First off, I'm 22 (turn 23 tomorrow) and I started fapping to porn at age 16. I'm single and have no children, but I've been interested in this topic since starting NoFap. I know most Fapstronauts started at a very young age. I've seen as young as 8 on this website. My general question is how do you plan on talking about porn and masturbation to your children? I want to hear from current parents or anybody that wants kids one day like me. I mean, in Gary Wilson various cites for porn addiction, he said there were "no college age males not on porn" until they started quitting for reasons like depression. I feel like any teenage boy will fall into this trap unless something serious, like parents or a girlfriend, prevents it before it becomes a problem. I posted this because I just started a job driving around and babysitting two young boys, ages 11 and 14. I get along really well with them and their mom. These boys are smart and talented and have so much potential. I don't want these boys to fall into the same trap I fell into. I've considered bringing up these concerns with their mom. She might not even know that its a real problem, but it also might not be my place to bring it up. I would love to hear advice on the matter?
It is none of your business. To cross that line would be role-blurring and wholly inappropriate. You are entitled to your opinions, but you cannot influence others to adopt them. You are there to do a job and my advice is that you just do that.
I wouldn't be quite so black and white on this issue. I think it is difficult to judge without experiencing these interactions firsthand. Openness and honesty are amongst the most valuable traits, in my opinion. I get the impression from the OP that there may not be a father around. Regardless, anything to do with sex is a sensitive topic. The OP states: ask the mother, not force anything upon the children. My advice would be to trust your judgement. Possibly instead of suggesting porn straight out; if you get on with the mother, ask her if there's anything she'd like you to discuss with them. Young boys need older male role models. They will talk to you about things they wouldn't discuss with their mother, whether it's planned or not. So ask her if she has any concerns. That could be alcohol, drugs, girls, sex, masturbation, porn, whatever. You'll be able to gauge the conversation. Trust your instinct.
Im open with my teenage children about this (and every) topic which is easy enough when done appropriately. My general approach for tricky subjects is to soften the soil with humour and respectfully gauge how they feel from there etc but regarging this topic we are very open about it now (even with my pre-teen) and very little is taboo. And they are extremely balanced kids and the last time I asked my eldest was on 40 days NoFap having watched several videos on your brain on porn and he's already sworn never to participate in porn whilst also being interested in sexual energy transmutation and a regular meditator and it does feel good to have broken the cycle of silence that so many people of my generation grew up with where SO MUCH was off limits due to ignorance, misinformation and 'shyness' I guess? Regarding the boys you mentioned just bear in mind that this is a prominent issue for yourself especially considering your involvement here and so take your time as you wouldn't want to wade in when a more natural opportunity might present itself later? I do a similar job and its a fine line between imposimg your views and offering genuine support and trust me, when providing any kind of service its always best to err on the side of caution (especially concerning views you personally feel strongly about) and put yourself in the shoes of the people you are serving because ultimately it is THEIR perception of the service that determines whether or not it is 'appropriate'. Your intentions are obviously good etc and you will know soon enough whether to go there or not?? I hope that made sense? Prevention is always a good tactic though but not always popular as some people can think you are pre-empting a problem via the power of suggestion so tread carefully? I once went on a rant to some parents about the evils of the pharmaceutical 'mafia' and the education/indoctrination system (just sharing/airing my views etc with the very best of intentions!) because school/doctors wanted their son to take some medication that I 'personally' believed was wholly inappropriate and unecessary and was ignoring root causes etc. They listened politely but were both a little 'pale' at the same time and once the mist had settled I remembered that the mother was a manager at a pharmacist/chemist and the father was a schoolteacher! (Truthfully!) Awkward!! (They were ok about it though and looking back their son was never put on the medication in favour of a more 'balanced' approach!)
As far as the boys that you are babysitting, I think it's important to discuss with their mother (I get the impression that there's no father present) what your role is and what the boundaries are before you discuss anything sensitive. I agree that boys need older male role models, but remember that they are her kids, not yours, and she gets the final say. As for your more general question, I think it is important for fathers to have an open discussion about sex/masturbation/porn with their sons. My father gave me the stereotypical "sex talk" but that was about it. Porn and masturbation were never discussed. In all fairness, the internet was still new at the time and I'm sure the dangers of internet porn weren't nearly as well understood. If I had been given some more guidance on the subject, though, I might not have fallen into the addiction pattern that I did for the next 10+ years. Like most (future) parents, I hope to do better with my kids.
When I have children, boys or girls, I'm absolutely going to try to pre-empt it as Mark has successfully done with his children. Congrats on that man. ^_^ As for these two boys, there is a father, but they don't see him too often and I work for the mother. When she offered me the job she told me that I'm going to be a de facto parent that they will look up to and take after. I already have an influence on them. Its not just driving and watching them; its also doing my part to mold them into successful, polite gentleman. The mother told me this when she offered me the job, shortly after I met the boys. I don't plan on bringing it up anytime soon. If anything, I'll tell the mom about the dangers of it (maybe by showing her the Gary Wilson talk?) very shortly before the job ends. As of now, I'm only going to be there for a couple months. If an opportunity presents itself before then, I might share it with the mom earlier. I don't want to ask the boys about it. It's such a crucial moment that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. But if any discussion about porn goes completely unaddressed (like it did with me, and I had nearly the exact same living/parent situation as these boys do when I was their age) and they fall into the fap trap when I possibly could've prevented it, I would be devastated. ... I don't why I would find that out after not working for them, but you know what I mean.
Good luck with this. And just a suggestion but do try and create a 'buffer' of professional 'detachment' when doing this type of work. I've not worked with young kids (more vulnerable adults from age 16 above) but there were times when I was new to this type of work when I got really upset when the time came to leave people. You get used to it over time and not for one minute am I suggesting you do this work in a 'cold' manner but it is very easy (and natural) to become emotionally attatched to people in your care. Its a fine balance in the end and I'm sure im not telling you anything you dont already know but just thought that was worth sharing as you seem like somebody who genuinelly cares etc which, unfortunately, makes you fairly vulnerable (in several ways) when working in any kind of 'social care' setting (sorry, I dont know what terminology you use in America?)
