I started my nofap journey a little while ago. It started when my highschool friends decided to go to a party without me (this was seemingly on purpose -- we still are in touch today but it feels more distanced). At this moment I felt pretty betrayed and whatnot. Thereafter drama took its course and I decided to isolate myself. I didn't feel like people had depth anymore. Everyone felt superficial. Friends I knew from an extremely young age appeared more manipulative/narcissistic/psychopathic and less friendly. I isolated myself, a second time, from these friends. At this point I was well into nofap and decided I'll be friendly with everyone and work on myself as an individual. Then once I've improved myself maybe I'll find a wife more easily. This proved to be fine and I had more enjoyment randomly chatting with strangers etc. rather than establishing ongoing relationships. Eventually, thinking about a wife ended up being very irritating even though a lot of women seemed to find me attractive. I thought about superficiality again and this made me/makes me avoid relationships. I do find women attractive and they "turn me on", so to speak, but it doesn't seem to be any more than that -- as of yet. I really try to control these feelings because I want to love someone and not just lust. On another note, I tend to generalize a lot. The things I say are often worded to an extent where they can be easily misinterpreted in numerous ways. Maybe I just do this subconsciously in hopes that someone who understands me will present his or herself. I decided to delete social media, aside from discord sometimes, and decided that people who really care would be fine with texting/calling me to see what's up and vice versa. I've also stopped playing video games to stabilize my dopamine production. I started taking some supplements like Irish sea moss pills, Action 2.0, and Shilajit from the provider CHOQ -- in hopes of self improvement. Currently I am on a break from the supplements. I now care less about what others think -- for the sake of preserving my "self" -- but I maintain professionalism and understanding. I try to be a great listener because when I speak I feel there is more chaos. I weight lift about 3 days a week and try some cardio here and there. I definitely feel like others pay more attention to me now for whatever reason. I like to describe the feeling as if I am a beacon of energy. Often times I find that men resent me and women fear me. Of course, this tends to be slightly variable to the situation. I have also had my free testosterone tested a month ago and it was 185pg/ml. I assume this is quite a higher level than in my earlier days. Lately, I feel like I repel women regardless of whether they are attracted to me or not. My mother used to always come to me and give me hugs but now I have to make more of an effort to achieve the same result, maybe this just happens with age. Regardless I feel more independent now that I work regularly and have my own goals. This is my lone wolf journey for now. Feel free to share your thoughts if interested. Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day.
You do not sound lonely to me, you just seem to be doing your own thing. You mentioned high school and then finding a wife. How old are you, some context of where you are in life would be helpful.
Hey man. Thanks for your interest. I am in my first year of college, as of right now I'm 18. I know I am young and looking for a partner at such an age is pretty unconventional but honestly I don't see the point in doing anything else really. I feel that finding my other half (if that person exists) is more worthwhile than worrying about too much else. My highest priority is self development though -- and I feel that self development can be heightened by appropriate partnership. I really do feel lonely at times though. It's mostly just a feeling of not being understood or only understood partially.
