Dark thoughts...... might be too extreme for this forum. Think I’ll become a psychopath

Hi,

I joined NoFap a few days ago to try and figure out my heavy addiction to porn and masturbation. In these past few weeks I’ve been having really dark thoughts and these thoughts have lead to watching viral videos of violence, murder, and death. Like someone sawing someone’s head off, limbs being cut off, throats cut....... I have some kind of voice in my head telling me that “violence is power. Losing your empathy is strength” I think I might be possessed or something. I have been dabbling in the occult. Something changed in me since then. It’s lead to think I have to “win” at everything. Feeling like I have to get revenge at anyone that crosses me........ I’m at my wits end. One more insult or humiliation and I’m going to lose it........... what should I do? I have felt physically ill from watching the videos...... but I still end up watching them....... the voice tells me the watching the videos will make me “strong”.

 

True strength is when you accept that you have weaknesses but don't let those stop you.

You should ask yourself... what good does it bring you if you are at the top but so alone that the void in you
is making you a useless addict which goes to such extremes and loses himself and his goals on the way to the top.
Power is an illusion. You can die any second from a disease or anything else. Anyone can. You have no power to stop that.
We are humans. We need empathy. At least from others. There is a reason why we don't do "bad things" to get what we want.
Not because we can't or we are weak. But do you know how long a victory can keep your heart warm if the next winter comes?
Or the next. Or the one after that? No.
But someone who cares about you will be there for you.
On your good days. And especially on your bad ones.

Please go and seek a therapist. I felt similar once. Yes you will be win but the price you pay will make the void in you
grow stronger each time you give something of yourself to win. The price you pay would be you and just ask yourself
if beating an addiction is difficult how difficult is redemption and getting back yourself from the void.
This is not the only way.

I know how you feel.... It's so disappointing to see others let you suffer, I know that. But trust me they can't do the essential steps for you.
There may be none to help you. To save you. The truth is there are no heroes to save you.
You are now on NoFap. You are not alone any more. We see you. Or at least we will try to understand you.

I understand you rage, suffering and fear. Trust me... I do.

Accept that you need help. Accept that this is just a way to lock yourself up in the void so you don't get hurt any further.
We are here for you. Many have been there and those who have surpassed this hell don't want to see anyone
else go through it without any advice.

Strength? This is no strength. Sitting in your room and trading yourself so you lose your sanity and get a illusion of how the world works.
I am here. Therefore, you have a choice. There is another voice in you. Look out for a child that is hurt. A man that is disappointed.
And don't throw them into the void. They seek our help and empathy. Embrace them.

Again. Please. PLEASE go see a therapist. We will be here as well.

Hope is with you, my friend

 

I’m too far gone into the darkness. The old me is lost. The new me is the only way to stay alive in this cruel world. I made a contract with Satan for protection in exchange for worshipping him my whole life. His protection has worked but I’m losing who I am. Everything is gone now....... it makes me sad. All I can sense is endless darkness.

 

I agree and you’re right about being inside too long. Feel like I’m losing my mind. Watching the gore videos on the other hand is just wrong.

 

We are here for you. No matter which path you choose. No matter how Versions of you will die and a new one will be born.
You are all of them. And all of them are you.
Darkness is where hope is born. A new hope. Your time will come.
But darkness is not endless. As light as to fight the dark. So does the dark will fight the light.
Duality. One can not exist without the other. You need both to free yourself from both.
No matter what. We are here for you