I've been on this website for quite some time and I've been told by quite a few people that the best thing I can do following a relapse is surround myself with others. I understand that surrounding myself with others will decrease my chances of relapsing because you can't just start masturbating in the same room as your grandma, but I feel as though it's problematic for people like me who have developed a fear of being alone in the world. I'm an introvert, I don't necessarily have much to offer skill-wise, I don't have any enlightening thoughts to share as I'm not introverted in the sense of being akin to the Buddha, yet when I'm around others I'm looking for some form of narcissistic control through protection. I'm alone because of my social anxiety; I don't want to be exposed to all of life's problems. I hate the drama that's involved with travelling. I only crave to travel to integrate a certain city or culture into myself; all for 'selfish' introvert reasons and I've found that I can replicate the pleasure inside of a book just as I can replicate the feelings of sex through PMO without all the emotional baggage because I am inexperienced in relating to people. I have Asperger's syndrome, so I can't relate to people at all in person. I grasp reality through reading and writing, you can't easily just throw me into a gym and expect me to perform well. I need other people to like me first so that I can perform. I'm scared of being alone in a new place, or setting, even though it could spur on further progress and development in the long-run. Because of my need for other people to like me first before I speak to them honestly, I can put on these immensely draining grandiose acts of being an extrovert. Not just an extrovert, but someone who likes to meet new people and explore the pleasures in life- a direct feedback loop into PMO and raunchy chatrooms. I'm accustomed to necessity, wanting to be approved of in the eyes of others. In other words, I'm a simp. I know this, if I didn't I would try to force a dating life upon myself where all my work is left unfinished. But there is very little to do when you automatically expect it to be done for you by the people on the street who could be monitoring you. I feel as though I'm always in trouble for something even when I'm not. I was regularly shouted at as a child by my family and by the school that I went to for misbehaviour, resulting in me being monitored up until I left high school. With my PMO addiction, I would always seem anaemic to others and I never really had the energy to perform well. I still struggle with this now; drained from socialising, drained from feeling alone and struggling to find the motivation to start anything out of the fear of being judged. My mind is plagued by what ifs I use as guides to keep other people happy. I feel dependent on pleasing others for determining my success. I want my own life though, I don't want to be another person's side project and I have launched spiritual wars on myself to purge this side of me like in the book of Moses. I feel stupid all of the time because I lack social intelligence which I mistake for being practical intelligence. I feel like I can't perform in any other realm than the abstract, so I abstract myself as an extrovert and then feel an immense feeling of shame for the false reality I have created to seem interesting to others. I have no life outside of this illusion I created through void because I'm scared of it disintegrating, melting once I place my identity in front of a mirror. I'm in a trance, I can't act in reality outside of this dream world stasis. No one thinks I'm realistic, I can see all of my insecurities reflected in other peoples' eyes and I then become responsible for their problems. I withdraw out of fear that I'll become the Incredible Shrinking 'Emotional Garbage Man' because I think that other people will use me based on patterns and trends that I have predicted in the past. I'm scared of being seen for what I really am so I go from place to place changing my identity in brief bursts of 'extroversion' that always collapse and implode with time.
People aren't the end-all, be-all solution! I know for a fact that being around them makes me more lethargic and less capable overall. So! I think what you need to do is find a time-consuming activity that you can do, but the key to that activity is this: It needs to be far away from any area where you've relapsed previously. Physical distance is the objective. So go pick up some trash, throw a knife, whatever.
