So, I'm very new here everyone. Please bare with me. I have always had an addictive personality. Thankfully, I never got into hard drugs, well, except for alcohol, that is. Just know that I quit drinking about two years ago, so I KNOW I have the will power to conquer addictions/negative habits. Anyway, I give that info as some background about myself, and how/why I found myself on NoFap. Here's where I'm at at this point ... I decided to give up PMO to help with my sex drive/libido in my marriage. I have realized that my low sex drive toward my wife (I'm 35 years old, been MO'ing since about 12 or 13) is due to my self-pleasuring. I am now trying to nip that in the bud. So far, I have noticed that since giving up MO'ing, my drive has definitely gone up. But the problem is this ... how do I deal with this given that I'm married, and my wife won't necessarily want to have sex every time I have the urge? I was doing really well recently, haven't MO for about a week and a half, but I was still being with my wife. Probably about three or four times since my last MO. Last night, I found myself really in the mood, but my wife definitely was not. I love my wife and would never want to coerce her into anything, so I told her I understood and just "sat" with my feelings. Proud to say I didn't MO. Still, it proved very difficult. (I tried the cold shower thing. God, I don't know how you guys do that. I felt like a huge baby. Didn't last long at all in there). Does anyone have advice about how to deal with this whole "addictive" thing while still having a healthy marriage? I definitely don't want to do hard mode, since I still want to have sex with my wife. But I do want to start viewing sex in a different way as opposed to the way I felt about the physical activity in the past. Thanks for listening! Just reading/posting on this forum seems to have helped me so far.
I think sitting with your feelings and doing every single thing you just did will help and it will get easier. You have been using PMO to squash those feelings so now its time to enjoy them . Do you meditate? My husband would sometimes imagine his sexual energy travelling up from his groin into his head and use the energy to do something productive. Apparently this is practiced in many cultures. Can you talk to your wife about it? Maybe if sex was 'scheduled' or there was a mutually agreed upon amount per week then it would help? How long into reboot are you? My husbands urges in the beginning were pretty high but they subsided after a month or two (can't quite recall now).
Thanks Limeaid. Yes, I've tried meditating in the past. It does seem to work, but the problem is I never seem to stick with it. I'm starting to realize that these urges I get will, in fact, pass with time, and that it's my "dwelling" on the urges that's really causing the suffering, NOT the urges themselves. My brain now knows that, but sometimes it takes time for other parts of my body to catch up I'm starting to read about Taoism, etc., and how to redirect sexual energy. I think it's helping me on this journey. Communication has gotten better between my wife and myself. We talk to a professional, which is helpful. And we've gotten much better at discussing things with each other. But there were other problems that have plagued us. Basically, it was the like the perfect storm between us since we're each dealing with issues, (i.e. my 'lack of real sexual experience' before marriage, with PMO being my only real experience, and her overcoming issues relating to childhood sexual trauma). That said, it's been a long and difficult road toward both individual and couple's healing, if you know what I mean. Still, we're on a good track and I'm realizing just how much of my issues that I brought to the table contributed to our problematic scenario ... hence why I'm doing something about it NOW. As for how long ... basically, I haven't PMO or MO for almost two weeks now. I'm reading on here that that's definitely the hardest part of the process. Like I said, though, we were physically together three or four times in that period, so until last night I didn't really experience much discomfort. I'll get through it though ... I'm finally in the mindset to make that happen.
Once you get to 4 weeks it'll let up. Think of other things and stay busy if possible. Does she know you have given up PMO and MO? I told me wife I have been saving myself for her between our love making sessions, that turns her on, maybe try that as well. Your love making should really improve as well, and she should notice, assuming she is Oing as well.
Hopefully you're right. I guess it will get better with time. Yeah, I told my wife that I quit MO'ing and have been saving myself only for her. Not sure if it's a turn on, though, since she didn't seem to state as much or insinuate it. I definitely have MUCH more of a desire to be with her physically, which I imagine is normal.
