I am still in the never ending loop, somehow being still trapped in this vicious cycle somehow. Nothing that I do works, and the days between relapses is even worse than before even though I’m caring and trying the most? Fucking typical. It gets to the point where I get aggressive and teary each fucking goddamn time, yet nothing ever seems to change and it’s always the same bullshit. I can’t take it anymore.
It has gotten to the point where I am now legitimately considering just maybe trying to black out on alcohol every single day just so that I am completely out of it and not prone to failing since I won’t be conscious or able enough to relapse. I literally feel that this is the only solution, and being at this point is fucking ridiculous. I can’t stand time being so slow and fast at the same time. I hate how I’ll be dealing with this same bullshit months down the road probably somehow. I can’t stand being alive.
Plus it doesn’t help that I have to deal with being genitally mutilated, and the urge to look at a normal and intact body fucks me up each time.
Stopping this addiction and getting out of relapsing cycle will take time, keep persisting; you will improve eventually. Just keep studying yourself, keep reading about rebooting materials, isolate yourself from the Pleasure trap whether it is Alcohol, PMO, Surgar(moderately). Don't ever give up
YET. But it will. I understand the frustration and disappointment and anger. I've been there a zillion times too. But it does get better if we stay on this path. The fact it bothers you speaks volumes about your commitment to this difficult journey of change.
You got this brotha don't give in. This happens to everyone you just need to keep reminding yourself that not everything in life comes easy. You gotta work for it and prove to yourself that you're stronger than what your brain is telling you.
Deathclaw, Whatever you do, stay strong and move toward the goal you truly want. It’s a hard feat to quit PMO- my first week right now having sudden urges that feels like my chest being sunk in and I’m suffocating from wanting to PMO so badly, but you have to just focus. Focus and meditate on what you truly want, and fill your life with inspiring things (i.e. music, rebooting success stories, family). I’ve never made it past 20 days of no PMO since I discovered MO, but I keep telling myself that if I tough through it until the end of 2019 with the help of NoFap, I’ll be a new person by the end of the decade. Make small goals and recognize the little things in life, and don’t give up on yourself because there was a point in your life before your addiction started, and it’s possible to be there again. Stay strong, and keep moving forward.