. Now usually I would just call and ask what's going on but this time I couldn't. Few factors: first, I didn't want to coerce her into helping me; second, she has a history of making appointments and then not calling; third, I feel anxious and once again - betrayed.

Yesterday she calls. I missed her call but callback as soon as I see it on my phone. A bit of a stiff talk in the beginning, she just wanted to remind me that it was the last day of a certain deadline, she cheers up a little when I ask her how shes doing but the mood drops as soon as I tell her I was a bit sad she didn't help me. She tells me she felt I am not well around her, which is fair. She apologizes and I can't shake the feeling it's another reflex. I told her that it's difficult for me to read her when she arranges something but then falls silent. I then tell her about some similar situations in the past, but don't make a list out of it. My goal is for her to see the developed pattern, not to drive her selfworth into mud. "Noted", she says and then tells me she was just very busy and this is why she didn't call to help.
Something I asked her in the very beginning was "pretty busy lately?" and she said "no, not at all actually".
I try to explain that I do not wish to force her into an apology or into helping me, but would rather have her tell me she can not come instead of just falling silent.
At this point I notice I lost her as a listener so I close off with something along the lines "alright, I'll leave you be as I can see you don't have anything to say". She laughs, agrees she doesn't and we end the call with wishing each other luck, more or less.

I feel anxious after the call. Slight chest pain and confused thoughts. I shake it off with exercise, cold shower and good music.
And now I'm starting to think: am I still in love? Or maybe I'm not in love but still oversensitive because of my crush on her in the past? How do I deal with either? Ideally I would prefer not to fall in love in the first place and just have a normal friendship but that plan flopped a year ago.
Staying away from her to recover will be difficult since we share close friends.

 

Two days later in total, after the most dramatic mood swing went by I actually found a solution myself. So I'll share it with you, in case you experience something similar.

The solution is simpler and more obvious than I thought.

Talk with her. We're friends for so long for a reason. All my dramatic predictions were just me projecting a negative image on something I was afraid of. While I had a point in some predictions it all became secondary once we talked about it and both sides could tell their story.
Whew. It was good to dare a talk.