I experienced an angry outburst yesterday before bed. I was feeling ticked off by something small at work, and on the way home I yelled and honked my horn like a crazy person. This is something I’m going to need to handle, although it does feel good to have some energy. When I am PMOing a lot, I feel like a zombie. Today, I am feeling less afraid of life. Gradually, this fear starts to get better as I get farther away from PMO. Another level of this that I need to consider is my fear of P itself. I think it’s important that we are not afraid of P, and realize that it does not have control over us. I was watching YouTube earlier, and one thumbnail lead to another. Before I knew it, I was mindlessly seeking out videos with attractive women. There is a lot of soft core P on YouTube, and it can be dangerous. However, I made the decision to just not relapse because I didn’t have to. It doesn’t control what I do. I think I spent a long time being afraid of P. Interesting, because I used P to escape things I am afraid of in life. So now I am deciding that I will not be afraid of P, and I will stay away from it, and I will also face the fears in my life that I always run away from. “You can’t solve a problem at the paradigm it was created.” I sought porn out of fear. Fear kept me using it. I started to fear that it controlled me. Now, I must let go of fear all together. Well, at least not be afraid of fear itself, so it won’t be an endless loop. If I am a little angry sometimes, that is fine for now.
