Dealing

So, it seems strange to even be writing this... hardly any time has passed since I wrote last, but I'm feeling so much more hopeful. I do feel like there is a dark cloud hanging on the horizon, that at any moment is going to cloud over me and ruin my whole day. My husband and I have been talking at length, and he seems to be really committed to making things work. He seems so devoted to me, and says the sweetest things, although there is a big part of me that worries he is only telling me what he knows I want to hear. Again, that trust thing is so tricky. He's gotten on NoFap and he got an AP, and is talking with some people about his struggles. I'm happy that he's making the effort. I also worry too that now that things are going better for us that he's going to give in again, because this is what happened the first time. We got into a small argument tonight about complacency. I just don't want him to stop trying to fix himself or his issues. He was really down for the first few days after no PM, and he seems to have picked himself back up. I did tell him that I have a hard time talking to him when he's so down, and since I told him that he hasn't had a day like that. We've been talking like normal, about family, work etc, and it feels nice to be normal again, but then I see that dark cloud again and I feel like I can't just forgive him or ignore it. Our baby girl is coming on the 17th, and he will be here 2 days before she arrives. He's on the East coast and I'm on the West. I'm excited and nervous about seeing him, as we haven't seen each other in a month, (dday). He's asked about whether or not we are going to have sex. There's a big part of me that wants to because A) it's been a month and B) I have to go another 6-8 weeks without it. <yikes> But I worry too about the feelings that could come out of me--worrying about what he's thinking about or WHO he's thinking about. He's told me he never thinks of P when he's with me, but is that really true?? Am I supposed to abstain from sex altogether while he's rebooting? And will having sex cause him to relapse?A lot can happen in the next week before he gets here, so it's hard to decide RIGHT NOW if I'm even going to WANT to have sex with him when he gets here. So many thoughts running through my brain... I'm trying to focus more on my kids, and it's been a lot easier to do so, especially since he has been a lot better about not dragging me into his problems as much. He is such a good man, and I love him so very much.... I'm just so hurt and disappointed that this is really who is. Then I wonder WHO he really is. The same man I know and love? Or someone else? I don't even know anymore