Escalation, HOCD, fantasies, PIED, all in one

I suppose my story is similar to countless other stories here, though I am just now finding the strength to talk openly about it. I got into porn at a very young age, around 12 I think, and I just could not get enough of the women that I saw online. However, I felt it wasn't right to do what I was doing though I just couldn't stop, so into high school it devolved into an unstoppable addiction. I never really thought it was a big problem since I still was able to have normal and happy relationships with women. (I should point out now that I have always been attracted to women and never once felt any feelings whatsoever towards men. Women have always gotten me excited and I have always pursed a healthy relationship with women.) I was always confident in who I was and the kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be a strong man for my future family and someone they could look up to.

As time went on I noticed my addiction start to escalate into more weird things. Certain things that I never really enjoyed before, yet since I was still able to have a happy relationship with my girlfriends at the time, it never really bothered me. I never had any sexual issues or anything. Sex was always fulfilling and enjoyable. I was eventually able to start dating my girlfriend whom I love to death and would do anything for. Then "it" finally happened. My addiction had escalated me to cuckold, then transwoman, then eventually into gay porn. This happened over a long period of time but once it got into the transwoman stuff I found myself disgusted after I would O. to it. I kept coming back to it because I loved the rush that I was missing from the vanilla stuff. Eventually I found myself sexting with guys and then feel guilty afterwards, weird fantasies, all sorts of things that I regret. Even though it bothered me, I was still able to continue to have a happy relationship with my girlfriend so I was able to go on with life, and I would promise myself that I would stop, but as many know an addiction won't go away simply because you want it to. Things got bad when the HOCD set in.

Like many countless stories on this site my life began to spiral downhill when that phrase "what if I'm g.." popped into my mind. Now even though I am certain I am not, my mind just would not let go. I started thinking of how I would lose my wonderful girlfriend, my life would change forever, and I would never be the same again. My confidence took a severe blow. My energy just kept draining and draining until I started getting PIED and I couldn't finish with my girlfriend. I now constantly have anxiety and shame and I question my orientation almost daily. I found this website and I think I know what I need to do by quitting PMO completely and reboot my system. My problem is that I have tried and tried and I keep failing especially now since PMO acts as a sort of stress relief and, I have constant doubt about who I am. Vanilla P. gets me going sometimes but after I try abstaining, my body feels the rush and I sometimes slip back into the other categories. All I want is to go back to the person I was before

I guess I mostly write this to get my story out there and off my chest. I ask for any advice and help from all you veterans out there. Tell me your story, give me some tips, I would love to hear them. Any and all help is welcome. Thanks for your help.

 

Thanks for getting back to me good sir. It is good to know I am not alone out there.