Don’t know what to do with my life

This is my story. It will be a lengthy post, but I want to share what's on my mind while being as concise as possible.

I am a 40-year-old man who is married with two children. I discovered my sexuality when I was 10-11 years old after finding my father's popular magazines. In my mid-20s, I experienced some past traumas and insecurities, such as catching my long-term girlfriend cheating on me with one of her colleagues at work, as well as experiencing small penis and premature ejaculation issues with girlfriends.

About 15 years ago, after a breakup, I became really depressed, which likely led to my PMO addiction. I had a few girlfriends after that, and I promised myself to never get depressed over a girl again, which led to a "be the cheater, not the cheated on" mentality. I would play around with girls until I got what I wanted, and then I met my wife.

We were a perfect match for each other, and we were both sexually satisfied, at least I was. After a few years of dating, we talked about marriage and starting a family. She decided to step back from all sexual activities to have something new to explore and enjoy after we got married. It was hard for me, but I agreed.

Due to my job, I traveled abroad frequently, and one time, I met some party and play type of guys who influenced me to arrange a meeting with a provider. It was fun, and since I'm vanilla in bed, I had no issues during the encounter. However, the downward spiral began with upcoming encounters until we got married. I promised myself to leave it all behind after getting married.

Since our sexual compatibility score before marriage was high, I expected to have a fantasy world after getting married with naked weekends at home, oral sex in the middle of the night, and more. However, reality was different. Our sexual compatibility went down to 10-15/100. We tried to talk about it, but she was too shy and insecure, and I accepted her as she was. We had an on and off bedroom with dry spells sometimes lasting five months, which worsened after having our children.

I found myself looking and planning for my next business trips for the upcoming ten years with a promise of "one last time" in my mind. After more than 70 encounters during a period of ten years, with escalations up to seeing three ladies per night and sometimes paying up to £1000/h, for me, it was and probably still is not really different (neglecting the moral dilemma) from hitting the gym with a personal trainer, having dance classes, or having an expensive wine and dine experience.

Unlike usual players, I am a very by-the-book person who takes care of my physical and mental health when in need. However, I go to great lengths to keep myself intact and cover my tracks technologically, financially, and medically. I stick with upscale providers, always use protection, and think that their clientele would be relatively richer (hence educated and medically aware), and they would be seeing fewer people, which would help decrease the risks.

I had two near misses that occurred as bruises on my forehead and back from fainting alone in my room after a party due to excessive alcohol consumption and heavy physical activity from midnight to early morning. My small P and PE issues were still on the table. I was using SSRIs and blue pills to show ladies what a man I was. Recently, I decided to see the impact of all those years and found out that almost £20,000 has been spent on encounters, booze, suites in hotels abroad, and whatnot.

We are again in a dry spell with my wife for the last eight months, and I have been avoiding encounters with providers for the last 14 months. Even though I was regularly checking listings and fantasizing about them and trying to make an appointment, I somehow managed to avoid doing the deed.

Since my performance anxiety is still there during all these plannings, including searching, communicating, taking supplements, etc., I was always a big fan of "releasing a single before dropping the album," if you know what I mean. Today, it seems that the habit of pre-party PMOing was keeping me away with its feelings of regret, shame, and guilt for those 14 months. Although I have been abstaining for the last 14 months, I was developing a new cycle like crave>check listings>organize>pre-party PMO>cancel meeting. It fed the PMO addiction while trying to stop another addiction (not to mention objectification and ogling issues), and I found myself in NF forums to see what other people are doing to deal with their own demons.

p I am on a 35-day streak of hard mode, and I am already starting to feel better, but having just a roommate in bed for the last eight months in my house makes me crave a risky encounter with a provider for the last couple of days. I am open to any suggestions. I am not a religious person, can say agnostic to be honest, but all my sins are going to the grave with me. Hence, it is impossible for me to seek support from my wife, family, friends, or anyone else. I never think of divorce because it is just sex that we are missing. It is selfish to raise my kids in a broken home for my sexual pleasure. We probably wouldn't take sex coaching, couple therapy, or any other similar help. We are too conservative for an open marriage and all sorts of arrangements. The only option it seems is that I will accept my fate and live accordingly and I really don’t know what to do with ny life.

 

Thank you, It feels great to open up.

You may be right but the stakes are too high for me to even consider.

I’ve tried and currently receiving professional help about my other issues but doesn’t feel comfortable to discuss my intimacy with my wife with a counselor.

I have checked some since last week, but all greater power, god, universe etc make me feel way artificial about my process.

Yes, writing helps a lot, waking up to another day to control my urges is keeping me focused.

But today, since now I’m abroad and alone in a hotel room I can feel that I am about to relapse

 

You know what, that helped me a lot. I took a long walk, had a few drinks here and there and came back to room exhausted and ready to sleep. Lived today to die another day!