Counting down the days to my TWO YEARS PMO FREE

In 5 days I will celebrate my TWO YEARS PMO FREE . 730 amazing days that changed my life forever.
A lot happened during this time and it will be too long to write the whole story again
Basically I was addicted to PMO, male escorts, glory holes and xxx theatre sex during 40 years
I get down in hell, my brain git hickjacked by it. I did too many things I feel guilty now. I got humiliated by escorts , forced to do things I did not want or like. But kept coming back .
I was completely desensitized, could not feel anything down there. But I kept chi g 3-4 PMO sessions per day, some lasting 60-90 minutes. Edging and shooing to "make it last longer". Jumping from one scene to the other because nothing satisfies me any more.
I had a "parallel life" becaus I am married and have two sons . My wife Always felt that something was going on but of course always denied it
I sneaked out work, made an appointment with some male escort in a shady cheap motel , had sex and got back to work silently. I returned home and go to bed with my wife prentwsing nothing happened .
Every time the escort left the motel I stayed in bed depressed and sad. Some times I even needed to watch more open before leaving , this is how fucked up I was.
I got shelter in pen as the perfect world where everyone is happy and enjoy. My favorite videos were ones of an European studio where they show one every movie happy young guys , smiling , playing and enjoying sex. They even use bright colors and nice background to communicate this happiness .
But one day I hired and escort who worked for this studio . He told me that they are abused and forced to have sed without condoms because " this is what the clients like". That they fake their HIV tests if they are positive. That the owner of the studio has the "right" to sleep with any of them whenever he wants . That several die before 35 years old due to overdose , alcohol abuse , AIDS or because of violence . They have pimps that take most of the money, and they feed them drugs constantly, so most of them are drug junkies. This guy was not even gay, he had a girlfriend, but he needed this job because he had a very ooor family in Hungary that he needed to feed
But the worst part was that even after listening this I still had sex with him , and I was active . I knew he was in a lot of pain but could not stop .
This happened exactly two years ago today.
When I left his hotel , got to the car and started crying . I felt like an animal . I wanted to die.
My mind was foggy , I cannot even remember how I got back to my office.
I felt dirty , a big hans pressing my chest
I could not look to the face of my family , pretending I was sick and went to bed without having dinner
This is how bad it was. I write this again and again ( sorry if you have already read it) to make sure I never cforget the hell life is "under PMO influence ". Like a drug junkie who cannot stop even if he knows ( in the brief minute or sobriety per day) that he is destroying himself
I will keep writing every day what happens to me that day two years ago, until that May 12 th 2015 when my life started changing
Stay tuned and keep on fighting
Fercho

 

May 8th, 2015.
I was so depressed and felt so shitty about my experience the previous day, that could barely get up from bed.
So, what a PMO addict does in those cases? Watching more porn, MO more and sinking himself in even deeper shit.
And this is what I did.
I had this gay porn studio which I always followed, watching free movies from some porn site.
But i craved for more that day, so i decided to pay a subscription to their site.
I knew that I could get discovered by my family if I pay with my credit card, because they control our expenses through the credit card App very often.
My mind was so foggy that I did it anyway. It is funny, because later on I remembered that I used PayPal or some gift card when I wanted not to be discovered. I believe that my mind was looking for help when I did it.
I could not ask for help in any other way, so I wanted to be discovered and did this.
The following day my son saw the charge and asked in the family WA group if anyone knew about a charge coming from E-Billing Inc. Porn sites uses third party billing companies for privacy.
I said it was an expense I did for one of my researches ( I teach in an university) and prayed that this will be enough to hide once again my addiction.
As you may suspect...it was not.
Fercho

 

May 10th 2015- 729 days ago
It was my son's college graduation.
This was a day I always dream about. Being born abroad, having a son graduating from a US college is everything we dream as parents.
It was a happy day, but I could not feel happiness. I had a pressure on my chest all the time, like a hand pressing my heart. I felt like crying, I felt sadness as never before in my life.
I realized I had lost the ability to feel happy, even in such a happy moment.
I felt isolated from the rest of my family that came for the graduation.
When i look back to that day, I realized that my life had no more meaning at all. I never thought about suicide because I am not brave enough to do it. Just dreamt about going to sleep and never awaking again.
On the other hand, I was responsible for two sons and a wife, so i could not give myself that luxury.
I felt like in a trap. So what a PMO addict does when he/she feels trapped?
Of course more PMO sessions, longer, edging more and more. Like a slow suicide.
At night my son mentioned again about the credit card billing. he told me that he had called the billing system and that they told him that it was a payment to a gay porn site. They even told him the password I used for the subscription, which is the one I always use for everything...and he knows.
He pretended that my computer could have been hacked...I feel until today that he knew the truth, because he ended up sayingL "we do not want mom to get hurt, right?".
I felt the lowest shit in the world. He was such a gentleman!
I could barely sleep that night. I was crying, feeling guilt and shame. I was in the edge of all my family discovering the things I had been trying to hide for so many years.
I was in the verge of collapse.
I would have never suspected how my life would be turning two days later, when I discovered NoFap and PMO addiction.

 

May 11th, 2015- 730 DAYS
I was very depressed due to everything that happened the previous days, and I barely slept that night so I was super tired and dizzy.
So I did what we PMO addict do when we feel trapped or overwhelmed: we look for a binge of PMO or related sexual activities. I booked a male escort and went to his apartment. As soon as I arrived I realized he used fake pictures, he did not look nothing like his profile. I should have left, as I did many times before, but I was like under anesthesia. I could not think straight.
I stayed, and the whole experience was very humiliating. Everything was dark, he told me to shut up "because there was someone sleeping in the room next door", and he behaved very aggressively and talked me down. He laughed on me all the time with a contemptuous look.
i will not get into details , but I wanted this to finish fast and leave. I surrendered to the situation and let it happen, as a zombie.
I left the place 15 minutes later, with no will and nor emotions. Until i get into my car and started crying.. I prayed God to help me get out of that hell. Or to take me with him because that was not a life any longer. Just a long agony and suffering.
I got back to my house and could not look to my wife and sons into their eyes while we were having dinner. I pretended that everything was ok, but my mind was not there for one minute.
I felt dirty so I took a shower trying to get clean, but the dirtiness was inside.
I took some pills because I could not sleep again that night.
I could have never guessed that my life would be taking a 180 grades turn the following day.

Fercho

 

MAY 12th. 2015- TWO YEARS AGO!!!
Dear Fapstronauts:
I cannot tell you how happy I am for reaching this day. It is like a dream come true!
Two years is enough time to put enough distance to that date and understand how in deep trouble I was that day. How my life was completely clueless and aimless.

I got up that day and did not feel like going to work. As usual, I had breakfast with my wife, and when she left to the office I got back to bed and had my usual morning PMO session, probably 45-60 minutes. I always told my wife that I preferred to stay at home to work in peace before going to the office (we work together). So she always arrived at 9 AM to work, and I always showed up at 11 AM, like if nothing happened. I always used that time to PMO and procrastinate in bed.
That day I was too depressed to work, could not focus in anything, so i went to the gym to do some bicycle while I was reading news in my Ipad.
I cannot remember what I was reading. i am sure it was not porn, because I never did this in the gym. But obviously it was something related to porn, because suddenly a new window popped up in my screen. It was an article talking about PMO addiction. It was the first time I ever heard about porn addiction in my life. I did not know that such a thing existed.
Next thing, I was taking a survey to "know if you are a porn addict". There were 20 questions, in the 6th one i already realized that I was getting the worst results you could get. No surprise, I got "you are a severe porn addict and need help immediately".
I freaked out. I sat down still on the bicycle gym , could not move. i was in shock. Evertything started to make sense while I kept reading more and more articles about PMO. The constant sense of depression, the feeling of something pression on my chest.
I learned about desensitation, and understood why I could not get satisfaction with PMO any longer, but I kept craving for more and more every time.
I watched Gary Wilson TED Talk and realized how my brain worked as an addict. I learned about dopamine, chaser effect, etc.
I got back to my home and started deleting all the videos I had saved during years as "my treasures". There were hundreds of them and I had carefully saved them in different libraries, according to "the topic". I empty the trash bin to make sure this was a point of no return
I took all the DVD's I had hidden in a drawer in my closet and throw them in the trash.
I threw all the porn mangazines and deleted all the contacts of the escorts and "sexfriends" I had saved in my cellphone.
I was in panic. Shocked. But after so many months, I had a resolution. Now that I know I was a PMO addict, I wanted to get out of it. I promised myself that that the previous days has been the last one living as a creepy PMO addict, hiding from everybody to watch porn and Mo like a monkey all day long.
I kept reading and researching many more hours.
Two days later I found NoFap, became a Fapstronaut and never left.
My reboot was long and painful. I had several very hard withdrawal symptoms which I will describe later on.
I found the priceless support of the fellow members in this community who helped me in so many moments when I wanted to quit.
A coup,e months later I started the NoFap Academy e course and got the coaching of Mark Queppet and @Alexander. Without them my recovery would have been impossible. I am still a member and I try to assist every Wednesday to their video calls, where I can get coaching and advise about how to continue my reboot, even today after two years.
I got a great AP , we have supported each other during the good and bad times, even if he is much younger than me we have became close friends. Thank you @goldstein !!!
And her I am today. In following days I will continue to describe how my reboot changed my life for good. And how When the fog of PMO started disappearing I started remembering how I was sexually abused as a kid, and how this triggered my PMO addition.
But today I just want to celebrate. I raise my glass for all the fellow Fapstronauts that are in this fight together. And let you all know, that this addiction can be defeated. This battle can be won. We are stronger than the "Gremlin" that is inside us. We can live a better, cleaner, happier life.
There is "life after PMO". This is my new challenge now.
A nice challenge. Much nicer than the one I faced two years ago.

Keep on fighting with all your strength
Fercho

 

Thank you so much @zeke mitchell

 

Thank you @Ttomred for coming by and posting!

 

Thank you @jack barnard , I am glad you found motivation in my story. let me know if i can help you with anything in your reboot
Fercho

 

Hi @im_alive , thank you very much for your support.
Yes, I quit MO too. Actually this was the hardest part. P was not a big temptation for me after 2-3 weeks from starting my reboot. But MOmis harder because the fantasies are inside my head. It took long until they started disappearing
Fercho