Dissolution of Marriage

I am so proud of you.

 

I am so sorry for how his addiction has destroyed your marriage. You are doing the right thing for yourself. He has chosen porn over you and refuses to see that. This may be his rock bottom as well as yours. You don't deserve any if this. Keep your head up and continue with what you need. Don't accept his blame that you aren't understanding, he is not looking for that while recovering, only wanting you to sit back and let him have both worlds while he destroys you. I'm proud of you for standing up for what you need.

 

Aw, don't start that downward spiral of blaming yourself. As far as I can tell, he's so firmly in the grip of the addiction that he is unable to make an informed decision in regards to his porn usage. If anything you do like crying, begging, berating, ignoring, getting a divorce etc. may have the slightest impact on his porn usage, his brain is switching into "I have to protect my precious porn" mode at the blink of an eye. He can't see what damage he's inflicting on you, he can't have empathy for you because he can't feel anything right now. You did nothing wrong to begin with, and you did everything you could to help him wake up, to no avail. You are a strong woman, and if you decided that divorce is the only option left, you have all the right to follow that plan. Very few SOs have the strength to deal with that amount of constant abuse, humiliation and neglect. You have to stand your ground and follow through with that divorce idea. This is his last chance to come to his senses, if he doesn't wake up now, never look back.

 

It has nothing to do with that. He have probably not realized yet how degenerating porn can be. Everything you describe is a description of an addict. It wont help to argue about it. He has to see for himself. Objectification of women is what porn does to us. We are simply unable to see how messed up we are before we have been rebooting for weeks and months.

 

Another advice. Don't buy any of his lies and amends that he might come up with in the following days. He fooled you before, told you that he agrees to your terms while lying to your face just a second afterwards that he has to go to the office at least for a short while. Don't listen to him, don't fall for his lies. He will probably reach a whole new level of asshattery to lure you into staying. Judge him by his actions, not by his words. Even better, don't judge him at all and try to be indifferent towards him, and only think of yourself from now on.

 

I'm so sorry things reached a new low. It's not unusual for an addict to have a moment of clarity and then regress back into their delusional world. But what he did was beyond thoughtless addict thinking... it was mean and malicious and intentional. What he did was douchbaggery at it's finest. We were all hoping that once the addiction started to get treated then the man you loved would reemerge... but it appears that man is buried too deep. He is lost and has been replaced with the man you see now. You are not required to stay and wait for him to reemerge. Take solace in knowing you tried EVERYTHING. Many times cancer consumes a person and it cannot be cured... sometimes addiction consumes a person until there is nothing left. His humanity is gone, his empathy is gone, his kindness is gone, and his love is gone... all that is left is the anger and the pain. Addiction beat him... but it HASN'T beaten you. You deserve better things and now you have the opportunity to pursue them.

 

Hey! Stop that line of thinking right now! ... you are a wonderful person. It comes through your writing, and your struggles. You've tried, you really have. I think you can be proud of yourself, and proud of the efforts that you've made. But the ball was always really in his court ... there was nothing that more that you could do. You can't change him for him. Only he can change himself.

You have my deepest sympathies. Ending a relationship, for whatever reason, is a tough and difficult thing. That doesn't say anything about you - you are still a worthwhile, important, wonderful person. But at this time, under these circumstances, in this relationship - it just isn't working out. Sometimes things happen that way. I'm wishing you the best of luck and good things in the future - keep your chin up, and keep looking towards the future!

I also want to echo this:

I'm really sorry to say this, but it is completely true. Just as a drunk will outright lie to you, booze reeking from his breath, about how he hasn't taken a drink in days ... he'll lie in exactly the same way. Anything goes to keep both you and the addiction. I'm really sorry.

 

Nobody should have to need the strength to put up with the abuse, humiliation and neglect. I am no lover of divorce, but this relationship is at an impasse. A woman who sticks around for this kind of treatment isn't strong, she's bullied. Daisy, your choice to put your foot down is not a surrender. This is you fighting for yourself and, ironic as it may seem, for the relationship. It's a Pyrrhic victory, I know, but it's a better move than tolerance for his unrepentant selfishness.

 

I guess there's nothing more to be said, so I'll just echo what everyone else has said, particularly @ChangeMattersToMe.

I think you're making the right choice and I hope and pray you can find joy after this, even if it's not with your husband. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. It's a terrible, painful thing to lose love when you don't want it to be over. Hopefully things will change and work out in the future, but even if they don't, you will be okay. And we're all here for you and are rooting for you.

 

I've been reading your story, and until now I've not gotten involved. But I feel the need to weigh in. I can only empathize, having not felt your pain from your perspective, as I would assume most of these people advising and supporting you are in the same boat.

I believe marriage is a sacred bond worthy of protecting. I know you have been betrayed and feel that divorce is your only option, and it may well end there, but let me encourage you to look for other options.

You've spoken of separation, and I think you should go that direction before you throw away your sacred bond. As a man, the companionship of my wife is something I depend on, although I don't always demonstrate it, I could not function day to day without her. Now I've been married for a long time, so that reliance may be stronger than most, nevertheless, if the Mrs wanted to really get my attention, she'd just go spend a few weeks at her mothers. I don't know if that would work in your case, but why not give it a try? What do you have to lose?

In my mind, you'd really have to commit to being "separate", let him know what you're doing and why, then have no contact whatsoever for a set period of time. At the end of that time (Weeks, not days) meet at a neutral location and see if he's willing to truly work to change his ways. He'd have to be committed to the change, get counseling, get rid of the smart phone altogether, they still make phones that are just phones, agree to being monitored etc. Make sure he understands that he stands to lose you forever if he doesn't agree, and abide, to YOUR terms.

You've said that a little porn is not a problem for you, but let me be clear, any porn is a problem for an addict, so he must agree to zero. It's like a single drink to an alcoholic, it cannot be tolerated.

These are just my thoughts, sure there will be those that think you've done enough, and that may be so, but as I said before, what do you have to lose but some time?

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:4-6

 

I'll support this. Leaves the window cracked open for him to change without continuing to enable him or trample you.

 

I think this is particularly important, if you think @Trout's idea is worth looking at. Once the dopamine starts going, once the same old pathways in the brain are stimulated - the thinking just stops, and the addict comes out to play! That's the "brain fog" that you hear about so much here, we've all experienced it many times. Even if you (@Arkansasdaisy) can handle "a little" of it on occasion, he can't. So be clear, if you go this way, that it's not "limiting" use, it's irrevocably removing it.

I'm not saying this because I'm in the "NoFap cult", I'm saying it because I really feel for you @Arkansasdaisy, and I'm very aware of how the porn "grabs" us and doesn't let go! And "limiting" seems to be a surefire way to have a long, slow, horrible decline instead of the current big-explosion issues that you're facing right now. If he's going to do it - he has to do it right. Then you've got a chance of seeing the guy you married come back out.

 

You are doing great so far.
He's acting exactly like a child who are scared of losing his toy.
I tell you that because I was like him, I was reluctant to change.
Go straight on breaking with him, and avoid any contact for the next days/weeks.
He needs to go deep down through his mind. He eventually might not be able to grow up but for sure you are giving him a great possibility to become a true man.
I know it's hard, I send you and him much love.

Namaste

 

Yeah, that's probably a smart thing

 

Just a heads up, removing your profile won't remove any of your posts. So if he knew your username, he would still be able to see anything you've said. You have to individually delete all of your posts if you wanted to. However, on the contrary, I think it could be a great eye opener for him to read all of this and see that other people are agreeing with you, not him. Of course one has to be in the right mindset for any of that criticism to be beneficial, but it could eventually be a wake up call.

 

I don't see a reason why you should hide your posts, apart from the fact that it's not possible to begin with. If he's willing to take a look at YBOP and NoFap, he already did the first step in admitting the addiction. On the contrary, I regard him seeing your pain and despair as highly beneficial for him, as well as seeing all the thoughtful and reasonable responses from my fellow Fapstronauts. You are both still anonymous, too. Who are you trying to protect?