Dead dick, fears and pain brought me here.

Hello fellow Fapastronauts,

I am 20 yo, my sexual life is really strange. I've fapped for the first time at the age of 18. When I was younger my penis got circumcised and from this point on I did not like it or paid any attention to it.

After this first time I got addicted. Did it for the first months every day, afterwards not every day but like 4 times a week. The porns I've watched got more and more absurd and the girls around me were not attractive to me anymore.

Just before I became twenty, in the beginning of the last year, I started realizing a growing veine, tiny but in a dark blue. I feared it would burst and told myself to stop fapping but I was not able to reduce it.
I must mention I fap for a very long time, like 40-60 minutes were not unusual. I had much time and was bored so this was okay to me.

But few months after, like 6 months from now my penis started to hurt. More and more veines grew, looking like they could burst in every second and I hate my own penis. I feel like my addiction and hard masturbation killed my dick. When I see my favorite porns I can still get a boner, but I will never get one from girls in real life. My dick stays tiny and still hurts little, but constantly for months now. He is just sitting in my pants like "leave me alone idiot and look what you have done to me". I've now reduced fapping to like 5-6 times a month for the last two months. Now I am clean from January 1st on and I am trying to keep up the 30 days or even more.

My dick is dead and I fear my addiction caused some long-term illness in my penis, which is non-reversible. I've consulted an urologist but the term is in the end of January, have to wait until then.

However, reading your posts gave me hope.
I hate how our western society does not face the problems porn causes. They just say fapping is a good thing and does not have any negative effects. Our experiences prove them wrong.