Desensitizing Husband?

My husband has been practicing sobriety since Dday the end of Aug, but is sadly starting to resent my pain. (Pain for me is still pretty much daily with almost daily triggers for me because of the betrayal and the vast, vast amounts of things/people he acted out on. Nothing seems safe.) He used to be warm and understanding after realizing how much he hurt me (especially after reading a few betrayal books). I felt we were truly beginning to create something new, open, and a better partnership because of it. I started to have hope. Now he has started turning towards feelings of coldness and resentment. He is tired of me having a hard time trusting him. He is annoyed when I feel the need to check on him when he is gone too long to see what he’s doing when he says he isn’t doing anything bad. I’m not on his case 24/7, I don’t yell and scream at him. I tell him I appreciate when he talks to his therapists, talks to APs, and goes to his classes. Though when I tell him I’m having a hard time with a trigger, I feel like he’s desensitized to it now. Like, oh great, another one. Instead of I’m sorry honey, I hate how this makes you feel, can I hold you Etc. To make sure he isn’t in the dark about what I need from him, I’ve told him that giving me some reassurance when triggering things come up can help immensely to pull me back from the gaping hole. Maybe 5 out of 10 times he will when it used to be 10 out of 10. He was working hard and being so vulnerable/reassuring when he learned about betrayal trauma, but now has started getting annoyed since that the mood/reminder of how much he hurt me has faded. He admits feeling resentment and having a hard time continuing to be empathetic. I should mention that in all aspects of his life he has had issues with empathy. He does not tend to think of other people’s feelings before his own and he has admitted it. This selfishness on his part made him easily slip into relapse after about a decade when difficult things with his job started occurring. (Feelings of “I’m a grown man, why not? What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Who cares I’m an adult, I can do what I want.”).

I guess my question would be, is a PA’s resentment/annoyance a part of the recovery process? A stage? Will it get better? Has there been victory after something like this? Am I doomed to remain with a man who is capable of only temporary empathy? It makes everything all the more painful and of course gets my fear up even if he isn’t acting out - which keeps the cycle of annoyance for him going.

It’s been a hard week. I feel like I’m finally realizing that I don’t/didn’t know him. I love the guy I thought I married and now I’m trying my best to love all of him, which is proving to be difficult when he puts his frustrations from consequences of his past choices out on to me. I’ve been trying to work through my own pain (classes,therapists,etc) but he keeps breaking my heart with how cold he’s being. I admit I am hyper aware of his emotions. He does not have a good poker face. I don’t know how to not let his moods affect me and I really wish I could. I wish I could be strong like some of the other ladies on here. Ever since DDay, with one annoyed sigh I feel he can crumple me in a minute. I hate it.

 

I cannot thank you all enough for talking me off the ledge on this one. I was feeling really hopeless, and your words were so reassuring and validating. It’s such a lonely, worthless feeling and good to know that it is normal in this process and is able to pass.

Yesterday I had to get out of the house and drove and drove and ended up in the mountains. It was good to get into nature and privately cry/scream/mourn the man I thought I knew.

@Reverent Your reassurance came at the perfect time to help my broken confusion. It was comforting to know that this issue is one that could pass. When you are in a hopeless moment like that, it seems like it will never pass.

@used19 He read Worthy of Your Trust and was so good and understanding for a few weeks after. I was so hopeful! He was amazing! Then as time went on, he started the ping ponging of comfort and annoyance. He would tell me he would work on things, and then forget or just not when his mood changed. We just downloaded Love You Hate the Porn, and will hopefully start reading it together. Thank you for your good recommendations! I hope there is a way he can develop that true lasting empathy.

@DefendMyHeart When I look up the traits, there are so many that my husband has. Some are not really him, but a lot are. It definitely worries me because I’ve been told that Narcissistic people cannot change or at least it will take a miracle. He gets annoyed with me at the drop of a hat. Just now he got annoyed with me that I didn’t answer him fast enough. (I had taken a big sip of tea right when he asked the question and he was behind me and didn’t see) I’m not very good with fancy vocabulary and he steamrolls me with his and interrupts when I’m trying to explain things and accidentally use the incorrect word. He stops my train of thought to point it out or to tell me that I’m yelling. I really am not yelling...He thinks talking with passion/being upset is yelling. He has a lot of internal anger. A lot of past passive aggressive family trauma that he didn’t realize was trauma back then. Women being below Men issues (stemming from family). His therapist said he is going to be working on that. He is apologetic and extremely affectionate one minute and massively distant the next.

@RDucky This is a great analogy. My husband seems to think better with examples like that so I am keeping this one handy. He has taken responsibility but I don’t think he’s actually *Taken Responsibility*. He knows he has injured the marriage, but I don’t think he understands the magnitude of what he did or the magnitude of what he did to me.

@stegiss Your post is reassuring. It gave me comfort to be heard and validated by someone who has walked what my husband is walking. And yes almost no one in RL knows about this. Not even my closest friend... which is basically another way to protect me and to protect him. Your post gives me hope and I truly hope the things you say will come.

Thank you all for responding. You rise up when us SO’s are really hurting.

 

Thank you for offering... I will definitely keep this in mind. I don’t think he sees it yet though. The more I look into it, he isn’t fully a narcissist, but he does have several strong traits of being one. He is 99% a gaslighter and has been one for so long and is still in denial. He hits everything on the gaslighting list. He’s argued about accepting the DARVO concept and tries to disprove it. He comes up with the perfect excuse of bringing the conversation back to me when it gets uncomfortable towards him and even though I know about DARVO, I still get flustered! He’s very good with words and making himself feel in control - and me inadequate. He will love bomb me and get distant/angry in the same hour sometimes.

Currently, he is concentrating on the things I am doing wrong instead of concentrating on how to help his mind heal. I see him typing away about it.

And for the first time since DDay, he said he almost ‘fished’ on an ad (not skimpy) of a video game yesterday without realizing it at first. When he usually closes them out quickly, he subconsciously lingered on this one to maybe see if it would turn into something more. He says he closed it out right away when his mind caught up with what he might be doing. I told him that might be his addict brain going through withdrawals and trying to get some pleasure ping back. Maybe?

The days can be so different. It’s hard to keep up.