Depression of a high school graduate...

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by WhyNotStop, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. WhyNotStop

    WhyNotStop Fapstronaut

    To start things off I have never been suicidal so that's not the case here. I instead feel empty and lost in life.

    I just came back from a four day college tour trip which ended with going to a large theme park along with over 70 of my best friends. I just graduated high school on May 31 so this was kinda a last minute trip. I had lots of fun and got the opportunity to learn about the colleges which I would like to go to. I also had a sexual interaction in which me and a female had a little fun on the bus (Nothing too sexual, we are not in a relationship). Now I tend to be an asshole to certain people in my life (especially women) and I'm not sure if this is an auto-defense system I have developed, Since I was bullied a lot in middle school. This has driven many of my friends away from me and I've felt some hatred from those friends during this trip which I took very hard on myself blaming myself for being this way and wondering if I'll ever have any real friends. Now the thing is I know these people are legit friends by I feel like my personality is defective, as if my addiction to porn has ruined the world around me for good. I know I'm a talented, bright young man but for some reason even though I had the time of my life on this trip post-fun depression is telling me I am worth less. These friends will soon be exiting my life as we all go off to college. The problem is I feel as if they will leave a void as I never got to be the person which I always wanted seem to them. I know I will start meeting new people in college but I feel as if history will repeat itself. I've left religion (Christianity) behind me and right now I fighting to find who I am, I know what I want to study but I feel lost as I don't think I really know who I really am. This void is hurting me and I don't want to turn to porn to temporarily relieve that pain. I feel these friends which I known for over 4 years are the center of who I am. Has anyone else felt like this? Is this normal for a high school graduate to feel?
     
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  2. ButchDragon

    ButchDragon Fapstronaut

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    Well, I definitely didn't have as successful a social life as you did in High School, but yeah, when I left, I got a sinking feeling that I would probably never see my friends from High School again, and that hit me pretty hard. If I could recommend doing something that I didn't, it'd be to try to keep contact with as many of them as possible.

    But at the same time, it's important to recognize that you're still you no matter who is around you. It's absolutely fine to have the people around you be an important part of your life, but they shouldn't be your life, if you get what I mean. It's imperative to have a sense of self-identity, but that's the sort of thing that takes time to build up. Don't worry about not having it done yet, just so long as you're working to find who you are, you'll get there soon enough.

    It's also important to remember that the past is the past. You may feel as though you never got to be the person you wanted to be to many of your friends, but unless you can keep contact with them and keep trying, it may just be best to accept what never came to be, and aim to be that person to someone new in the future. As someone who has let the past torture him for the majority of his life, let me tell you, that never made anything better. Let your past mistakes inform your decisions in the now, but aside from that, don't feel the need to hold onto them.

    One thing I can totally relate on is leaving behind my religion, which for a while, left a void that was hard to fill. Though, after about two years, I can at least tell you that most of it gets easier. And if you keep searching, you will find something to replace it. Granted, you'll probably be faced with a great many religious conversations via family members, just as I am, but even that gets easier. One thing I can say is: Keep your mind open to new ideas, and you'll find that the transition isn't all that hard.

    Finally, I just want to touch on a point I made earlier that's especially important. If you want to avoid history repeating itself, then you need to be aware of your history. Remember what happened when you treated people a certain way, and how they reacted. Keeping this in mind will help you adjust your behavior in the future to avoid such things happening again.

    But you also need to forgive yourself for your short comings. We say this all the time, so it seems to have lost its meaning, but it bears repeating anyway: Nobody is perfect. You may have made mistakes in the past, but they don't have to define you, and they don't have to control you. Remember your past mistakes only in such a fashion that doing so will help you build a brighter future, but aside from that, allow yourself to move on. We all need to make mistakes to grow, and you're not a lesser person just because you made a few yourself.

    Remember, you can beat this, and if you need support, we're here to help. Good luck, man!
     

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