Dealing with mental illness

Thank you whoever decides to read this. I am here on my darkest day. I relapsed after 13 days clean yesterday. The girl I am crushing on left the hospital I am in and I couldn't find anything to motivate me when she is gone.

I am struggling with obsessive compulsive thinking, hallucinations, I see dead people flashing before my eyes. Lots of twisted thinking. I escaped the hospital today thinking that they where torturing me because they forgot my painkillers. I was on the run from them for 4 hours before the ambulance picked me up.

I was contemplating suicide by jumping into traffic. I didn't want them to catch me. But they did. I dont trust them. They seem evil. They are forcing me to take medicines and close me into a small room. My brain hurts. The medicines are blocking my thinking.

I think they want to hurt me.

I know deep down that most of this isn't true but I cant help it. They wont leave me alone for even 10 seconds. If I do anything suspicious they are attacking me.

 

I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Its all just a mess. I have pretty severe OCD. PTSD and am being screened for Borderline Personality Disorder. They didn't find any place to put me so it is Schizoaffective disorder for now. Not sure about what is what. The voices isn't bothering me as much as all the violent thoughts I am having. I can find myself having flashes of seeing myself in the middle of a huge accident. Its not really hallucinations because I am not present at all. I can forget where I am while it happens and wake up a completely different place 10 minutes after.

What bothers me the most is how I can like someone one moment and the next moment I hate them for no particular reason. I just dont trust them and think they are up to no good. If someone says something I take as criticizing then I'm heading straight for the closest window.

Right now I hate pretty much everyone here at the hospital. They are torturing me. It feels like my mind is going to explode. I am turning mad. I cant take it anymore. Every word they say hurts deep inside my soul. Its like poison.

 

@Max666 even if I was you shouldnt be so quick to judge. I have been hospitalised for 8 months straight and been ill for the last 7 years or so. It is hard to put things into words. Forgive me my rants. I dont know where else to put it.

 

Thanks for reading I find it easier to stay clean when I can communicate with real women. With this particular girl I like to just sit around talking so I forget about the whole PMO thing for a little while. When she left I just went right back into depression and old thought patterns. She didn't leave for good but she wont be back in another month or so.

One part of me wants to trust the doctors but at the same time I just cant I know that they cant possibly want to hurt me but then they say something stupid and I freak out. I am constantly on edge. I look for confirmations that they hate me, conspire against me etc and I find it. Then I am stuck for days thinking violent thoughts about everyone and everything.

 

Just reading and commenting helps Thanks for posting.

 

Thanks. I dont feel ready for a relationship. I feel bad because I havent contacted her. Maybe she thinks I dont like her. I know she likes me a lot and I want to invite her out but im so afraid of really making a mess.

 

I am probably going a little far posting this but I really didnt want to go back to the place I where at. I overdosed on pills and alcohol today. Kind of. Suicide attempt but more a scream for help. People knocked at my door and I hoped for they to find me there having a really bad day. They gave up and I got a little nervous if I was going to survive. So in the end I called the ambulance myself. Turned out I had taken a little too much and it was quite uncomofortable having it all sucked out again with a tube. Now I am safe at least. I can relax more at the ER. Much more monitoring and people seem generally nicer.

 

@engelman thanks. I feel like I can relate. Its really hard to put a correct diagnosis on people. I think I have all the symptoms of scizophrenia and BPD but you cant have both at once. Its a lot of overlap too. Easy to get the wrong diagnosis if you cant communicate. I am not sure if schizophrenia is correct in my case. BPD seems more right but its such a tricky one to spot. Especially since I dont trust people enough to tell them whats on my mind. I got transferred from the ER to the emergency psych unit today. Not sure how long they are going to keep me. I kinda feel fine but I guess it is just right now. Im still not sober. Its a forced hospitalisation for the first 24 hours. Probably getting extended to 10 days tomorrow which is the longest they can keep me against my will. They locked up all my stuff and are constantly monitoring me. My door can only be locked from the outside and it looks like I am the only patient

 

I got another 24 hours of forced hospitalisation today. They told me that I have the right to complain etc and that we will have another talk tomorrow. I didnt say much. Didnt know what to say really. It is super quiet here. I only got my phone. My charger is locked up which sucks. I dont hear voices that often but since it is so quiet here I can hear them more than usual. Lots of grafitti on the walls. One guy left a suicide note on the wall back in 2016. Reminds me of some sort of high security prison. I have been here before. It feels so surrealistic to be back here once again.

 

They let me go today actually after about 3 days in the high security unit. They put me in a cab with a body guard and we drove for about 1 hour back to the hospital I am usually at. Everyone here seems on edge. My psychologist was crying. Not sure how I feel about coming back. I got nothing to say in their meeting. They was just asking if I feel safe and to tell them if I feel worse. And that they are going to check in on me quite often the first few days.