Diary

I just want to use this as an outlet for my current emotional states etc. Currently on day 3. I took up the gym again I started back in November and quit in January but took it back up again mid February. Trying to quit smoking as I'm asthmatic and that doesn't really help the situation either. My lung capacity feels the worst it's ever been. But I'm lifting pretty heavy weights so just gradual improvements been on the treadmill to try help regain some of what I lost.

Unis going ok. I need to study more and trying to take up reading again. Feeling a bit stressed out lately for a few reasons. My bikes been playing up and no matter what I do can't seem to fix it changed the ignition coil and spark plug and I don't know if it's cause it's sitting dormant in rain and probably doesn't help the fact it was -1 the other night but the engines cutting out in neutral more often than I would like. Pretty much have to sit with it in high revs every day to get the baby to warm up to me. Overall things are going ok. Saving up for a car and on my driving lessons just trying to get whatever little motivation I can get back to doing things. Probably looking at changing my job to as just not happy where I'm at and spend a lot of dormant time with myself and my thoughts. I don't get a lot of socializing really so of course am gonna feel pretty rough and lonely but not really anything I can do immediately to fix that just gotta keep getting by for now.

 

so it's friday now, been 6 days since my last post. I've just been going day to day. Have an assignment due on monday and working this weekend so thats fun, gonna have to stay up late again and probably get a shit grade again cause truly I have just lost any and all determination and motivation and sense of purpose about what it was I was tryna do for myself. But its just a cyclical issue cause truly I have no one to blame but myself but here I am still repeating the same shit routines and excuses in my head thinking one day i'll be better off for it. I really don't know where I get off thinking I'm better than my peers when all i do is sit in my room and mope about any ounce of free time I have, I find it difficult to concentrate these days. I bought some books on buddhism and hope to read them soon, hope to find some sense of myself again, some kind of peace.

 

Thanks for the support man.
Been working last couple of days and have assignment due tomorrow which is fun. Gonna have to miraculous do that tonight somehow.

Need to try make up my lack of sleep only been getting 4-5 hr nights rest.
Planning to go gym tomorrow though. And going to these mediation sessions. Been forcing myself to get back into reading even if it's just a few pages ATM. Tried out a vegan restaurant today that I've been meaning to go to for a while.. was pretty damn good, not having to ask if I could eat something felt pretty funny.. They also played pretty good music. Still smoking quite a bit, think I had a dream about it last night actually someone was being operated and their lungs were in a bag and shit was all black I hate doing it and TBF I think I only started it in spite of my peers at the time. I've got hope for the future again though which I haven't felt in a fair while

 

Was meant to make a post yesterday but I went to the gym last couple days and got in a few good work outs. Just realised how shit this whole thing is and how shit it makes u feel, I've had a bit to drink but I just hope my sober self realises I'm fighting a genuine evil here I came out of this hell hole once and time to do it again. No more questions no more fantasies. Just believe me. It's not ever worth it.

 

Have noticed am in such a low mood lately this week without any reason I know this is one of the symptoms like flat lining it just feels awful. I have no reason to feel this way I've passed my theory things are on the up universities going good I haven't touched a cigarette in almost two weeks regularly going to gym eating well taking my medication I still just feel so rough and lethargic and just a bit dreary. I guess there isn't really much I can do except try to ride out the storm.

 

I really want to die right now I've made suicidal posts before I lost my mother to suicide when I was like 14-15 and I think that really skewed my perception of the world and humanity that this was a reality. I really don't enjoy living right now and I've understood that part of the fundamentals of life is suffering, not for everyone because some people are able to engineer and manufacturer their life in such a way that they avoid all suffering they can but for those that can't bare it there truly isn't a way our other than suicide. Although most of these decisions happen when one is inebriated or not 100% of mind and clarity it still makes me wonder why exactly such small inconveniences need to happen that cause such tremendous suffering. I think I am just not where I want to be at all, just not 100% sure what I want to be or how I get to where I want to be (;

 

Hey man thanks for the message, I'm all good, I think I was a little drunk when I wrote that. I don't think I've ever really come to terms with how I feel like deep inside but these are all just processes and hopefully I'm able to heal eventually. Just finished going gym tonight doing ok, I bought another pack of cigarettes after almost two weeks and they aren't anything like I thought they'd be, Even after 3-4 smokes for the day I feel so worse of for it, it really is just such a small temporary relief, definitely more of a comfort of thing out of habit than anything Else. Gonna try give the start of this week another good shot at cutting out all the had habits, just gotta keep reminding myself it's never worth going back just try and move Forward for now.

 

Has been a while since I checked in, have been doing ok in terms of the streak I relapsed a couple times but have been working this week and gone to the gym a couple times. Trying to make small changes. I'm on my ninth lesson of driving and hoping to take my test soon. My back kills cause I was out working on the garden the other day doing a fair bit of heavy lifting. It's nice the suns come out so hopefully it's better weather these next few months. Not much else has been going on still just determined to make the changes I need, try and set my life back on track again. Applied for different jobs think it'll do me good to learn something new and change my surroundings.