Hi there, I'm new to this forum. My name is Calvin and i'm 22 years old. For the past I would say 8 years or so I have been depressed. I have turned to addictions like gaming and fapping to porn. All I did in my teens was going to school, playing videogames and than fapping to porn to be able to sleep. I required weirder and weirder pornography which I feel ashamed off. Also my erections were like half, I didn't get fully erect anymore it was 'just larger and enough to masturbate/ejaculate. I never had sexual intercourse with a female or had the desire to. So that was my daily routine until recently (September 2018). I tried to quit fapping before, but it only lasted like 2 weeks most of the time. But in now I have been free porn for like almost 4 months. I masturbated maybe 5 times but like 3 times without porn and 2 times to see if I 'could get fully erect' again. So I met a girl abroad like 3 months ago, I liked her as a person but she was also very beautiful. The same day that I met her, I went with her to bed to only to notice I couldn't get an erection at all, not even a half erection. I also drank a lot that night, so I blamed it on that to her. So I went back home and I actually was in love for the first time ever in those 8 years. I couldn't stop thinking about her and felt so bad what happened. I wanted to know her better and have actual sex. So I started talking to psychologist about this and my depression. So he actually concluded I have had a porn addiction and i'm depressed which is the cause I can get an erection or have sexual desire. 2 months later I was still talking to this girl even though my love feeling was gone but still like her a lot, she wanted to come visit me In January for 3 days. So I thought I'm in love with her I cant let this chance pass by. So I started eating really healthy, doing cardio, weight training. I started talking to more people and doing more fun things. I started reading self help books about talking to people, because i'm also really shy and didn't talk a lot. So 2 weeks before she came I noticed my body hadn't recovered yet. Even though I started get wet dreams like multiple days in a row, which I had never had before. So there was a guy at work one day which pulled out sildenafil citrate pills and was joking about it like 'do you need it?'. He didn't know about my situation at all, only about that I was going to see a girl for 3 days soon. I actually wanted it but I was afraid to say yes. So 1 week later I was getting really nervous it was still not working. So I called him and asked if I could get the pills. So I got them, I tried a quarter out to see if it worked. It did with watching porn. For the first time in like 5 years I had a 'full hard erection'. I was confident again. So she arrived and the first evening we drank some champagne which led us to going to bed. took a pill to early like 3-4 before we had sex. Because obviously I didn't tell about the use of those pills. We kissed for like hours, I had 0 feelings and I only got a semi-flaccid penis. I again told her an excuse: I was nervous which I actually was since I still was a virgin. So I said tomorrow we try again. So the next day I took the pill again but this time 2 hours before it. Same thing happened but this time I got the erect penis enough to have sex but not to be confident with. She asked me what is wrong. I said it just me and something that I have a depression and stuff I was vague about it again. So the last day we got back to the hotel and she said something that she likes showering together. So I was really shy to do it, but I did consider it. So she went to shower, I took another pill. I waited a bit and finally entered the shower. We were kissing and stuff and fingered her. I got an full erection few times but it lasted like seconds. She already cummed from the kissing/fingering and stuff. I was thinking all time I cant just go back home without having had sex with her. So in the heat of the moment when I got a semi-erection I fucked her. It was unprotected sex, because I was afraid to lose my erection again. I did cum, but had no feeling with it or was happy. So she went back home and me too. I feel so depressed right now even more than before. I lost my virginity but it was not a fun/happy moment at all. It didn't really feel like sex, I had no feelings at all. I feel like an emotionless robot now. There literally 0 things that make me happy and just want to kill myself. I thought a female/girlfriend could make a difference in my life but it didn't. I told my story to the psychologist and he said I need psychiatrist and specialized help. I have 0 motivation to do things and 0 libido. I just turned to my old habit of gaming all day. I still didn't turn to porn though. So maybe there are guys here that were in the same boat and could help me. I really need some motivation. The girl is still talking to me even after all this. She is rich/has a good job/ beautiful and still wants to see me again and I'm a student with no job. I told her I took medication 3 months ago for my depression but I still experience ED from it, which is a lie. I really want to love her and have sex drive but I just cant. It is not her it would happen with any woman.
It’s clear that you’ve got PIED ( Porn induces erectile dysfunction). I was once in the same position that you were in, with some girl I had feelings for. Every time I was with her, I couldn’t get it up, the only thing I could get was head, which sucked. Made me super depressed. But I had to tell myself, the only way I’ll be able to get it up in the future, is if I go on this pmo journey. So that’s what I did. I had to cut her off, sacrifice and now I’m able to get super hard. Take the sacrifice bro, abstain for at least 90 days and I guarantee you’ll see improvements with your libido. It’s hard I know, but there’s no point having sex that isn’t satisfying, that will just make you even more depressed than you already are.
Thnx I just hope that is it and I hope 90 days will be enough. Since already did quit porn mostly for almost 4 months and not a lot has changed, my libido actually got worse. I think I'm in the flatline.
90 days isn't going to be enough bro. PIED that bad, to the point of not being able to get an erection with a real life girl, which you should, involves brain rewiring that requires a year or two to heal.
Relax, dude and chill. I too suffer from ED and complete loss of libido. I am 23. Recently I have been viewing and masturbating to porn excessively to the point where I developed a depressive episode ( a real serious ones during which I considered ending my life). Yes, porn addiction can lead to this and much worse. But the thing is that I am fully confident that whatever takes time to "break" also takes time to "heal". Think about it this way. How much time of watching porn and jerking off has it taken u to developed ED? The answer is ofc years. It would only be logical then to assume that it will take you years to fully heal and recover from this. Just try your best to abstain and refrain from porn and fapping. Run a blood test for vitamins deficiency. Try to get yourself some vitamin supplements such as, vitamin D (which could cause depression as well as loss of libido) omega 3, fish oil and why not adopt a vegan life style. I heard it helps the brain rewire and recover from addiction. And please do join a gym and alter your diet. Last but not least, sleep is your friend. Try to sleep at least 8 hours a day. With this formula, trust me, mate, you are gonna see progress starting the first month. I am already on day 32 of NoFap and have noticed some slight changes. For instance, when I was depressed I wouldn't even feel any sort of sexual drive, ever. But now at least when I see a girl in the gym I feel like scrutinising her booty, tho I still can't get a boner yet. At least I have noticed this slight change with only 32 days on NoFap. Imagine what a fully year could yield, let alone 2 or 3 years. "Not giving up" Much love, bro
