Didn't Realize I Had a Problem

Welcome, we are here to support and encourage. Have a look around and read some of the testimonies here for encouragement and knowledge. Starting a daily report is good (i do a monthly one myself) as confessing to one another is healing. I am married myself and my wife and I are in this journey together supporting each other. I can tell your wife loves you as it seems like she is brokenhearted. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Now use that to drive yourself to get better!

 

I also thought I didn't have an addiction until I began abstaining. I only started this for spiritual reasons, but when the urges came to search for porn, I realized the hold it held on me. I hope you find the motivation and encouragement you need on this site. Your wife can always be your best accountability partner. We're also here in the struggle. Good luck, and may God bless your marriage.

 

Big time congrats on your decision to abstain from P and M. I am married, too. As a veteran of trying to get better, in spite of my relatively short streak, I have some suggestions:
1) Make a promise to yourself never to lie to your wife again about this issue. I did, and it screwed up my recovery. I don't anymore, and it helps.
2) Find the activities which work for you to do when you are tempted. Because it is highly likely that you will be tempted. Search on this site and others for ideas which resonate for you.
3) Check in with yourself, and notice how it feels as you progress in your sobriety. There are subtle changes that take place for the better. Be grateful for them. That is you becoming more alive, more genuine.
4) Go deep in the gratitude for your wife. It is a precious gift in life to have someone who loves you like that.
5) Don't "edge", or anything else. Practice the five second rule. If porn type thoughts start running through your head, make a deal with yourself that they only get five seconds, then on to the next thing. No entertaining these kinds of thoughts. We can't stop them from coming in, but we don't have to sit down and have tea with them.
6) Watch out for the "rebound" effect when you make love with your wife. That is when, soon afterwards, you sort of drift over and start Ming or looking at P, without really thinking about it. Or worse yet, you tell yourself, "I have this handled. I just had a successful lovemaking session with my wife! A little M or P shouldn't be a big deal." It is, a very big deal.
7) Recognize that this P and M thing has wormed its way into you. It is not going away next week or next month. Give up the idea that there will come a time that you say "I got this handled". That statement will be your undoing. Read this from a post by Ridley:

When does a relapse truly begin? Does it start when you open your incognito browser and start browsing porn? No, I actually think it starts long before that. A relapse starts with a simple, innocent looking idea: "I got this". It will manifest itself in lots of different ways as you tame your addiction, like these:

• I've abstained for long enough. I can handle just a peek (or a short session) at porn without slipping back into a full-blown addiction. I got this.
• My addiction has become so weak that I no longer need to stay focused on productive activities like exercise and meditation. I got this.
• I've gotten to a point in my addiction where I don't need to journal about it anymore. I got this.
• I've gotten to a point in my addiction where I don't need to handle triggers or urges with care and attention anymore. I got this.

As an addict, these thoughts, if left unanswered and unchecked, will inevitably lead to the opening of your incognito browser and browsing of porn. Thus, a relapse begins the moment you convince yourself that you no longer need to stay focused on your recovery. It is important to recognize that our addiction will try to play tricks on us. Even several months into recovery (as I am), I still need to abstain from porn, continue to do healthy and productive activities, journal (or talk with a therapist), and handle triggers and urges with care and attention.

Consider this post a reminder that you can't let your guard down. So long as you abstain, your addiction is weakened. However, it will try to trick you into feeding it by convincing you that it has gone to sleep forever.

I tell you these things because every one of them applies to me.

 

Thanks for mentioning me

As for you, @RLTB19 , I think it's great that you're here. It's going to be a difficult time in your life, but I think it'll make you a better man. I am fully behind the decision to keep communication lines between you and your wife open about this issue. There are a lot of addicts who come to this forum with a recovery plan that doesn't involve disclosure to their significant others. The thing is, you can't fight addiction on your own, and you're very lucky that your wife is so supportive. I think you're taking all the right steps so far, and the people on this forum are here to help whenever you get stuck.

One thing to keep in mind is that, since you've been open with your wife about things, this isn't going to be a recovery for you only, but also for her. She's going to need just as much support as you do, but in a different way. It sounds like you're already aware of this to a certain degree, but it's important to keep in mind nonetheless.

 

I'm also really glad you're seeing a therapist about this. I have high hopes for your recovery, dude