Difficulty improving self

I often don’t know what to do with my time. I have a very strong tendency to think negatively about myself to the extreme. I’m naturally good at a lot of things but I never stick with them long enough. I also latch onto things as if they give me value, and then all at once I give them up completely.

I don’t believe quitting porn will solve this, I think solving this will eradicate the crutch of porn. I just have no self respect. I often look at other men and they have self respect but I don’t really understand why.

Years ago I joined a notoriously elite fire department thinking this would allow me to prove myself. I made it through fine, was a top guy in the recruit school, but then almost to the end I sort of checked out mentally. The whole thing was really a breeze and enjoyable until my mindset changed. This is a pattern that’s been with me my whole life with everything I do. I don’t understand how to break it. It seems when I put in the effort to break it, it backfires on me hard. There must be some lack of understanding preventing me from realizing my potential.

I had 3 brothers who were cage fighters growing up, and I was the soft one. I think that really molded extreme insecurity into my personality. I’m an even better athlete than them, I just don’t believe in myself at all. I’m mentally weak. If doing stuff doesn’t fix that, there must be something wrong with the way I’m thinking.

 

For years I have been so envious of people raised to have the proper self worth. But it’s such a waste and so toxic to think this way. For one it is a very isolating mindset, which I believe is my kryptonite. Isolation is the catalyst that brings out the worst in my imagination, and the truth is you turn into what you think about. It’s a frightening thought that this is true. I never saw myself doing many of the things that I have done, and I truly believe they wouldn’t have even crossed my mind if it were not for years of isolation.

My self perception is very distorted. I have been trying to break this by calling people more. Not everyone has been blessed with as many people whom they can call as I have. My worst nature causes me to squander these relationships. It’s wired into me. I will lose touch with someone for years who would love to just hear my voice over the phone, and I tell myself they are better off without me.

I think the truth is that it’s selfishness. What is a low value person? It’s a selfish person. Look at Jesus Christ. He died with no money, no home, and no clothes. And in his dying breaths he displayed that his mind and heart was focused on others.

I think that must be the key. Realizing that I have something to offer others. The value is in the seeing that I have something to offer + the actual offering of it. ”It is more blessed to give than to receive”