Everything is possible - 147 days

Everything is possible - 147 Days


Hello, I actually wanted to post this success story earlier (so the times are not right anymore), but then i wasn't inspired anymore to finish it (it's a longer post, but i think it's very motivating to read, because it really shows the black/white effect of before and after NoFap). Today i had real hard urges and was alone at home, so i took my bicycle and took a ride through the woods at night. It was kind of spooky and it was raining like crazy, but it was fun. This is one of the things I wouldn't do when i was still fapping. So I was back home, feeling like a viking and this post came to my mind and i was in the mood to finish it and share it.



About 6 Months ago:


I've Been Down So Long It Looked Like Up to Me.

When I woke up it was a morning like everyday, I felt heavy, already exhausted and after the feeling of sleep faded away my brain slowly starts to boot, running thoughts like an old vinyl, which felt like a mental prison. Brain Fog from Hell. Next step, computer, checking mails. Almost everything i did felt like i would watch myself through a bad quality cam in cold blue colours. Bored, standing still, frustrated. After i dropped out from school 2 years ago there was nothing, which distracted me from my inner feeling of 'not living the life' i wanted. The feeling of being a adjusted personality by others. I was unable to trust my own perception, couldn't make descicions with confidence.


After taking a shower and a quick fap i would go down to the local backery and grab an ice tea and some bread. On the way i was hoping for no waiting line. Crowded places with a lot of people, maybe watching me, made me nervous. I orderd with nearly no eye contact. Wanted to get out there. Back at my appartement. After a quick forced snack i would probably light a joint. And there was peace in my little own world, where i expulsed, how i felt on the streets. Now i was the star of my own rock 'n' roll movie. Afternoon, I would go to university maybe to study something i don't want to do and doesn't seem real to me. Seeing other people, which seem to enjoy it and have a passion for this I feel like a loser. Not taking what I want. Social anxiety rises. Two hours before going there are a rollercoaster ride in my mind, what could happen, how i could behave that others may reject me. My biggest fear. The fear of rejection. Of course i played this all down in public, but i think lot of people could sense my insecurities.

Home, watching porn, fapping. After the quick release, i feel exhausted, not at all in touch with my body.............





3 Weeks ago:


„Hi, how are you doing?“ asks the really hot stewardess, making a little conversation, maybe flirting a bit. I'm sitting on a plain straight to a destination half a day away. Jim Morrison singing into my ears, while all i see is clouds and the sun is shining in my face. Pure brightness. Break on through to the other side. No worries, chatting a bit with my seat neighbor, who i don't know. Laughing.


Arrived. Sleep. I don't have to think about what i do or say, it just comes naturally. And it always feels right. I don't make myself down for anything i do (almost).

There was a girl i really liked. She had an amazing energy, that really hypnotized me. I never felt such an energy the last 10 years or more. We were making deep eye contact and talked a bit. Sadly I've not seen her again after that.


I made friends with a lot of the people, who also spent their holiday there.

There were also a few other girls that definitley seemed to be interessted in me, but either the situation was bad or i wasn't into them. I have no problems with making conversation with girls anymore. There isn't this awkward vibe anymore, where i look for a good topic in my mind or try to not showing signs, that I'm into her. When there's a calm in the conversation they mostly take the conversation up again. I was always totally chilled and not needy. I have no goals in social situations. I just do what feels good for me at the moment. Maybe people like me, maybe they not, maybe i make friends, maybe i gain haters. I don't care. When I say something there's always a true intention behind it.


I'm standing up for myself and I'm working on my vision and most important I'm showing self-respect to myself. I don't want to live to expecations of others anymore and NoFap gives me the power I need.


When I look at photos from now and 6 months ago it's shocking. The glow in the eyes, the confidence and it looks like I'm 5 years older, but in a good way. On the other hand the others look like a dead corpse. I can see the suffer in my eyes. And i know the old self would say to me now: „I'm so happy you went on this journey, once Porn destroyed my soul and took my freedom“


I'm coming closer and closer to the feeling of my childhood days, where everything seemed to be possible and it felt good to be just here in the moment. To be a nobody (you know what i mean?)


My point of view towards girls has totally changed. I'm not objectifying anymore and way more girls seem to be interessting to me now. Especially sexually. During my Porn days i thought i could only be happy and have good sex with a girl, who has real big boobs. But there are way more things that can make a girl incredible hot.


Porn is just a circle to me. In this circle I can't grow. Yeah, i probably still love the „magic“ of porn, but it's not real and it's a very short pleasure with high costs. For me it takes to much away of my freedom. It makes me anxious & needy. Two things i don't want to live with.


After this great streak of 147 days, which totally transformed me, I struggled a bit for about one month, where i reset/MO'd 3 times (1 time to porn). Now I'm back at 27 days and trying to beat my old streak. One good thing i took with me from this was, that relapsing isn't the end of the world, as long as you stand up stronger after it. I was really afraid of relapsing, because I don't wanted to feel like before again. But 1 reset won't set you back that far. Knowing this is a gift and a curse at the same time for me. Cause now sometimes I feel like fapping just 1 time to release some pressure. But i got to remember that this is not the right way for me. Now i have to beat my old streak to grow.





Thanks for reading.



Have a good time.

 

Thanks for reading and the replys guys!

Stay strong everybody, let's do this!

 

Wow thank you so much guys for your words! It's really givin me so much strength.

@BetterMan123 Love your comment man. I actually really got into writing a bit the last days. So your words are right on time! Really euphoric right now. Haha, and i don't think its weird at all man.