Feeling like a failure.

Hello friends! I am back after a long break from the forum. In this message I intend to give an overview of my progress in my faith and life since I took a break from the forum.

1st relevant chain of events:
I was struggling with staying pure shortly before I left the forum, so I wondered if the forum was actually helpful. I decided to to take a break, maybe the forum was stealing focus from important things in real life?

2nd chain of events (After I left).
I had varying nofap success during my abcense from the form. Life was generally good and I had no worries for the future.

3rd list of events and thoughts (Very recent).
This is where things get heavy. About a week ago I relapsed, but I got back on track and maintained a positive outlook on life. But two days ago I relapsed again, and that felt bad, but I got back up and continued with life. But then something happened, something that has put me in deep despair, and I struggle to write it.

I am currently studying to become a nurse, I'm on my second year. And I am out on my first clinical practice, at a nursing home. I like it and it is fun. However, yesterday my mentor informed me that it is very likely that I will fail the practice, and that it might be impossible for me to correct the mistakes I have made. I am not yet fully aware of the mistakes I made, but I have a clue of the overarching problem, but not of the specific problems. And I will be told on Thuesday.

Why does this hurt so much then? Well it's because it is mostly my fault this happened, I think the relapses I mentioned have something to do with it. And also that I now recognize some character flaws, that I have carried with me all my life. I have been slothful to not recognize those things earlier. It would be a long post if I fully described my defects I have always vaguely felt, but that I now have discovered more clearly. And it hurts that I have been so slothful, so nonchalant, yet also passive.

I feel like a failure. You see I have failed a lot in the past, my paths have been very crooked, and now all of that comes to the surface, making me feel useless, worthless and failed. I am not saying necessarily that those words are the truth, I am just saying, that's how it feels, and there are reasons to justify those feelings.

This has awakened for me, a longing for death that I have never had before. I am not suicidal, I just long for death while I know how irrational it would be to act on that longing. Sounds like over reacting maybe, but remember, this is not just one event that troubled me, it is what it implies that troubles me. It's like I am harvesting the fruit of all my sin in one day. So it hurts thinking of the past because I see my flaws so clearly now. It hurts being in the present because of these unbearable negative emotions that I just can't brush of. And it hurts thinking of the future because failing a clinical practice has some very negative consequences, it puts me at risk for not being allowed to continue the education, it puts me to shame, since it is rare that people fail on this. And again, I have failed much in the past, I studied physics but it went downhill and I dropped out, then I studied programming with the same outcome. And now I might be at risk for involuntarily being kicked out of this education.

I feel a preasure on my shoulders, that I need to perform, to not be a failure. It's an expectation from friends, family and society. I can't keep on failing, this is unbearable, and it is mostly my fault. But I believe God can fix this. I could use some prayers.

 

Thanks for the replies guys. @Wilderness Wanderer yes I have thought similarly. I do recognize that my thoughts are irrational, but they are still there and they bother me. I know I am not really a failure, it is more of an emotion caused by certain failures in my life, and it's hard to shake off. However, I spent almost all my day yesterday working through this, praying, reading psalms, being thankful for all that God has brought me through. and I must say that I am in a better place now. I am still tired and sad, but I feel peace.

@timcia Thank you for praying! That means a lot to me. I am at a very weak and needy point, which means there is a perfect opportunity for God to give me strenght in my weakness!

 

Yes the cost is high I belive. If I could choose between being a pmo-addicted nurse, or having failed that career yet being free. I would choose the latter. And yes longing for death is irrational, it is dumb on many levels, I think it is a sign of being in despair, it is a symptom of my state, it is not something to act on. It is merely an indicator that I have things to work through.

And as you say circumstances become less important in Christ. But I think I have been slothful in my walk, so circumstances have gained an inappropriate weight, causing a lot of suffering.

 

I have an update. I did fail the clinical practice. However, I am given a second chance, to do this again in a few months. So there is still hope for me becoming a nurse. But there are certain problems with my character that I need to work on. Not necessarily all sinful things. But there are certain traits I need to develop if I am to succeed the second time.

 

I have thought this over for a few more days now. And I think I overreacted when I thought I failed because of sin. I think sin certainly didn't help. And I think it may have played a part in my failure. However, this is hard to tell. Why? Well because these things they judged me on where things I was largely unaware of. It is hard to change without knowing what you are doing wrong. And I simply wasn't well instructed on what was expected of me, nor was I told when I was making mistakes. So I do not deny that I need to improve on some areas. However, I do think it was unfair that I was kicked out without a warning. But it doesn't matter now. I still have to move on.

 

Thank you for your kind words. It is much better now, I have processed the situation, and it does not cast a weight on me anymore. Because of the failure I will have some time off in the spring after retaking the clinical practice. I hope to do something meaningful during that time. So there is an opportunity despite the failure.