Day 11

It's day 11 and I am starting to notice positive changes. There is less chatter in my mind. I am worrying less and less. I am making better connections with people. I feel more vibrant and alive.
Part of my struggle is getting out of bed and getting going with the day. I didn't sleep that well and I was still really tired when my wife woke me up this morning for work. My dreams were really weird. Once I got going though I was fine.
I've had urges throughout the day. Certain pornographic scenes have been popping up in my mind. I just keep reminding myself that it is not worth it and the path I am on is much better. It's hard to see the light right now but when you start experiencing the benefits you begin to believe in the process.
I feel like this process has been more than unplugging from pornography. It is an unplugging from all of the cultural programming. I feel more confident in myself and I am not looking to anything outside of myself for answers. I think we all have the answers deep down inside. We just have to do the work to get to them. This process started with meditation. Then I became more aware of my actions. I started to improve my relationships with other people. I began exercising more consistently and practicing yoga. I started to eat healthier and go outside more and watch less television. But while I was making all of these changes I was still masturbating and watching pornography. My life was improved but I couldn't reach the next level. I think quitting pornography is the final step in order to reach that next level. This is a difficult thing to do but that is why the benefits are so amazing. The best things in life are not easy to obtain. They take discipline, confidence, and a strong sense of self reliance.
With that being said, I have started to learn more about my triggers. My triggers are usually negative emotions that I have associated with negative experiences or memories. But what I realized is a lot of these negative experiences were more or less driven by "fapping behavior". What I mean by that is when I was younger my life revolved around porn and fapping. So I feel like that behavior was responsible for a lot of the unfortunate situations in my life. So when I think about those things in my life that I regret, or embarrassing situations, or just things that bring a depressing or sad feeling I tend to turn to pornography. But this is the wrong response because pornography is what started this whole mess in the first place!!! This is what I finally realized recently. This is why the cycle must be broken.
You have to realize that this addiction is deeper than you realize. This is why it takes so long. You have to work through all of your crap to have a better understanding of why you started fapping to begin with. You have to replace your negative habits with positive ones.
This website is a great resource and I am thankful for it but at the end of the day I know that it is up to me to make the change.

"In order to achieve something you must first expect it of yourself"