Did i do the right thing?

While I do not know your relationships dynamic, I can tell you of one thing for sure. Telling your SO (significant other) will always be the best choice in the long run.

When I told my SO, they were initially shocked, upset, and angry too. That is a very natural reaction. I feel for you, and I'm pretty sure my partner feels for your partner.

However, the only way you can grow closer and overcome this is by being honest with yourself and your partner.

You did the right thing. There are so many great resources on this website that can help you and your spouse navigate through this.

Something that helped reassure my SO that I was intent on changing was showing the steps I plan to take in order to grow and fight this addiction!

 

Yes you did the right thing. Will you lose her? Maybe. But I guarantee if you want a real, authentic, connected relationship then it is the only way. Lying always creates a wedge. Lying hurts both of you. Lying takes away her right to choose if she wants to be with you. A relationship is built on love, trust, honesty, openness, respect and faithfulness. Addiction robs you of all of that.

 

I told my wife about my struggles with sexual thoughts and fantasy 13 months ago. On Valentine’s Day to be exact (I’m quite the Romeo). Over the past year I’ve done a tremendous amount of healing. I am still not perfect. I struggle with using sexual fantasy as an escape for years, adamant on not telling her because I knew it would hurt her.

Many men here talk about spouses that were so supportive in their healing. Spouses that seemed to understand and help their husband to get whole again. This was not my spouse. She was angry and hurt.

Over the past year, I know I have gotten to a healthier place. Really that’s all I can control. I have more fulfilling relationships with friends, I am more productive at work, I have more peace in my soul. All of these things will lead to a longer happier life. I am a better father and a better husband.

Recently I’ve been feeling a sense of loneliness and isolation in my marriage though. There’s been a barrier that I just can’t knock down. I couldn’t tell if it was in my head or if it was real. But last night I was very upfront with my wife on what I needed from her. And she opened up to me that although she loves me, there are still deep wounds that she has from the hurt that I caused. Particularly in the realm of intimacy. She is very turned off by what I’ve done.

I am so glad she told me this, but still so frustrated that 13 months later she has such raw wounds. All I can control is my healing. I have encouraged her to get counseling to help her process the betrayal trauma. But I can’t make her do anything. I journaled about it on this forum this morning.

Just know the road you are on is the right road! You did the right thing! Know that healing will take years. But you were on this path well before you ever met her. It is not her fault, it is not your fault. You likely didn’t even know where pornography would lead when you first started to consume it. The important thing is you are healing now. I wish you well

 

No it doesn't. She always had the right to choose. No one forced her to say "I do." In fact, the vow usually includes the concept of "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health." Porn is certainly a sickness of the mind that affects one's physical health. No one, porn consumer or otherwise, is without the sickness of sin, which is perhaps why the vows acknowledge the imperfections of one's chosen companion.

 

I disagree. For sickness and in health relates to future issues or issues already known. You can't say his wife had an actual choice if his addiction was kept a secret from her prior to marriage. If he would have told her about it prior to marriage maybe it would have caused her to change her mind on whether or not to get married. Yes, we are all sinners, but this does not excuse us from withholding a serious condition from those we plan to marry, thus robbing them of the opportunity to make an informed decision.

 

Exactly, especially sexual sin. So your escort problem should be excused and hidden and lied about? Your camming/sexting other women isn’t a big deal, What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her right? And you did vow for better or worse, because yeah we all sin. Except that pesky part where you both vowed Forsaking ALL others. Gonna keep violating that part of the vows.

 

Actually men in relationships with sex addicts feel very much the same way. They feel their partner is cheating with porn as well. It’s just not as common for the man to be the one who is betrayed. Attend sa meetings and you’ll find it more often . Even if you don’t view it as infidelity you are cheating your partner out of a loving, honest, healthy, trustworthy connected intimacy. None of those are present while you lie to your spouse to protect your addiction. Please don’t get in a relationship if you think lying about your sexual activities is ok.

 

There are some things that are to be confessed to God alone. If your sin is between you and God, you need not give publicity to it, but confess it to God. Often poor, weak mortals act very unadvisedly in the matter of confessing their sins to human beings. . . .

 

Except that when you marry the two “ become” one and sexual sin affects your partner greatly. The opposite of addiction is connection. He will have an impossible time truly connecting with his wife if he’s not faithful or honest. If you’re hiding your addiction, then you’re protecting it and yourself. I have so much respect for those men who treat their partner with respect and honor and as equals, by letting them know they have a problem. It’s cowardly and weak to lie to your spouse.

 

You absolutely did the right thing in telling her. Unfortunately, the problem is that you first did the wrong thing by NOT telling her for so long. So telling her the truth was the right thing, but it was also a light switch that turned a spotlight onto all the previous lies. It might feel like telling her was the wrong thing, but telling the truth isn't what caused this problem. Lying is. The same result would have happened if you didn't tell her the truth and she found out on her own somehow.

My husband told me about his porn addiction before we even started dating, because he felt I deserved to know what I would be getting myself into by dating and potentially marrying him. He was absolutely right, I did deserve to know that, because it's a huge problem that has effected our lives and our marriage negatively in many, many ways.

I'm sorry that you are feeling depressed about your wife's response, but to be honest, I don't think her response is wrong, and I would probably have reacted exactly the same way. Porn addiction is a huge deal, and on top of that, you've essentially been lying to her about something really important for your entire relationship. Lies and secrets feel like a slap in the face. I remember when my husband had lied to me for a while about whether or not he was still using porn. When he finally confessed, it felt like every interaction we had before that was tainted now by his secrets. Because every single time we interacted, he could have told me the truth and chose not to, which I consider to be lying. So every single time we had seen each other or spoken to one another for months, he was lying to me. I would imagine that's how your wife feels, but on a much grander scale.

 

Porn addiction isn't just between him a God. It effects his wife greatly. She absolutely deserved to know about this before agreeing to marry him. Maybe she would have still married him, but she also might not have, and she deserved to be able to make that informed choice, not have such a huge thing sprung on her after making that lifelong commitment.

 

That's a really good motivation, but don't forget to do this for yourself, too. If the worst happens and your wife decides to leave, you need to have the motivation to continue doing the right thing for yourself, not just for her.

 

Yes! Absolutely! I had that informed decision, and I still married my husband. But if he would have kept all of that from me until after we were married, I would have felt completely cheated. It would feel almost like I was tricked into being locked into a contract before getting the full picture. That's not okay.

 

Nonsense. My husband absolutely cares about my sexual health and wellbeing, and me being rid of sin in my life. My sin effects him just as much as his effects me.

 

I agree that sexual sin affects the partner greatly. If we stop and think for but a moment, we realize that this is actually true of any cherished sin. Consider, for example, the man who is addicted to playing video games, but is embarrassed about it and hides it. Consider the wife who is addicted to food, binging, but purging, to keep from gaining weight. And then there is the spendthrift, addicted to shopping, who could easily deplete the family resources. Many addictions are easy to hide, despite being very damaging to one's family members or close associates.

I would say the opposite of addiction is temperance, not connection. In fact, a case could be made that two people addicted to each other would be well connected, despite being unbalanced. I actually spoke once with a friend of mine from college who raved about how she and her husband were just waiting at the end of each day to have intimate time together. (I am certain she was trying to make me feel jealous, as she had been interested in me but I had not reciprocated, despite finding her attractive.) According to her claims, she and her husband were very well connected--and both addicted to each other.

I don't know of many men, if any, who would be "truly connecting" with their wives within the first two decades of their marriage, regardless of addiction status. To be "truly connecting" is a high standard which many never reach in a lifetime. As a former mentor of mine carefully taught me, it is much easier to get a woman to bed with you than to connect with her, heart-to-heart and understand her.

Most people hide their addictions; and it certainly does little to protect them.

Really? I think most of the SO's here look condescendingly on all of the PA's, regardless of what they might have confessed, just by virtue of being sex addicts. The words spoken usually show the true feelings in this regard.

I would agree with this in most circumstances. I can think of a few exceptions, but they have next to nothing to do with sexual addiction. But let's not forget that keeping quiet is not the same as lying. I have kept quiet about a great many things, but if asked about them I would not lie.

 

Sorry, but that's just a stupid technicality. Life doesn't work that way.

I really don't understand why you are arguing so hard against a point that is 100% Biblical, which is the importance and value of being honest and trustworthy, especially with your spouse.

For someone who claims to "do all to the glory of God" you sure do give a lot of unbiblical advice around here, pretty often.

 

Are you attempting to claim that silence is lying, Biblically? If so, perhaps you would like to review the story of the prophet Samuel who was asked to anoint a son of Jesse as the next king while Saul was yet on the throne. Samuel was afraid for what might happen if the king's servants asked what business he was on in going to Bethel.

Spoiler: Bible texts

And the LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? fill thine horn with oil, and go, I will send thee to Jesse the Bethlehemite: for I have provided me a king among his sons. And Samuel said, How can I go? if Saul hear it, he will kill me. And the LORD said, Take an heifer with thee, and say, I am come to sacrifice to the LORD. (1 Samuel 16:1-2, KJV)

God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good? (Numbers 23:19, KJV)

In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began; (Titus 1:2, KJV)

If speaking only a partial truth was not a lie, because God cannot lie and would not tell His prophet to do so, then it cannot have been a lie to keep silent about the rest of the errand.

 

That was not my claim, no. But to try to claim that keeping a huge secret from your wife is okay because it's not technically lying, is obviously unbiblical. That was my claim.

You're trying to twist scripture to an application that is clearly unbiblical. God has never encouraged a husband to keep sexual sin secret from his wife. That text has nothing to do with this situation.