Dealing w/ loneliness, foreign country, and bisexuality

Hi guys. Just posted a long update on my journal (over here, if anyone wants to read the whole thing: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/thereisjons-journal.40032/#post-472296). Till recently I was doing fine, I thought, but the occasional struggle with loneliness has really caught up to me recently. I've had this problem since I moved to Germany a year and a half ago, and only recently it's happened more often.

One basic problem I have is that, while I have great colleagues in my grad program, and a handful of other people I get along well with in the area, I'd say I've not yet had any real, developed friends here. The few good friends, especially close ones, I have—the kind I can open up about anything, including this—are unfortunately nearly all are in the US, couple in the UK. (Though I have one potentially close friend here also in Germany, but quite a long distance to the north.) It's made it pretty hard for me when I hit crises, like what's sort of happened this last weekend, where having someone to call up and talk through things over a pint would help.

This leads to another problem with bisexuality for me, and also romantic relationships in general. I've still not yet been in a formal relationship, but had what probably amounted to my first experience a month ago (if third base counts), with a guy—an experience I regret, and knew I would regret beforehand. In the end I found what I already thought of myself—only was into the guy for the sex, but that was it, to my shame and horror. I think it came about when I was at the worst stage of dealing with loneliness and the desire for physical intimacy, and horniness, all together coming about at the same time. Not good things altogether.

It's only further entrenched this inner conflict I've had for a long time—finding myself sexually drawn to guys physically, but then get strongly, emotionally attached to certain girls. It also goes with my tendency to find close friendships only with guys (maybe normal?) in a way I couldn't have with girls. I don't know if one wire has gotten switched with another—and screwed over by a PMO'ing life—but it's only brought about the conflict further.

I find I really want to have a relationship someday, and really only with a girl. I want to have a family, etc. And yet a great problem is that my circumstances just don't allow for any of that now, or at least I don't find myself ready for it. Esp. after my last experience, I don't want casual sexual relationships; I want it to mean something. And likewise with guys, if there's any intimacy there, I want it to be a real one as a friend—not as an excuse to get off. God help me...

Sorry for the rambling. All to say, a couple questions for people: how do you guys manage loneliness while away in a foreign country, esp. when otherwise madly busy with studies? And for those who have dealt with it, how do you deal with bisexual inclinations, esp. when that's in juxtaposition to the desire to be good friends with guys?

Thanks.

 

Hey @Rav70, sorry I didn't respond. Time flies when you're busy and (not) having fun with academic work/life... Thank you for your message and encouragement. I really appreciate the last point, especially 'get out and meet real people'. Hard (for me at least), but true and so important.

I don't particularly 'identify' as bi, and in general I shun identity labels. I do think, though, that romantically I've really found it hard with the idea to pair up with a guy, so you're maybe right there. It really does come down to getting it on with people though. I'll just say a couple experiences over the last two months sort of confirmed this for me... So now it's back to getting through month 1 and hopefully getting in the clear from P *and* MO by year's end, hopefully...

And as always, thanks for your encouragement @Headspace. I'm slowly getting up to knowing people enough to chat casually, little by little.

 

@melancholy king ironically feminine types with guys have been kind of turn offs for me, lol... In general I notice I've gotten romantically attached just to girls, although when I notice guys I usually end up just becoming friends or moving on. But your point is taken, I think it makes sense; so far I also just see girls as the only possible domain of action. I think being stable and free from PMO for a decent amount of time will help determine things for me. So far bi- for me has been almost exclusively in the realm of PMO and, I think an extension on that, spontaneous hookups I definitely know will not develop (and really don't want in the end; I see it as an outgrowth of the addiction side of things). In that sense I'm trying to approach my sexuality in a balanced way, particularly in getting to know people first.

Sort of a roundabout way of agreeing with you otherwise

Friends-wise, I hope the old ones stay around. It's hard because almost certainly I will end up elsewhere than "home" in my line of work. That's maybe why I try to return back when I can, even though I also want to try my chances while I'm here. Guess we'll see.