To start things off I have never been suicidal so that's not the case here. I instead feel empty and lost in life. I just came back from a four day college tour trip which ended with going to a large theme park along with over 70 of my best friends. I just graduated high school on May 31 so this was kinda a last minute trip. I had lots of fun and got the opportunity to learn about the colleges which I would like to go to. I also had a sexual interaction in which me and a female had a little fun on the bus (Nothing too sexual, we are not in a relationship). Now I tend to be an asshole to certain people in my life (especially women) and I'm not sure if this is an auto-defense system I have developed, Since I was bullied a lot in middle school. This has driven many of my friends away from me and I've felt some hatred from those friends during this trip which I took very hard on myself blaming myself for being this way and wondering if I'll ever have any real friends. Now the thing is I know these people are legit friends by I feel like my personality is defective, as if my addiction to porn has ruined the world around me for good. I know I'm a talented, bright young man but for some reason even though I had the time of my life on this trip post-fun depression is telling me I am worth less. These friends will soon be exiting my life as we all go off to college. The problem is I feel as if they will leave a void as I never got to be the person which I always wanted seem to them. I know I will start meeting new people in college but I feel as if history will repeat itself. I've left religion (Christianity) behind me and right now I fighting to find who I am, I know what I want to study but I feel lost as I don't think I really know who I really am. This void is hurting me and I don't want to turn to porn to temporarily relieve that pain. I feel these friends which I known for over 4 years are the center of who I am. Has anyone else felt like this? Is this normal for a high school graduate to feel?