"Done with this! I now won't screw", I'd made a vow before this too!

31 yo. PhD student at one of the top tech universities in the US (let's call it Tech). And pretty messed up. PMO may be the sole problem preventing me from living up to the potential everyone around me knows I have. I was a topper in my undergrad. And was the best at my R&D job for two years before I decided to pursue post-grad studies in 2010. And when I began, it was the first time in my life that I was living all by myself, away from friends and family. I had been stealing away PMO moments all throughout the years before that, but it never became an addiction. In my time here at Tech, I didn't realize that post-graduate studies are not like before, when I could just procrastinate my way until the last few days before a deadline and still manage to ace it by pulling a few full-nighters. I am a bad procrastinator, which also I realized only after coming to Tech. Because now I was not getting away with it. Long story short, the stresses that built due to the tough demands of graduate study, coupled with some really nasty people I was working with in my lab, I began going deeper and deeper into the PMO addiction. I began pulling disappearing acts, for many days, where I won't show up in lab, won't see my emails, nor receive phone calls. And just get myself consumed in PMO for all day long. Of course, my PhD started getting down the drain. Peers stopped relying on me for critical projects.

I had gotten married in the second year of grad studies, which coincided with the time I was supposed to begin serious PhD work. My sex life was pretty unstable in the beginning due to PMO. She had no clue about this habit. And I always made excuses about study pressures to be on computer all night long intead of being on bed with her. My performance was also not great. ED being a common phenomenon. One day she caught me. And then I decided to change. This was 3 years ago. I have made many attempts at controlling myself. And relapsed every time. But, have become self-aware and improved much along the way. To the point, where my wife thinks the problem is gone. That's because I perform fine in bed now. And that's because I use thoughts of porn scenes going in my head to keep ED from happening while at it. Also, since I manage to keep it once every two days, and go without doing it for a few days consecutively, before relapsing, my performance in bed is fine.

My fellowship didn't extend beyond five years, considering that they didn't see research productivity. My PhD supervisor passed away in the fourth year of PhD. That didn't help matters. But, I used that to gain sympathy from other faculty members to support me. I switched three advisors after that, because I disappointed each one of them due to my lack of self-discipline. By the third time though, I had really begun to get a grip on my problem by reading about this addiction and learning to keep track of my emotions and urges. I became really self-aware through this struggle. And it's been 14 months since I last pulled a disappearing act. I did finally start publishing, and qualified my PhD proposal (a major milestone before thesis dissertation) just last month.

The issue is, I didn't really go sober throughout this entire time, even though I did manage to improve in other areas. But the longest I could go without porn was 5 days. During the tough days before the proposal, PMO was my only coping mechanism for dealing with stress.

I recently have a new person in my life in the role of a solid PhD advisor. He was part of the committee that I presented my proposal to. And he loved my project and offered to support me in making a lot of improvements in the project, but with a commitment of real hard work from my side along with following a strict schedule. He is extremely kind to me. He keeps telling me that I am a brilliant student and that I have a very good project. These words sound alien to me now because of my track record in my grad studies. I cautiously believe him, because of the serious confidence issues I suffer from. And I take it that he also says these things only because he feels I need some encouragement to cope with my confidence issues. And he probably thinks that I have struggled only because my first advisor passed away, though I know that primarily it was my own addictions.

Last week, I relapsed really really bad. He had assigned me to complete a few things before our next meeting. And I again procrastinated, then got anxious when a few days were left in the upcoming meeting, and then completely relapsed when couldn't face my stresses. And I disregarded Ramadan and fasting too (which is a pretty big deal being a Muslim. I have broken many fasts due to masturbation for the past three Ramadans, even though before that there was not a single fast I had missed in my entire life). So I just went on this PMO spree that lasted three days---the three days before the meeting. I still went up to him (didn't disappear) and told him that I needed another week, because I couldn't work on the project the last week. He was again very kind to me. And encouraged me and allowed me time.

After the meeting I repented and asked for forgiveness from God for these major sins Not the first time I did this, but I want this one to be the last time I repent for this one act. I want to be done with this. I want to be sure I don't relapse. I want a fool-proof method out of this darkness. I don't want to lose the support of this extremely kind and established professor who has the potential to take my career to where my potential lies. It was this repentance that brought me here.

Thanks for reading this rather long story about myself, if you made it this far.

 

Thank you for the encouraging words. One of the new things I did this time was to turn off images in my browser. I never tried this before. Got the idea just by reading the "Getting Started" manual. I have also planned to make a list of the key ideas presented in that document (regarding pitfalls, and rewards of success). And then make a little code to remind myself of those points whenever I feel the urge.

What has benefited me in the past is to maintain a strong connection with God and to pray regularly (the five daily Muslim prayers) and at the end of every prayer I repent from the following:
- From all the fawahish (obscene acts), sayyi'at (evil deeds) and munkirat (forbidden things)
- From getting anxious over an upcoming event. One should only fear the accountability in the Hereafter when we will be answerable to each minute act we did in this world. That is the only thing one should fear. What happens in this world---success, failure, fame, infamy---are all tests from Allah in this world to see how we are patient and steadfast. So there is no point getting anxious about worldly matters.
- From heedlessness. From a state where I forget about my purpose of life, which is to submit to the wise and beautiful things God wants from us.
- From not turning back to Him after I fail.
- From running away from difficulties instead of facing them bravely.
- From regret. Regret is pointless if I truly repented because I should believe that He forgives me if I truly repent.
- From disappointment and hopelessness. However bad the situation one should always trust that the future holds something better.
- From being ungrateful in times of ease and happiness. This is the time when you can let the guards down and start following your desires instead of increasing your love for Him and His obedience due to the good things He bestowed on me.

This list I constructed over many months. I basically observed the emotions that lead me to fall. And then I add a reminder on this list of repentence in order to continually remind myself how to cope with it.

The last time I failed however, it was something new. It was just craving. Just powerful desire which I knowingly succumbed to, believing that I just can't resist it and I won't be able to function if I just don't do it one more time. You know. Get it out of the system. I did it despite reminding myself all the above things in a prayer.

I am still thinking of a defense mechanism the next time I have that feeling. Some ideas in "Getting Started" doc are helpful in that regard. I will use them, hopefully.