Dealing with "dry spells" in a relationship

Hahaha... I've heard that before.

Women are designed to drive us crazy. I wish there was a simply answer to your question. There are so many things that could be going on in your relationship and they are all likely possibilities. And... it will probably be a combination of them. Let me list some of them...

• Your girlfriend could simply not want as frequent sex as you
• Your girlfriend could be upset about something and for some reason doesn't feel comfortable sharing it with you
• Your girlfriend could be having physical problems (time of the month, infection)
• Your girlfriend could be having self confidence issues (maybe she is feeling "ugly")
• Your girlfriend might subconsciously not feel "loved" by you, and thus, you don't get her in the mood
• Your girlfriend might not like you anymore or might not find you attractive anymore
• Your breath might smell
• Sex might hurt your girlfriend
• You might suck at sex
• ... the list goes on

So... the only way out of this male hell hole, is to talk to her. I have no friggin clue how to talk to her without making her feel "pressured". Maybe some of the ladies on NoFap can give you some tips.

Good luck! You are not alone! (I've been married for 10 years)

 

I agree the only way to deal with this is to talk to her about it. You'll have to think carefully about how you address it so it doesn't come across as pressure, but it's REALLY important -- for both of you -- that you get this out in the open as soon as possible. Not only is this the most likely path to getting an answer to the question you really need to have answered before you get any more serious with her (which, as JustADude anticipates, might not be one you're particularly happy with), but it is an important step towards the kind of open communication that is the foundation of any completely healthy relationship.

 

It's good that you're already realizing there are other things going on here that might explain her apparently diminished sex drive. But you still should talk to her -- being smart about it, of course -- about it. If this is just a temporary thing, so be it. You'll be back to multiple times a day in no time. But if this is a genuine mismatch in sex drives, that's something the two of you need to address and resolve, one way or the other.

You should spend some time thinking honestly about what you need. (Need....not want. There's a difference). Even if the current situation is just an anomaly, there are going to be plenty of times in your life together when things don't work out the way you want them to. Career issues, kids, travel, illness. It's inevitable. So, you're going to have to work on your coping skills even if you end up being a match (or figuring out how to work through your mismatch) in terms of sex drive.

 

This is still passive aggressive. You might have good communication skills, but why would you live in torment or missery or what ever instead of just bringing it up TODAY. If you don't talk, she wont know. If she doesn't talk, you wont know.

 

It is all a matter of approach. Approach it as you are trying to make sure she is okay. Look at it from her point of view. Offer that you used to do it all the time and you are wondering what changed that you feel she doesn't want to anymore. Be sensitive about it, but you have to talk about it. Start with it being about her, your concerned for her. Then you can go into how you feel once you have heard how she feels and introduced the discussion.

 

I am going to give you an off the wall response that is totally different than the direction the current conversation is going and really, it's just food for thought.

I am no relationship expert. I have no psychology or sociology experience. I do study and apply real world social dynamics. The social dynamics I have studied and applied have yielded consistent cause and effect scenarios that relate directly with what I have been taught.

First, let's establish something. Sex, is a market. This is how we have to look at it to remain unbiased and objective. The market has two goods:
g1 = you; g2 = your partner. Now we assign g1 and g2 values.

Value is a compilation of variables that include, appearance, income, personality, abundance, ect.

In the market, the person of high value assumes the role of the buyer while the person of low value assumes the role of the seller. Think about it this way: not every athlete has to work for sponsorship. If the best NBA player walked into a meeting with Adidas, Adidas would be selling the sponsorship to him because he would be that valuable to their company. The worst NBA player would have to sell himself to Adidas for a sponsorship. You see the analogy?

So when you want sex more than your girlfriend, you've become low value to her. When she wants sex with you, you've become high value to her. When you don't want sex with her, you perceive her as low value. The more you understand about value, the more you'll see this is the real world. And just so you know I'm giving you a really poor, short explanation that really doesn't do social dynamics justice.

Then we have attraction. Your value is going to be the base for your attraction followed by your ability to manage a social situation so that it facilitates sexual tension.

Comfort. Comfort is associated with attraction and is basically self explanatory. If a girl is dating you and sleep next to you, you ought to be sound on comfort.

Isolation is simply are you alone, once again associated with comfort. Some girls want to give you a bj in a public bathroom... I don't know... but some of them are like that, right?

So we have a simple equation here: value + attraction + comfort + isolation = sex.

Now let's talk about what happens in relationships that causes your girlfriend to loose attraction to you and reduce your perceived value. Simply but, if the woman determines that you are a suitable long term partner, where you can provide resources for her and potential children, and relatively stable household, if you are not already one, she will begin to turn you into a beta male provider. It's ok man, it happens to all of us at least once.

Let's look at the pointers I got in your original post:
1. You've been dating for 6 months and you are thinking about moving in together.

• Who is going to pay the rent?
• Who is going to clean?
• Are you going to divide responsibilities?
• Are you about to start financially supporting this woman?
• WTF!!! It's only been six months man! I bet you're the one who brought up her moving in, didn't you?

2. She is fine with you watching porn.

• She is fine with her man being passive and having no libido.
• She is fine with her man fantasizing about sex with other women.

I'm going to take a minute to point out that this woman is most likely very insecure and isn't worth s***.

Now, let me prove you with two solutions:
1) Dump her, not because of the sex thing, but because of her apparent lack of virtue and her wanting to turn you into a passive shell of a man. Get ripped. Drastically improve your financial situation. Approach lots of women to develop awesome social skills. Then, when you're ready, choose a woman whose worth your time. But, since you're blinded by p***y I have to give you option 2.
2) Improve your value.

• Start working out. If you already do, take it to the next level.
• Take up something that will help you socialize with more women. Personally, I think ballroom dancing is great. Do this alone. It has to be something subtle, and useful, not like going to the club. You're not trying to get laid, but you have to remember she isn't the only woman in the world.
• End that moving in together conversation immediately.
• If you're paying for any of her stuff, you need to figure out how to reduce that down to nothing as fast as possible. Gifts earn gifts, and good behavior earns gifts. Nothing is free. If she cleans up your place one day, take her out someplace she likes.
• Become awesome at your job. Put in overtime, stay focused, join new teams, meet more people, if you want to change something, really work to change it. This will yield promotions, raises, bonuses.

There are also a few ideas you need to implant in your head. Repeat them over and over and brainwash yourself to believe they are true:

Women want sex more than men.
A man channels as much of his energy in to his creation (work+creativity). The woman gets his remaining energy.
Sex is not intercourse. Sex begins at the start of the day.
You need to build attraction at the start of the day and as it gains momentum, don't give in, lead her on and be creative with it.

If you are to do solution 2, two things can happen. Either your girlfriend will respond positively to you acting like a man and not begging her for sex, and her attraction to you will skyrocket or she'll become very insecure and attempt to make you passive/beta, generally through complements. If complements don't work she'll begin to act out in what appears to be irrational behavior/act depressed in order to bring you down.

Complements to make you passive include: "Don't go to the gym, you're fine the way you are. Stay here with me"... you get the picture.

If she does not respond well to you actually behaving like a man, she is not worth the effort.

Damn, that was a long post. I hope we can save him guys....

 

Jebus that was long. First I want to say I totally agree with a lot of what you say, HOWEVER, I don't like your market analogy. People are not goods to be bought and purchased. That being said, i kinda agree with you, any girl that is okay with a guy watching porn, when the guy is trying to quit isn't really worth your time. That being said, it goes both ways, Guys shouldn't be okay with girls watching porn. Porn is fake. Porn is the same thing as looking at a banana and saying that is hot and getting off to it. It isn't a real thing, its artificial stimulation.

I think he hits it in a very blunt manner that yes you should evaluate your relationship. Personally, I follow Christian virtues and morals, so I don't believe in moving in before marriage. When you do that, you are basically saying I don't have faith in our relationship enough to make it official (legally), but yet I want to give it a shot. It is a way to "commit" to a "marriage" lifestyle without legal implications if things go ary.

Essentially, my input is you should evaluate your relationship. If she is okay with you watching porn, what is to say she isn't watching porn to? What is to say she wont cheat on you? To me, I don't want to commit my life to love with a potato. I want the real deal. Best of luck!

 

@Mr. Sir, the alpha male stuff is getting old. Chime back in, 15 years from now. Life with a woman is much more interesting and complicated than the "Alpha" male wants to admit. When you have your first child with a woman you love, you will realize how Alpha you are not. When something tragic happens in your life and look to your wife to help you through the tragedy, you will realize how much she loves you even if you can't always be a "man".

Wow... I don't know what to say. This is wrong on so many levels.

 

And a lot of crap, too.....

 

Talk to her! Simply ask her, by keeping your thoughts and concerns to yourself she'll never know. A person who truly wants to commit will do what they can to ease and resolve the issue ( along with their partner's help). Communication is key! A relationship is about team work, it's a partnership. Good luck! Stay strong!

 

@8BitsOfStuggling I appreciate the constructive response to my most.

@JustADude please point out exactly where I claimed to be anything other than a guy who studies and applies real social dynamics. Why are you bringing up child birthing? Why are you bringing up tragic events? We're talking about a guy whose been dating a woman for 6 months who is concerned because he's only getting laid twice a week.

And are you telling me you've never worked so hard that you could not have sex? Have you never been invested in creating something so great that you didn't think of women?

Please, remain on topic or do not contribute. Don't reduce my post to "So wrong in so many ways" or "complete crap". I'm a human f***ing being. Communicate with me like one. We're not facilitating a discussion by making non-arguments. And all this guy is getting is the same, generic responses you'd find on yahoo answers.

 

I wouldn't say it's getting old, it's just disappearing. And it's really, really sad.

Why so? Rising a son to be a man is one of the most fulfilling things a man can do. Protecting a daughter is the other. Both can be done from a position of a man.

@Mr. Sir Although I agree with nearly anything, I believe 'Women want sex more than men.' is simply not true. I would change it to 'Women want sex just as much as men'.

Anyways @Rookie_Wookie, think about it logically. If the sex was great, you must've started doing something diffrently which turned her off. I wouldn't say a few times a day is possible for a longer period of time, but once a day?
The two options were true. I assume you love her though, so you will follow the other one. And for the god's sake - don't talk to her about it! You can also follow the common advice and see how 2 times a week change into once a week and later once in a month. It's your life after all.

 

@Mr. Sir, you are right, you didn't deserve the tone of my response. Sorry. If you can't tell, I harbor much disdain for the "Alpha" male movement. I don't want another lost soul to get duped into taking up the "Alpha" nonsense. There are a lot of good intentioned people on noFap giving "Alpha" male advice, not realizing how bad the advice is. And... most of those people are young dudes fumbling through their early years themselves, yet they speak with so much false confidence that being "Alpha" is the beez neez.

Alpha male mentality encourages men to be misogynistic by objectifying women, by turning women into beings that will want to be with any man as long as that man is "Alpha". The "Alpha" male movement is dangerous because much of the advice in it DOES lead to an improved life and increased success with the women (at least temporarily). But remember, just because a mindset leads to more women and happiness, does not make that mindset correct. Not if it sabotages your ability to have a lifelong relationship with your future wife. Not if it encourages you to treat women like objects, put on this world to serve an "Alpha" males sexual desires.

Initially, I was cool with your post because even though you were pushing the "Alpha" mentality, your advice was mostly valid. I was cool with your words, right up until the point you typed these words...

Preceded by...

So... your telling someone to brainwash themselves to makes sure they find a woman who gives them sex "at the start of the day"? Really? Is that what having a loving relationship is about? I guess you will keep dumping women until you find one that wants sex in the morning? Or... are women so simple that your "Alpha"-ness will make any normal/undamaged women want to have sex on your schedule?

Or... "The woman gets his remaining energy"? What!?!? She gets the leftovers? ughhhhhh, really!!!!

I wish those comments represented the worst part of the "Alpha" male movement, but, unfortunately, they are just the tip of the iceberg.

I already had a lengthy debate with @Verhart about this topic a couple of months ago, and I am getting tired of my crusade to keep other young people from falling victim to this uninformed and inexperienced sham.
http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/should-i-try-being-friends-with-ex-girlfriend.37823/

This guy does a great job explaining why the "Alpha" male movement is simply incorrect and misguided. He even does a great job explaining why people are flocking to it (because it works for some people, at least temporarily).
http://markmanson.net/content/PDFs/Butchering_The_Alpha_Male.pdf

Some quotes from that document...
"The first problem with the Alpha worldview is that it creates a binary proposition; all men and behavior can be viewed in black-and-white terms. If the opening story showed you anything, hopefully it showed you that most male behavior CANNOT be analyzed in a simple “He’s Alpha” or “He’s Beta” behavior. Human behavior and motivations are more complex than that. Our intentions are inextricably linked to our emotions, some of which are totally irrational or even self-destructive. Unlike Gorillas and Hippos and Baboons, we’re really complicated creatures. Our hierarchy is not in plain view, and is often not there at all. For instance, is cheating on the mother of your children with your super hot secretary Being Alpha? Is sleeping with 100 hot girls because you’re still not over your ex Being Alpha? Is barging into some guy’s birthday party and stealing his booze Being Alpha? No, it’s being an Overcompensating Dick. Everything described above requires confidence, power, persuasiveness, and all of the things mentioned previously. But they’re all actions borne out of deep insecurities, moral faults and anxieties. Our society is more complicated than a Gorilla’s. We have things called trust, empathy, fairness, ethics, emotional attachment, sacrifice and love. Pure sexual gratification is only a small piece of our biological pie. As a general guideline, it’s useful to be able to point at a guy who’s being a pussy and not standing up for himself and call him Beta. But beyond that, the dichotomy breaks down. And it breaks down horribly."

and

"perceiving the world in these terms sabotages real relationships and strong emotional connections. If the definition of Being Alpha is somewhere in the vicinity of holding your personal drives above others, and the definition of an emotional connection with a woman is to empathize with her and literally see and feel the world through her eyes, then we have a major conflict of interest. The two are mutually exclusive. Genuine emotional connection, by definition, requires one to experience and relate to the drives, motivations and will of a woman. This is simply impossible if you’re enmeshed in a self-serving and social-bulldozing mindset. And once you begin to date a girl you really like, other issues begin to crop up: i.e., commitment, sacrifice, compromise, boundaries, etc. These are anathema to the classic PUA/MDA dogma of Alphaness. And if you hold onto it, you’re going to get hurt and screwed again… and it’s not going to be her fault this time either."

 

@JustADude
Indeed we had. And now I have knowledge to disagree. The point is you have a wrong conception of what Alpha means. You're constantly talking about those angry, hurt man who like to call themselves 'alpha'. It's clearly visible that the people who are angry are not me or Mr. Sir, but rather you. OP didn't even conjure this word. Misogyny? I get the impression that today it's used to describe talking about women as if they were people. Some refuse to acknowledge that they are not some beautiful angels without flaws, but just people. Suddenly being a man became misogynistic too. Pity world we live in.
PS. Mark Manson has written the best book about attraction that I've ever read. 'Models: Attract Women Through Honesty'. Read it and you will get the idea what it means to be a man.

 

I just read NoBrainer's post about updated forum guidelines on the off topic forum...
http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/posting-guide-keep-this-in-mind-before-posting.44150/

I think my comments safely fall into this...
"A growing level of argumentative responses on threads"
category.

In the spirit of that post. I would like to stop hijacking (All my fault by the way) the OPs thread.

Sorry @Rookie_Wookie, for turning your post into a debate about something other than your intended topic.

I am creating a thread in "Off Topic" in case you all want to continue the "Alpha" debate.