I've just begun the October challenge. My initial goal was to go without P&M. How do I feel after using Porn? "Not good" I am married. Very much attracted to my wife. I travel for work. PMO has always been a "crutch" for the loneliness I feel while away. A few years ago I revealed that I am "a user" to my wife. It was not easy and I lived in fear for a long time that it would really upset her. She was glad that I told her and didn't mind that I continue (I think they call that "unconditional love"). So, I continued. It was a relief to feel like I was being open; no longer living a lie. Even though I have "permission" from my wife, if I know that this is something that she is not completely happy with, if I love her, and want her to be happy, then why do I continue? "Maybe I have a problem". I have recently started exploring the idea of this as an addiction. My wife is not yet aware that I am thinking differently about this and myself. She always says that she doesn't mind that I "do it". She has made it entirely my choice to continue... or stop. As I've continued, I feel like I am taking advantage of her unconditional love. That does not make me feel good about myself. It sucks. I have a long way to go...
Remember whatever you feed will grow and whatever you starve will die. You are wise not to accept your wife's get-out-of-jail-free card. As you may see in some of the journals, the friendly competition your wife has with P will eventually end in her losing. As your use for P grows, what you watch now eventually won't be enough to satisfy the hunger and what that grows into may scare you and her. I've read journals where straight men are not satisfied except when they watch bi- or gay porn. Your wife loses at that point. Loneliness on the road is a common trigger. As possible, spend as much time talking to your wife. Keep pics of your wife as a background to your phone of laptop. Ask the hotel to remove PPV from your room or at least porn channels, if possible. Make a plan each time before you enter your room, what you are going to do while in there and be militant about it. The key is to reduce, remove free idle time. Journal either through here or through an app or hard copy to take time away. Place your laptop as far away from you as possible when in your room as well as your phone. It won't stop you but it takes effort and while going to get it, you may see what you are doing and stop before it starts. It's obvious that yo love your wife and your marriage and want to keep your vows. PMO is no different than cheating but on your wife but with many women. Allow that desire you have to be for your wife and allow THAT sexual bond to be stronger by keeping sex only with her. Your uneasiness is a good thing, allow that to encourage you as you wage war against PMO. Welcome to NOFAP.
Welcome to the club, I just started myself. (I've been around the block here before) but I am ready to kick this thing for good. It doesn't help my life or those around me in any way and without it we are better men to ourselves and our loved ones. My only purpose for this message was to welcome you to the club and to let you know we see you and are here for you. Challenge: Go to another newbies thread and welcome them and challenge them to show some love to another newbie. We got this . mind over matter.
Also a newbie Sounds like you made the right choice, I am also on day 1 I attempted something like this before now, but after about a fortnight I slipped back into old habits. I did go "P" free however. So my next goal is to be completely free from M as well. Goodluck with it, and I hope you will see lots of benefits for your marriage.
Oh my god I can so relate to that! It sucks being all alone hundreds of miles away from my family and friends, for days at a time. Major major trigger. Some of the stupidest thing I've ever done are under such circumstances. My wife is the same way. I considered myself very fortunate. But it does now seem to be a double-edged sword, doesn't it! I'm new here too. Good luck to you.
I Definitely does help and it forces you to be accountable for yourself in a way. Make the best of the next 24 hours my friend. Small steps lead to big rewards in this game. One day at a time. You got this.
