Did I do something wrong?

Neither of you are hypocrites, but you both made mistakes. When your relationship was approaching engagement, you both should have had very candid open conversations about your pasts, your vices, etc. That being said, I am not here to condemn, judge or shame. Mistakes were made on both sides. It happens, so now what?

Be a man. Lead. Set firm direction and boundries for what your relationship is going to look like, what is okay, and what isn’t. She can collaborate in that, but you are the leader. Own it. Simultaneously lead your self. Keep your shit together, and show her that you are a man of discipline and confidence. Find healthy coping mechanisms to replace the PM usage. Watch Jocko Willink and Jordan Peterson videos to help find your confidence, sense of purpose, and discipline. She will love seeing that. Remember that you are just as valuable as she is, otherwise she wouldn’t be marrying you.

DO NOT LET FEAR OF LOSING HER ROB YOU OF YOUR SENSE OF SELF RESPECT AND VALUES. EVER. If she leaves you because of you wont let her emotions rule over you, trust me man, you are better off without her.

Now bro I want to be really clear on something. This is the most important part of what I have to say. If she is willing to completely walk away from her past life, and begin something totally new with you, and also be painfully open about her past, then you have a good thing going. If she is not willing, or says she is then she lies again, you have every right to walk away and YOU SHOULD walk away. There is nothing worse in the world than being married to an unfaithful and deceptive person. And guess what? The same applies to you. Get your porn consumption under control before you are married. Let her know its something you have to work through. If you look at porn during marriage, its unfaithfulness. If you look and you dont talk to her about it, its deception and unfaithfulness. If you look and dont talk to her about it for an extended period of time, you are betraying your marriage vows to her. The axe swings both ways. Find support for both of you together and separately. Marriage counseling is a huge help, dont feel ashamed of it.

Hang in there, you are going to be just fine. Stay strong.

 

Ever hear the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer? I don’t want you to be buddy buddy with her ex nope. When two people are married anyone who is a significant part of ones life need to be part of the others. What I’m saying to you is that if you ask to meet this dude and he won’t show up or she gets nervous then I would be sucpicous of his intent. It’s a lot harder for someone in your home or your face to betray you. See what happens.

And make sure you are certain that she’s happy with the sex because you seem a bit overly confident, when my ex was pmoing he was a horrible lover but he thought I loved it.

 

Just want to validate OPs feelings here. It's sad that we need formal declarations or "contracts" to define when people will be sexually exclusive. If you are dating because you are interested in marriage, then be exclusive. Otherwise, don't waste someone's time. It sounded clear that the OP communicated they were interested in dating for marriage.

Also, secret conversations with an ex should be talked about and cut off. Now is the time to be exclusive. A formerly romantic and sexual partner should not be a friend.

 

Really so before you have ever even met a person you expect them to be monogamous to you? Have you done online dating ? Do you know how often the people show up and look nothing like the photo? She had sex with someone else before she even met him! And while I agree with you that it’s sad we have to define when something is exclusive to gain monogamy that’s how things are. And it’s usually the women that get burned. That’s why dating advice to women is no sex before monogamy . Then the guy tells you Thursday you are monogamous and you have sex and Friday he’s no longer monogamous.

The only way you can truly see someone’s character is through getting to know them over time.

No one has a right to tell Jim his feelings are not valid he feels them and has every right to do so. But for me personally it hits some red flags. I don’t see how what she did was wrong. And a guy who thinks she did reads as insecure, needy and a bit sexist. They had not even met and she slept with someone? Why should have to tell him that? That’s no more acceptable than asking how many people she has slept with and who? And when a guy asks these types of questions many women fib why ? Because the men that ask these questions can’t handle the answer! That’s why they are asking in the first place. Most men don’t ask these things. No one wants to think about their partner having sex with others. So why bring up the past? If you have an STD, a child, if you were married, if you are a current or past addict, if you’ve been to jail, if you have a sexual dysfunction these things yes you need to tell because they could effect your partner. But when you last slept with your ex before you met him? That’s none of his business how does that effect him?

And no secret conversations or relationships when you are engaged absolutely. I agree.

 

It sounds like they had some very serious conversations in the weeks leading up to their first date. If so, are you suggesting that was a lie? OP said his fiancee said she was in emotional turmoil at that point and I believe him. That's not the OP's fault for taking serious conversations seriously though.

 

I understand. It sounds like you have a great future together and engagement is very exciting. We have a tendency on this forum to jump down PAs throats, assume the worst about them, and even attack them. I saw some of that happening here and wanted to address your feelings. Keep up the good work.

 

In that case, I revise my previous post to avoid ANY conversations with previous partners. Some might be unavoidable, but that door has to be closed, locked, and thrown away the key.

 

Good job, glad she understands and ended contact. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

My pleasure. I’m proud of you! I get that its hard. But ultimately you both cannot change each others past, but you can build a new future together. Healthy masculinity is not easy, but its a worthy pursuit, and you will find your future bride admiring you more everyday as you lead your marriage and household.

After 4.5 years, my marriage was on the bring of ending. We were in the final stages. A hair string away from separation, which at the time, I know would have led to divorce. The advice I gave you is the same advice my father in law gave me. “Be a man, and lead.” It instantly changed my sense of confidence. It broke down all the emotions and hurt and frustration and gave me a sense of mission and purpose. So what does it mean? It means dont let you insecurity, fear, frustration, depression, anxiety, etc control you. Stifle it temporarily so that it doesn’t get in the way of your decision making, then work through it and process it. Just like a good soldier or a general... In the heat of battle, he cannot let fear or anxiety of death, the anxiety of his men being killed, nor the depression of watching his friends get shot and dying, stop him from holding the line and fulfilling his mission objectives. He buries the emotions (TEMPORARILY) to finish and win the battle, then he works through all the pain and emotions he is dealing with. That can be through journaling, support groups, counseling, friends and accountability partners, your SO, etc.

Again. I am not saying to never deal with your emotions. But you need to lead first. When things are hard, dont let fear of conflict, or fear of losing her rob you of yourself and your natural leadership. Be a man. A fearless general or soldier who acts decisively in his mission to lead his household. Sometimes she will love it, sometimes it will bother her, but she will RESPECT you tremendously over the course of your marriage. This is what women truly want in their significant other. When you do this 80% of the time, she will love the opportunity to help you work through areas you feel insecure when you bring it to her under the context of seeking her affection and support.

Go forth and conquer!

 

I agree with most of your advice but I’m female and I don’t agree that all women want the man to “lead” in a relationship while we the women are seen only as collaborators. With many modern women this type of thinking would be a recipie for disaster, for example me and most women that I personally know. There are some that want a man to lead them, but most want an equal partner. If it’s an area that he’s good at, he can lead, but if she’s good at something else she does. But both parties have an equal say at where things are going. Making someone solely a collaborator means they have a say but are not the ultimate decision maker. I see a lot of guys giving other guys this advice and think huh?

Self esteem and confidence are very important. And not being fearful of losing her or being fearful but knowing if it happens you will be okay is life changing.

And each person individually should set boundaries and has the right to. And if one person says my boundary is no contact with exes and their partner says no then the person must decide to stay or go. But no matter what the situation is a partner should never diminish the way something makes their partner feel. And should at minimum try to change it.

 

Collaboration by default implies equality. Leading doesn’t mean a discrepancy in equality. Every relationship, group, community, nation, etc requires a defined leader. It doesn’t make the leader superior unless that is the expectation.

There are areas my wife is much more skilled than I am, and she leads in those areas. At the end of the day, she defers to me as the man, protector and the leader of our household.

 

The leader is not equal to a collaborator not at all. Because the leader makes the final decision no matter what the collaborators say. And you said that she “defers” to you as the leader of the household the “man.” To defer means to allow the person to do what they want even if the couple disagrees. If that works in your marriage then that’s great. All I’m saying is that with reference to this poster he may not get a very positive reaction if he takes that position and asks his partner to treat him as the leader of her house and defer to him. Certainly if he behaves in that way. It might actually make things a lot worse or cause her to cut and run.

 

Every relationship has its own balance. He and his SO will have to find their own balance.

That being said, it is better for experienced men to guide men who are new to a particular journey. His future bride will respect him more if he heeds my advice and hashes out the exact details and balance of their relationship over time. Things will work out very well for them, he will feel happy, she will admire him, and he will adore her. Its the natural way of things that has worked the best when applied properly. When abused, it becomes a bad thing. OntheSurf4ce is a good man, he will find his way forward and feel confident if he follows the advice of his fellow man who has been at this for awhile now.

 

I agree that male mentorship is crucial today and there’s not enough of it. But when you are giving him a guide from the 1950s to use on women of the current decade he’s going to run into some problems. Your method would turn a lot of women completely off of being with that man. Gender roles are different now. 60% of households now have women as the primary breadwinner and many men stay at home and care for kids. These women are not looking to be led by a man I can assure you of that.

 

It was excellent advice but sadly some people feel threatened by imaginary gender wars and even the word "leadership". Ask my wife what she wants in a man and the answer will change every minute! Leadership is never a bad answer. Lead on.