Disgusted with myself

Porn is a drug. Like heroine in a way. If someone even messes with heroine once they’ve created a neural pathway in their brain that they only have because they allowed themselves to experience the euphoric dopamine rush the drug gives as it destroys you. As with porn the more you do the harder it is to get off and the easier it is to relapse. Porn in this day and age is just as bad if not worse than any drug you find on the street. My life has been irreparably damaged by porn and led me to do things and open up toxic neural pathways that would’ve brought me to tears if I was able to see the future when I was younger. Every disgusting fetish under the sun is literally a click away thanks to the wonderful smartphones we’ve all become dependent on and that means if someone gets a real habit for porn it’s inevitable they’re going to escalate because it’s right in front of them like a bag of crack in front of a coke head. I’m a heterosexual male as I’m truly only attracted in a romantic way to biological women, but porn found a way to forge disgusting neural pathways where my lizard brain is susceptible to the fetishes and sensationalized porn I’ve watched over the years. The worse of which is trans porn. Why? Because the twisted neural pathways porn created in my brain. Years ago I wouldn’t think twice about if a trans woman was something I was into I know I’m attracted to biological females and still am, there is no part of me that actually would want to have a real relationship or anything romantic with a trans woman. I hope that doesn’t come off as me saying there’s an issue with the trans women but rather an issue with a person like me indulging in that thing in the most toxic and depraved way. I created a nightmarish pathway in my brain that is activated with two things cocaine and trans porn. The only times I’ve ever watched trans porn or unfortunately received oral sex from trans women I was on cocaine. I used to do cocaine recreationally here and there and had no issues but one time I was high on cocaine but not out and about at the bars socializing so all of that jumpy energy was used sexually and I’d just jerk off all night to porn. Cocaine lowers your inhibitions and leaves you susceptible to acting out in ways you normally wouldn’t. So on a dopamine high of jerking off and sniffing coke getting off to more bizzare and depraved porn scenarios, stumbling across transexual porn was like a taboo high. Most of that porn doctors the actresses to look like ultra feminine women except they have ducks so in my head I’m seeing a woman with a dick and it’s seemed so bizzare and sexually depraved to me that it was the perfect companion to the cocaine. Fast forward to today I’ve received oral sex from 3 different trans prostetutes while I was on coke and masturbated with trans webcam girls while on coke as well. As soon as I come down I’m borderline suicidal , not because there’s anything wrong with trans people it’s me doing things I know are hurting myself and coming from a truly depraved and evil place that kills me. I strive to be a good man. I believe in God I love women and I have a very strong conscience. So to know all of the sick things I’ve done that go against who I am and my beliefs because I’m addicted to stupid dopemine rushes brings me to tears. Just thinking about if my family or girlfriend knew the sick stuff I’ve done and the kind of person I’d allowed myself to be it kills me. So most of the really damaging trans stuff I.e. the hookers happened years ago and this is not something that happens often but every once in a while come will be around somewhere and I’ll be drinking so my inhibitions are low and I’ll do the coke and the same thing happens every time. I start looking at regular porn and then escalate to the trans stuff in the same night, I’ll do the whole bag and jerk off to cam girls. I’m disgusted just writing it. I’m so ashamed in myself. This doesn’t happen often so when it does it’s that much more harrowing. Anyone who knew this would definitely think I had some recessed sexual identity issues or something but it really is just a sick ticket to a brain killing dopemine rush it’s a violent toxic cycle. So anyways I’m posting back on here because last night it happened again. My gf broke up with me a few days prior so I went out with some buddy’s to keep my mind occupied, and of course one of them had coke and offered me a bump. My lizard brain kicked in and next thing you know I bought a bag and was jerking off on webcams. I know it sounds funny or like some dumb loser who can’t say no but it really is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever done to myself or that’s happened to me in life. It’s my biggest shame and skeleton in the closet. Those are real people on those webcams they’re seeing this shit. How could I be so careless with my life. I feel like it’s a stain I will always have to live with even if I never do it again. It sounds like bullshit but it truly is a twisted dopemine rush for me. Porn has stained my life, self respect , and self image forever. I’m posting this really because I have to get it off of my chest somehow and hopefully maybe find some helpful support. Please don’t come with the there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to trans women or this is offinisive to trans women stuff. I have no hate towards them whatsoever. I use them like some kind of twisted freak show drug to release my depraved thoughts and neural paths. That’s the issue. I’m doing things that sicken me . As I said this is not something that happens often but once is too much and it’s happened way more than once. I hope I can forgive myself, move on, and truly gain the self control to never put myself in this situation again or I fear someday it could lead me to offing myself .Thanks for reading. Sorry the post was so long.

 

It’s not something I struggle with on a daily basis and the true trigger is substances otherwise I’d never look at that crap again. I need to stay away from that shit at all costs. I think living with the guilt and shame of having done those things in the first place is truly my problem

 

Speaking the truth. Porn is evil all the way through. I just find it hard to ever forgive myself of what I’ve done. I feel like I’ve compromised myself and have to live with these skeletons forever. My main goal is to never put myself around those substances because they truly only possess me with evil.

 

Appreciate it man. I really hope I can get past this shame someday. I’m not going to give up.

 

I feel you man. I don’t have as much of a compulsive porn addiction anymore as it’s not something I’m constantly doing but I have relapsed into it in vulnerable times which feels even more crushing . I’m dedicated for that to never happen again but truly gaining my self respect and confidence back is the tough one , I’ll even go as far as to say my shame and guilt probably subconsciously trigger me to be careless and destructive and get high, watch porn cams, etc.. If I can truly find a way to find redemption I. My heart and not carry the guilt and shame I feel I wouldn’t fall back into it. I think in the back of my mind I believe I already tainted myself so it’s easier to do it again when I’m in a weak state

 

The trans stuff is what really damaged me. I feel like less of a man, I know if anyone knew about it they would definitely think I was truly into that and they were some kind of repressed sexual urges because I believe only people who have been badly affected by porn would truly understand. If it was something I liked and was okay with I’d feel fine, but I know that’s not the case. As soon as I’m sober the thought of being with a trans person makes me nauseous. The cam stuff and the escort stuff really make me sick as these are real life experiences where I actually engaged with to some extent at least with porn it’s just you that knows about it . I’m so ashamed for doing this to myself I’ve hurt myself in ways no other person could I really need to figure out how to recover from here and not feel shame deep down when I’m with a woman when I think about how disgusted she’d be(rightfully so) if she knew the things I’d indulged in in the past.

 

I seriously never want to watch porn again period. Sometimes it’s hard for me to feel Gods presence even when I pray. Sometimes I find myself doubting if he’s even there for me . I want to live a good , happy, and productive life.