Feeling down, tired and lost for directions, BUT...

Disclaimer: I just wrote this rant down a minute ago without a concrete goal in mind so it might be a bit unstructured. Felt like getting it off my chest anyways so here it goes:
I'm on day 4 of my current streak. A few weeks ago I managed, for the first time in 3 years, to make it to a month. I experienced a lot (if not all) of the benifits described on the forums such as:

• more vivid dreams
• more able in social interactions
• more self esteem
• more motivation both for work and hobbies
• being more in the moment / a clear mind
• just more time on my hand that's not wasted on consumption of P or on feeling bad about said consumption
• and most importantly: being attracted more to real life partners

After that I relapsed. I think it was mainly because I had the wrong mindset. This "making it one month" thing was so big in my mind that I didn't think much about what comes afterwards so when the time came I fell victim to my brain's rationalizations such as "you've deserved it after such a long time of abstinence" or "just this once to test how it feels now".
In the following weeks I relapsed a coulple times more and now I'm at a point where I feel pretty shit. I know I can do it since I managed in the past and I know how many benifits the reboot can bring to my life but during that month I did everything right and put a lot of work into building good habits and what not. I kinda feel like: "If that didn't do the trick what will? Will I ever be able to abstain for good?". I don't wanna lose any more valuable time that I could spend with a partner. Like seriously, I have so many regrets about not pulling through with my reboot ever since I discovered that I have a porn addiction 3 years ago. At times I hate myself deeply for it and get intense kicks of anxiety, thinking that I could lose even more time in the future. It's fucked. I just wanna be back feeling good with a few weeks under my belt already and dating people. But right now I'm just depressed, tired and lost for what to do different this time. There are also a bunch of other things in my life that demand a lot of attention and willpower right now as well as a few big decisions that scare me.
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Screw it, so what? I will pull through it. This addiction has caused me so many countless hours of dispair over the last few years I simply refuse to give up. I will keep educating myself, keep up good habits, tear down bad ones, socialize and I will be honest to myself and others about my addiction. I will remember my goals and efforts in dark times where everything seems like it doesn't matter anymore.

Addiction will lose.

I will prevail.