Engaged and feeling like we argue more

Trying to recover while in a relationship is difficult. Trying to recovery while engaged and planning a wedding is even more difficult. Without hearing her side I can only imagine how unsettled and worried she must be. It's a big deal to get married and it is not a decision to be taken lightly. Getting married to someone who has not gotten control of their addiction must add additional worry and anxiety. She has every right to worry about getting married to an active addict.

To get to the point - you need to stop having relapses. Staying away from PMO builds her trust in you... relapses wipe that all away, even if you confess them. In our SO's minds PMO is a major betrayal. To them it is a violation of expectations. It destroys their self-esteem and self-confidence in ways that us men can never appreciate. Remember, they are not obligated to give us any more chances and if they do then that is a gift that they are giving us. To continue to fail is like throwing away that gift due to lack of appreciation. It does not make us husband material.

Check out this thread in the Partner Support group where the OP poses the question "Would you marry your porn addicted husband again if you could do it all over again?" So far the answer is a unanimous NO. As men, boyfriends, and husbands we all need to step up and stop relapsing. If we cannot then we need to give our women a chance to leave before we shackle them in a marriage that makes them miserable.

I understand your dilemma about trying to have clean thoughts and having appropriate sexual thoughts about your SO. That is why a decision needs to be made to continue having sex during a reboot or to abstain from sex during your reboot. It needs to be a mutual decision with the long range goal of beating this addiction and restoring trust to the relationship. The engagement and the honeymoon times are the worst time to reboot. It is often better to postpone the wedding, focus on recovery, and then get married when these major issues have been settled. Long term recovery is based on stability and if you haven't gotten a handle on this problem yet then things aren't going to get any better in the near future.

Show by your words and actions that you are a man who stands for truth, empathy, integrity, and honesty. Your fiance is looking for reassurance that you love her and find her desirable. Since these issues are not resolved then communication is a minefield where you don't know what is going to turn into an argument. So throw out all the petty arguments that are happening and address the core issues - her lack of trust in you and her feeling insecure as a result of your behavior.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh. I've been married for 18 years and I was an addict for 17 of those years. I was an a-hole and a terrible husband for most of those years. Most of the communication issues in my marriage was because of me and my addiction. I finally came to terms with my addiction and a lot of the petty squabbling disappeared once I got clean. Now my wife respects and loves me again. Now that I have two daughters of my own and soon they might start dating and I hope they never like a person who's addicted to this stuff. I'd advise them to run far away because until that boy gets control of their addiction. Only then would it be possible to make my little girl happy. Are you the type of person you want your future daughter to marry? I believe you could become that type of person.

I hope I haven't offended you. I hope you take this advice as if it's coming from your father, older brother, or trusted friend. If you have had long streaks then I believe you can finally put this to rest and stop worrying about telling or not telling her the truth. Conquering this addiction will eventually build qualities in you that will make you a great husband. Continue to work on yourself and the qualities you need to improve your life. I wish you success on your journey.

 

This exactly. Either make the decision to choose real life over fantasy world and then be someone who lives by their convictions or choose a lonely life of PMO and be up front about it. Stop stringing her along. You can't have your cake and eat it to. She has made to choice to stand with you as you leave porn behind and heal yourself, if that is not what you intend to do, then it's time to be real with, not only her, but yourself. Sounds like it's time to grow up and have some integrity.

 

I cried reading this. You hit the nail on the head. I hope my SO comes to understand my pain and distrust in this way someday.

"Are you the type of person you want your future daughter to marry?" is such a good way to give this some perspective.

 

You've been almost all youre life PMO ,you need time is not as easy as it seems i have urgrs to , but onestly dude the world isnt helping anymore , all you see is almost naked woman everywhere youtube chanell fb medea commercials youre neighbors like dude everything has a sex simbol on top take notice when you go out that P is taking over the real world , so just dont give up is not easy im not saying that , but is possible shields up luck

 

As a partner I can tell you exactly how she feels. First she has no control over the situation you hold all the strings. She can't stop your relapse only you can. So while I understand you are hurt too get that at least you are in control. You can choose to rebuild her trust and not Pmo but all she can do is sit there and hope you do the right thing for the relationship when you never have before. She suffers from constant anxiety and to whether you will relapse she's hyper vigilant so if any little thing happens that makes her think of what occurred she loses it. She feels like you are not sorry or serious enough about changing. She thinks you chose porn over her and she cannot understand why. She believes nothing you say and questions everything about your relationship. When were you being truthful? If you can hide this from her what else are you hiding? It ruins every happy memory you had together it's all tainted by this. She's not sure if she knows you. She blames herself she thinks she's fat, unattractive, has bad hair,is bad in bed and is just overall not enough sexually for you. She's grieving not having a normal sex life or relationship. She thinks more about her exes than she ever has or the man on the street that checked her out wishing that you would look at her that way but you don't. She's either over eating or not eating at all, she's distracted at work, she does not sleep well. She's embarrassed and afraid to tell friends or family so she deals with this alone. She's trying to figure out if you have other good qualities that she should stick around. She is tired of you acting defensive and becoming angry when she wants to discuss things and everyone you relapse you break her heart a little more. Broken trust is like throwing a glass plate that breaks into pieces. Sure you can put it back together but it takes a lot longer than it did to break it. And if you keep dropping the same plate eventually it will just be too difficult to put it together again.

 

spot on....sending you a virtual hug

 

Same to you !

 

I initially looked for this resource for my boyfriend. Definitely made me cry. Didn't realize how much it digs into me, until you summarized it all up so well. I have been feeling it here and there, but this just brought it all to the forefront. Makes me realize how not right this is.