Day 26 - need advice, first time poster

IDK about the art career after what you write. You're now starting to reap some rewards that were 7 years in the making. I know it takes a lot of time to get better at anything. A lot of effort and time. I think 5-10 years is minimal for getting really good at something, depending on the talent. I don't particularly like my job, but I have gotten good at it, because despite my addiction, I worked pretty hard. I wasn't easy on myself, took anything they threw at me, etc.

So if I started with the art stuff now, it'd take minimum 5 years before I get to see any results at all. By that time, I will be 37, which is a time when I'd like to be financially secure and set, not in a position where I don't even know if my lucky break will come or not.

I think maybe if I find a way to do it along my regular job, I'll give it a shot, but I'm not going to risk it all at this age. Too bad I didn't get clean at 24-25. I knew I had the problem even then, but I just never could get it under control.

And you don't sound like a self-obsessed asshole. At all. You're trying to pursue your passion seemingly. You started fairly early from my POV, so if you're good, you have a legit shot at turning this into your livelihood. And if not, well, at least you can rest easy you gave it a shot. Otherwise it'd haunt you for the rest of your life.

And yeah, I don't discredit the 7 years in the law office. At all. It was very educational. I was kind of a daydreamer and stumbled into this career just by lack of direction and motivation. I barely got through college. I am absolutely not the person who would enjoy reading contracts, legal acts, etc. I always found the profession to be too structured, unimaginative, rigid, cold, pragmatic. Very firm boundaries. Boring. And it is like that in a lot of ways, but I found that to be a plus for me, or I convinced myself of it. My thinking was that an impractical daydreamer like me who sleepwalked through entire college in a haze of alcohol, marijuana and porn addiction, could use a little reality check. And this job provided that in spades. You easily see what you can do and can't do within the system we live in, you understand the structures, the boundaries, the ins and outs. You either prepare for the worst when making contracts, or you deal with the worst during court proceedings. It might be a little disheartening and boring, but no matter how wild our dreams are, the world is still limited in a certain way, law is exhibit A of that. And you meet and represent a lot of entrepreneurs, businessman, bankers, etc. Top people in their field and they are VERY different from people who are more, let's say, emotionally, or artistically inclined. Much different from me. A lot of tough, pragmatic alpha males. And it's absolutely good to know they're out there and understand how they operate, think, etc. It's a tough and very pragmatic, unemotional racket, but I actually grew to enjoy this aspect of the job. I enjoy that I'm dealing with something I feel is more adult, masculine, practical. I feel like it's less childish and vain than for example creating music, painting, acting, etc. You also get deeper knowledge in many various fields, because you represent people from all lines of work and business.

So maybe my dream of being an artist at this point is really a childhood dream that can be left behind and I can be perfectly comfortable with my job as it is. It's not bad.

so who knows what'll happen...anyway, good luck with your paintings. hope you reach the success you've been working on. ;-)

 

My goal is zero porn and zero masturbation now. Not going to keep track, because if I view porn just once, I'm back to square one in my head.

Another poster here also advised me not to masturbate even occasionally, to try and do 3 month abstaining runs. I wanted to do once per month, but after what he and you wrote, I'm going with the 3 months. Not even going to analyze it further.

I absolutely agree that P an M are connected for people like me, for addicts. Maybe it's not the best analogy, but it's like beer and vodka. For a recovering alcoholic who used to drink a bottle of vodka every evening, a beer is not the same as it is for other people. Beer is still very dangerous ground. So I approach it with this sentiment.

Thanks for writing, it helps people are actually taking their time to write something positive to me. Very cool of you and everyone else.