Day 50 [not what you think]

Before you read this...

***TRIGGER ALERT***

This story will contain A LOT of vulgar language and words that may trigger PMO thoughts. Please do not read on if you are really sensitive to triggers. If you can, read on to the last bit, where the stuff I have written will helpfully make you avoid the relapse. I apologise to anyone who finds the vulgar language and imagery offensive. I just wanted to relay what happened to me today as truly and as real as possible - and the coarse language is part of that.

If anyone think that this is too offensive and that there are too many triggers then please tell me and report it.

So, I was writing my journal today. This is what I had written:

Day 50:

Ironic. Day 50.

The sort of the milestone you set for yourself.

Well, I did not hit that milestone of 50 days without PMO. There, I said it. I probably masturbated to a pornstar giving another guy a blowjob 10-15 times, maybe more. And guess what? I nearly did today.

First wrong step was going on Minecraft. You guys might think Minecraft is a game for 8 year olds but boy it is addictive for a guy like me. Once I get on, I don’t get off. Period. I went on a few days ago, played 6 hours straight. 7pm -12pm, then could not get to bed until 3AM. Boy, what a great feeling... I went on today, played for two and a half hours. Only thing that stopped me was my family calling me for dinner, or else I’d be on that shit for hours more. I traded items with another person on a multiplayer server. She gave me something, I’d given her something better. She probably thought I was flirting with her when I was chatting to her. I did not even know if I was talking to female. Could have been a little boy for all I know. Could have been 8. Who the fuck knows? It is shit realising that you are so lonely and down that even this situation makes you think about flirtation. Just... wow...

I eat dinner and I feel like I’m spaced out. I cannot sit up straight. I stare at one spot, my head dropped. I am eating food but I feel like I’m not really there. I’m there physically but not mentally. I could have spent those two hours and a half doing homework. Shit, I have my first A Level exam in a few weeks time. And the rest of my A levels 2 months away. I wasted two fucking and a half hours of my day. And why? I felt lonely. I felt crap. I wanted to get to anything to feel like I’m talking to others. Any sort of conversation. But instead of actually thinking about it, sitting in my room with some calm music on, trying to figure out a real and proper solution, I blew out on video games. I have nothing wrong with video games. They just don’t mix well with me.

I thought the feeling would go sooner or later but it did not. Two hours later, I am lying in my parents room watching any random shit on youtube. Before I know it, porn. P O R N. I type in anything I could think to make me feel dirty. Cum swallow, edging, teen blowjob, hot girl with died hair. Short hair. Long hair. Brunette. Blonde. No make up. Mascaras eyes. Handjob. Smiling at the camera. Anything.

But guess what? Nothing turned me on. It was all just one blur. Things that used to get me horny didn’t. I look at things that I used to masturbate to and think ‘shit, she is pullling one ugly face’ ‘this is not intimate stuff, this is fucking meat pounding, flesh to flesh but no real intimacy WHATAOEVER’. I used to get REALLY turned on at some videos and ejaculate in minutes. I watched them now and did not feel anything. Just a blur. Half of my mind is saying that I should keep flicking through, keep on looking for that golden video that will finally turn me on. Other half is saying to stop, to just close the window down on my ipad and breath. I keep on searching half-heartedly and I think I have found it. Blonde girl with short hair. Under the covers. Giving a blowjob. Smiling. Biting her lip. She has that dirty look. She is not sucking the dick like a fucking vaccum cleaner like some other pornstars do (How did I ever think that was what sex was about?), but stroking it with her hands. Slowly. Erotically. Biting her lip at the camera. Kissing the tip. BLISS

Then suddenly, just before I unzip my pants, just before I start touching myself, in my fucking parents bed. I think to myself ‘what is the point?’ ‘Sure, I might get maybe 3, 5 minutes max of feeling dirty. Then I would ejaculate. I will then feel shit. I will have to fucking manoeuvre out of my parents bed with sperm all down my chest, waddle with my pants down like a fucking toddler, go to a bathroom, awkwardly grab some tissues in one hand, have the other hand cuping the sperm so it does not run down my legs. I will then feel even MORE spaced out. I will go in the shower and feel shitter than I did. I would feel bad for giving in.

Is this really what I want in my life? Is this really what I want to do? If I want to have a hot girl give me a blowjob, I’m not going to get any closer by wanking off to ascreen. Do other girls actually find this hot by the way? Imagine if a girl watched you wank off to a screen? They’d be freaked out. If I want to satisfy my sexual pleasures and fantasies, I will have to be patient. Wait for the right girl to come into my life. I will have to build up a relationship with her. Laugh with her. Go to the park. Talk to her. Have a meal together. Share memories with her. Make a relationship. Then fucking sit down when we think the time is right, talk about having sex maturely, tell eachother what we do want to try, what we do not want to try, what we might try etc. Then I will ask her for a blowjob. And I bet it will be the best thing in the world if she saysyes (fingers crossed, lol). Oh, and by the way, I am not thinking about girls in a sexually objectifying way. I would love to wake up in the morning next to a beautiful,mature, thoughtful, intelligent lady. Hug her. Tell her I love her. Enjoy her company etc. The reason why I am focusing on the sexual shit is because I felt sexual today and I am suffering from a porn addiction. I just wanted to get that clear. Relationships are not about blowjobs, but I guess it can be a bloody good thing anyway!

So, back to her giving me the blowjob. Why would it be so good? Not because she is like a pornstar, someone who I have never met before, never will, even if I did theywould probably not be interested in me that way one bit. Not a girl who is sucking offsomebody else thousands of miles away, getting paid for it.

It would be so amazing because it would be with a REAL person, who GENUINELYloves me and considers me her partner. She would not just be giving me a blowjob.She would be making a connection with me. Being intimate with me. Satisfying me. I would probably fucking hug her afterwards and tell her how much I love her and thank her dearly for allowing me to finally experience a blowjob. I would probably get up the next morning and make her breakfast, coffee, tea, whatever the fuck she wants. Now THIS is how it should be. Love. Intimacy. Not just sex but a meaningful relarionship. When I have a girlfriend I will probably discover that all this blowjob nonsense is not even all that. It will be spending quality time with her which will be the best part.

So, there I am, just about to unzip my pants, just about to give in. What do I do?

Man, fuck this shit. I’m not going to fucking play with myself in my parents bed. I’m not going to masturbate. I’m not going to falter. And guess what? As soon as I close the window down, i feel TRIUMPHANT. I feel GREAT. I feel like I have conquered a battle. Like I have cracked some fucking complicated maths problem. I go watchLeonardo DiCaprio as Jordan Belfort in Wolf of Wall Street. I watch the scene when hesays he is not leaving, he is not leaving his company. Now, it is pretty ironic that I amwatching this considering that a lot of the film is about sex and prostitution and whatnot (by the way, the film does not glorify this, the main character ends up losing everything due to his greed and indulgence and his life is shown as very shallow). But, anyway, his speech. He delivers this monologue about not giving in SO PASSIONATELY. With so much vigour. And I feel like this is the attitude that I, and maybe other people suffering from PMO addiction should have. The stuck-up, stubborn, middle finger up to your addiction with porn. Porn will need to be a fucking bulldozer to take me down! And it should be for you too! Maybe the next time you are about to relapse. Just watch the video. Type in Wolf of Wall Street Im not leaving on Youtube, should be the first video that comes up. Now this guy literally puts up a middle finger to his problems. And I think that arrogant attitude of I,m NOT giving in can work well for a PMO addiction.

So, what do I now? I’m going to lie down. And listen to some calm music, and thank myself that I am making breakthroughs. Then I am going to do some yoga, and thank myself EVEN MORE for what I have done today. It has been tough, but I have pulledthrough. Then I am going to go to bed with a smile on my face. I BEAT my addiction. And with every victory, comes one step closer to living a better, more mindful, morepresent, more exciting, REAL life.

P.S if you actually had the mental power to read through all this shit, then god bless you. I hope what I have written today has helped to inspire you.

 

Thanks for the response and I wish you all the best on your recovery. I agree that if you want to have more interaction and intimacy with girls, then going to porn will not improve anything - in fact, it will probably make things worse.

But, thinking about it now, a few hours later, I really think that what I am looking for is intimacy and genuine care, rather than the pornographic sort of interaction. I was writing the story in the heat of the moment, hence the coarseness etc. Looking back at it now and your response, I think what I am looking for is to find a girl who genuinely likes me and cares for me, and me the same.

 

I totally understand if you do not like it. Many people do not, including my mum who thinks its awful haha. What I was trying to get at was not what he says, but how he says it. He says he is not leaving and not going to be taken down like he is the strongest person on earth. It’s that attitude of ‘I’m not letting anything get me down’