Does socializing make you more of a man?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Kman20, Nov 10, 2018.

  1. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    I just got home from a party and was hanging around the kids more than the adults. I felt anxious around the grown ups or people my age. I felt like someone younger than the rest even though I think they all see me as their equal in terms of maturity. I left early and came home where I'm always alone and I'm just eating food and randomly browsing through youtube at old anime clips (My usual routine when I come home).

    I felt like less of a man because I'm not socially confident and out there. Because I stay home and don't do much of anything. I am introverted so I thought it was just me being me. But there's a difference between being shy and introverted.

    I'm thinking of going to the gym to be more of a social environment instead of being scared all the time. I'd rather be introverted than shy (Where I prefer to be alone than being scared to be alone and being able to socialize fine when I need to). So what do you guys think? I'm just spilling my mind right now with this thread.
     
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  2. SuperFurryThing

    SuperFurryThing Fapstronaut

    I've mostly been the same way too. I've been going to Meetup groups the last several months, at least one per week, and it's helped a lot with being more social. Had to force myself to do it because it has felt uncomfortable at times. In fact, just went to one today, a hiking group, and thinking of going to another one yet tonight, socializing and even DANCING at a bar. Would have been completely out of character six months ago. I often feel anxious before I go to one of these groups, but then after the group is over, I realize I wouldn't have made a friend or wouldn't have talked to that girl, if I wouldn't have gone and just stayed home. I remind myself of that when I have anxiety. So I think you have to find ways to practice being social, and put yourself in opportunities to be social. I think going to the gym is a good idea. I have also been doing that a lot this year. It's not really a place to socialize, unless they have fitness groups, but at least it gets you around other people. And if you go enough, and improve your health and appearance, it will make you more confident socially. Good luck, I'm with ya!
     
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  3. fapstronaut64

    fapstronaut64 Fapstronaut

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    I'd say in the gym you'll just get used to people having around you but won't engage most likely. Maybe it's worth considering doing something like wrestling or karate for close contact and direct engagement, you'll probably come up with reasons/excuses of why you won't do it. But maybe, just maybe listening to your fears got you like this, maybe going against fear will help you out of it. Who knows.
     
  4. Randy

    Randy Fapstronaut

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    Going to the gym also helps because building strength makes you feel more confident. Abdominal breathing helps too.
     
  5. The Unfadeable

    The Unfadeable Fapstronaut

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    Being comfortable with who you are and understanding what you want to be without measuring up some sort of outside standard makes you a man. Basically, if you're male you're already a man. I've always been very comfortable spending time alone but stepping out of my comfort zone, becoming comfortable socializing and learning to enjoy people more really has improved the quality of my life. I realized that akwardness was only in my head and after some practice I actually became very comfortable socializing with strangers and I've grown to enjoy it. I'm still not a big club person but I plan to start forcing myself to go out because stepping outside of my comfort zone socially made me grow by leaps and bounds.

    Stop thinking in terms of trying to measure up to the next man or meeting some woman's expectations and focus on improving and youll see the benefits soon.
     
  6. Fix_It_Mate

    Fix_It_Mate Fapstronaut

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    I'm intrigued by this "Meetup" thing. If you go join a hiking group for example, do people make an effort to include newbies in their conversations? Do you talk about any topics in particular with your fellow hikers?

    I feel like the biggest challenge of socialising isn't necessarily approaching others. Most people aren't malicious. I have more trouble trying to contribute in conversations. If I can't contribute, it just increases the feelings of worthlessness.

    Most people probably wouldn't understand or care about the technical aspects of the engineering I'm studying. And I can't really talk about work things since I don't have a job (starting work experience soon though which could be a big plus).

    It's hard. I wish I could see more discussion about how people overcome this side of things.
     
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  7. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Everyone has different personality types, strengths, weaknesses, circumstances, upbringing, etc. There's no point comparing yourself to others.

    What really matters is what you want. What do you desire? It doesn't matter if you're currently weak at socializing. If you want to be more social and connect with others more then it's something you have to get better at.

    How do you get better at something you're weak at? More experience. Without experience you're not used to handling different circumstances that relate to it. Circumstances that usually put pressure on you (anxiety / fear) are made not to matter as much by experiencing them more.

    What stops people from gaining the necessary experience is inexperience itself. Because inexperience usually means incompetence and insecurity. Nobody wants to feel like that. Most people want to skip that part of the process and be naturally confident and competent at whatever they do. Especially with something that's outside their comfort zone and something that they've placed importance on their life. They feel that it's so important that they don't want to mess it up. So they become overly cautious, excessively careful, and way too concerned about doing and saying the perfect thing. Thus they end up procrastinating, not getting the experience, not learning how to handle different circumstances, and staying incompetent / insecure.

    Trying to reach for something beyond your current comfort zone takes courage. That's all you have in the beginning when you don't have experience / confidence / competence at something. The courage to repeatedly fail, make mistakes, and look clumsy which eventually leads to the necessary experience leading to competent and confidence. The courage to let your ego get hurt because it's not as perfect or safe as it thinks it is.

    Pain, problems, and negative experiences are something a lot of people avoid, but they're exactly what people need to embrace in order to grow as a person. Certainty, comfort, and sticking to what you feel is safe doesn't allow you to get what you want in life.

    What's comfortable now (porn / solitude / escapism) becomes uncomfortable later on (unable to socialize).

    What's uncomfortable now (repeatedly failing at socializing) becomes comfortable later on (being competent, confident, and connecting with others).

    So be honest with what you want in life and look at what it actually takes for you to get it.
     
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  8. SuperFurryThing

    SuperFurryThing Fapstronaut

    Some Meetup groups are a little more "clique-y", where I see the same several people at each event, and when you are an outsider, it feels like you are trying to break in to an established group of friends. Other times, I think established members might be a little wary of newer members, because many new members don't last or don't come back, so established members aren't going to invest anything until after the newer member has attended over time and made themselves more familiar, I think. But overall, my experience with Meetup has been very positive. Keep in mind there are a variety of different Meetup groups. So if one doesn't work out, just go to a different one. I mix it up a lot and go to a lot of different kinds, so there is a different mix of people at each one. Honestly every Meetup I go to feels like me entering a group of mostly total strangers, which is an awkward idea for many people, myself included, but I've come to enjoy that more than if I was totally familiar with everybody. I've had bad experiences in the past with friend cliques, so at this point I don't mind meeting new people over and over. I've always been self-conscious in social situations like you, but Meetup has helped me to the point where my socializing is starting to feel more effortless, but still room for improvement. When you are self-conscious, you are putting all the pressure on yourself. Instead, what I've started to do that seems to help, is approach other people with the mindset that THEY need to show YOU what makes them INTERESTING to talk to, not the other way around. So then you're putting the pressure on them. If you think you are boring, just try this and you'll see that there are other people more boring than you, while others are actually interesting. Also I've become comfortable with being silent when in social situations at Meetup groups, I don't always have to be talking or thinking of something clever, again, sometimes it's letting the interesting people come to you. I encourage you to give it a try!
     
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  9. Fix_It_Mate

    Fix_It_Mate Fapstronaut

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    I like your insights. I want to become more effortless in socialising even with people I haven't met before.

    I think I struggle to draw a distinction between people being uninteresting to me and me being uninteresting. I'll try to explain.

    If people are talking about, for example, anime, stamp collecting or something which I don't really care about, then I still sort of get the feeling that I'm useless and can't contribute. Because, "rightly or wrongly", they're the ones having a conversation which interests them, and I'm just passively observing. Even if I know it doesn't reflect badly on me not liking anime or stamp collecting.

    But at the same time, some of the onus is on me. It's not a coincidence that I feel I can't contribute to most conversations and the "interesting people" aren't drawn to me. I know I don't always have to be a chatterbox, but I should be able to hold a reasonable conversation with most people about most things.
     
  10. SuperFurryThing

    SuperFurryThing Fapstronaut

    I know this mindset, you're worried about fairness in the conversation, that each person should do their part and be equals, and you feel guilty for not living up to this standard. The problem is, for whatever reason, you're at a disadvantage in terms of conversation/social skills. So, in my view, the solution is to overcompensate for your weaknesses by taking the pressure off yourself, and putting it on others, even if it doesn't seem fair to them. In the process, you'll feel more comfortable, get better at your skills, and then you'll get closer to conversational equity. No one will ever know that you're not playing fair and it doesn't matter anyway. Often we have mental comfort zones that we need to step out of prior to stepping out of real world comfort zones
     
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  11. Fix_It_Mate

    Fix_It_Mate Fapstronaut

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    Interesting. I've never heard of this approach before. How does one go about it? Definitely worth a try.
     
  12. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    No, but being able to properly socialise is an important part of being a man.
     
  13. SuperFurryThing

    SuperFurryThing Fapstronaut

    Well in your situation, it sounds like you're putting ALL the pressure on yourself, and NONE on the other people. I've experienced that myself. So to shake yourself out of this mindset, you overcompensate by saying to yourself that you're going to put all the pressure on everyone else, instead of on yourself. Then eventually you and everyone else will meet somewhere in the middle. At least that's how I'm trying to practice it
     
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  14. LostCloud

    LostCloud Fapstronaut

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    as a teenager i felt more comfortable with friends who were younger then me or older then me, the older ones knew how to start conversations with me, an i knew how to start conversations with younger friends, i was anti social also, i still consider myself anti social, i find people dont have interesting things to discuss all people seem to do is gossip, i cant find anyone who likes talking about the stuff im interested in, i believe being more social or what ever does not define a man, a man relies on no other man, he makes his own path, a man puts in more action then words, i know females who live by these concepts so nothing really in this discussion defines a man, if you believe your a man then your a man, things always change with me, if someone loves making music as much as me we can be besties, i think lots of females like quiet guys cause they are great listeners an females love talking,
     
  15. Brokenman123

    Brokenman123 Fapstronaut

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    Why is it an important part of being of a man alone? Shouldn't it be an important part of being a human being?
     
  16. titkata92

    titkata92 Fapstronaut

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    It's not always important to be around people or party hard. Doing something important at home. For example, such as cooking, cleaning, washing. You can call your parents to hear them or meet the new girl in the store. Learn a hobby to create music, learn to play chess ,sew clothes and other things. Never depress the head above.
     
    Brokenman123 likes this.
  17. Righthandman76

    Righthandman76 Fapstronaut

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    Don't be ashamed of your personality type. How social you are is really not all that important. What is important is that when you do communicate, you do it effectively and are fully understood by others. That is how you gain the respect you deserve and get what you want out of life.
     
    Brokenman123 likes this.
  18. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    It isn't an important part of being a man alone. It is an important part of a human being, but the question asked about being a man.
     
  19. MLMVSS

    MLMVSS Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

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    There are differences between being able to socialise, and wanting to socialise. I don’t want to socialise with people, especially ones I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. The ability to socialise is important as I see it, but not necessarily the love to.
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  20. ? ? ?

    ? ? ? Fapstronaut

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    Be proud of who you are . . .

    Don't change but upgrade . . .
     

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