Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.
I believe I REALLY did
HIM : So my car is dead in the work parking lot. Sounded like a belt and then my battery light went on and the car died. Someone here said probably alternator belt. I had alternator replaced a couple of years ago (I think).
Can someone pick me up later or drop me off a car sometime today. I'll have AAA tow it to The garage .
ME : boys aren’t around it’s going to have to be me ....
UGG I JUST WANT TO SAY CALL A FUCKING UBER . But I won’t . That is going to be an AWKWARD 40 minute drive. Is this the UNIVERSES way of playing a sick fucking joke .
He Talked about work whole time trying to kill the awkwardness . Then 5 minutes before home . “ I read your email , can I read it again tmrw not rushed and then we can talk “ I said sure it shouldn’t be rushed . Sit with it . Now I’m making burgers for him and boys they are going to want to have family dinner .
Boys took food upstairs I told him he could have living room to watch game I’m outside now on deck he wouldn’t stop trying to make light conversation I shoulda just never said anything ever lol
Just trying to control the stupid heart palpitations. That 40 min ride though . As we were getting out he looked over at me he said “ thank you for leaving the party to come get me I thought I was going to have to get an Uber because couldn’t picture how the ride was going to go “. I smiled and said I almost told you to get an Uber , and he asked me not to poison his burger I said don’t worry you can’t Taste it.
I don’t think he was very happy with what I was wearing when I picked him up . Buncha work guys outside . Cropped shorts , tight tank , side braid Sorry just came from a party that I could have stayed at , it’s funny how many PA are jealous like that .ya your wife’s a head turner , just not yours lately . Armour in full affect .
Ugg we wound up both on couch watching the game . He asked about the summer house how it went . Yuck I talked more than I wanted to . I don’t want to be nice to have to be mean tmrw when he doesn’t hear what he wants . FFS !
Sipping my Dark and Stormy , oh how apropos
Whelp he was already in the den by 7a .
What I’ve learned is to just assume he used this morning. That’s always been his MO ( pun intended) . To get up before me . Even on his days off . While I’m a warm half naked body in bed . PFFT . I’m not “ triggered “ in the way I used to be . I’m “ triggered “ to throw that guard right back up lol
Ugh . Got ready for gym . Guess who else is ready for the gym . FFS
I read on your other post that you are an empath too-here also. Being an empath with a PA as a partner sure makes he crazy making that much more crazy.
Will read *hugs
I just read some of your journal and I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you. I hope that this separation is the beginning of things getting better for you. Being the SO of a SA/PA who isn't fully committed to recovery is a pain beyond words!
This mother fucker tried to mark his territory at the gym . We took separate cars . No sir you can not have it both ways . You can not keep me to yourself when you didn’t give an F about hiding and lying to me . No sir . No no no . Had a great workout regardless .
That's maddening. I'm sorry.
I’m so so so
In no particular order .
Yup, it’s a mind blowing , a life altering hidden addiction that creates so much turmoil , anxiety, hyper-vigilance,anger and deep pain.
I finally got to the point, where I surrendered to what is . I thought I couldn’t go any lower...but there it was...DEFEAT.
I’m exhausted too...so have your porn, girls, dopamine high etc...
I’d rather have peace of mind, relaxation, joy and comfort...
I feel like I might be getting to this point. Original dday destroyed me. But this go round I just feel defeated and resigned.
Looking back in retrospect now both he and I can see that the first attempt was doomed before it really started as M was reintroduced almost immediately and the recovery plan was weak. This time he seems to get it and is planning a fully engaged recovery strategy (at least right now at only one week after discovery). But I don't know if I can rally to do it all again. I feel like loving him through this and loving myself are mutually exclusive concepts. I feel flat. I feel done.
I’ve had 4 IMPACTFUL DDAYS . In 10 years . Only the one in 2016 welcomed any sort of recovery/ therapy / FANOS . I thought this time was going to be different .
I have to put this here or I’ll forget !!
. He went to the den I thought that’s where he was going to stay . He didn’t . I got caught sobbing . I have NOT let him see me breakdown. There will be no reconciliation. He doesn’t see it a problem . He hasn’t touched the laptop in 2 weeks . BUT yes it’s in his car . All same nonsense , no R movies ever , I’ll always want access to his stuff . He’ll always be restricted. No privacy . I researched way too much on “my side of things “ I sound like a text book . I CANT BE WITH A MAN LIKE THAt . I told him to not come upstairs while I’m home . I asked “ before this conversation ends ,would you see a therapist for you ? What if your wrong about addiction “
He said “ what if the therapist is wrong , you’d tell me to find another therapist “
So I just said DONT WORRY YOU WONT SEE ME CRY OVER YOU AGAIN . Fuck this douche . I said then this is no trial . Consider us separated in all forms of the word , other than that your still sleeping here .
Yup I hear ya. I asked an addict what is the quickest way to deal with someone who has an addiction. He said give them more of what they are addicted to!!! Basically his thought was you want it fine take it...do it...kill yourself...kill us....do what you need to do. Then he said, you have to be prepared to let go, stand back and watch.
The addict now has the rope to either hang on, let go or hang themselves.
I guess by letting go , it takes the mystery out of deception and lying. I don’t know if that makes sense...basically let go and let him face the consequences of his actions.
I support you...you’re not alone...many people are here to be with you.
I wish we could afford for him to go stay somewhere IMMEDIATELY. The crux of the issue really is , I should be looking to him for comfort but he’s the one who fucked me over . AGAIN and AGAIN . The ENTIRE situation just sucks . How long can I do this whole him in the den me in the main living area . The butterflies in my belly for him walking in the door have been replaced by the feelings of a thousand knives gutting my stomach and this mother fucker has the knife .
I took off Friday morning like a bat outa hell . This wknd was what I needed w some really great ppl .
I drove a Polaris through some pretty sick trails . Drove up a beautiful mountain . Went to a waterfall . Saw a whole lot of Gods natural pure beauty. Rested my head . Cried a little, laughed A Lot ! I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GO. HOME. . I drank I smoked did anything I wanted for all the right reason . My boys knew where I was and I made sure to be in contact with them . The shadow man got a note with just a few words lol
“ Gone for the weekend, enjoy your privacy “
I owe HIM nothing. I saw I will be ok when this ends when and however it does . I know the in house separation road will be a long one . I know I have to detach ( not with love , that’s too hard ) I have to DETACH completely. He is not my friend . He’s my house partner . He’s the father of my children at this point . My stunning 3.5 carat ring will not be worn iHe will not be the one comforting my pain he’s never been good at that . He will continue to inflict my pain . With intent or not .
I know I’m a good woman . I know that I’m a beautiful woman . I know that I have Been a loyal wife to a fault . I know he is not ever going to be my mirror . He will never reflect the kind of spouse I am and have always been . The financial part , the house part willl be the scariest part of all . I’ll be ok though . I have money I just didn’t want to touch future money