Correlation between logical negativity and porn addiction

Hi All,

TLDR - If life is just pointless and meaningless, why should I bother not self medicating with porn?

My first post here, I've just started on a 90 day abstinence, about 3 days in.

I've been using porn fairly heavily since about 12 years old (31 years old now). I had a manic chaotic mum & non strict dad, so I was able to do what I wanted, all the time when growing up. I also was technically savvy, so had access to a computer all the time when younger. My first porn was downloaded using a BBS , old school

Ever since about 13/14 I have been dis-interested in school and following rules. I was smoking marijuana on weekends around this age. I was highly motivated all the time by music, audio engineering, and computer graphics.

Yet I didn't apply myself well at school, even in subjects that would have meant I could have gone on to have a good career in those kind of fields (I've ended up doing pretty well for myself actually, but it's been a struggle, not a very typical career path)

I've always had a very negative view of life when looking at it from a certain point of view. My dads brother killed himself when I was about 11/12, and I'm not sure if that has had an impact, but I have always had the threat of suicide in my back burner. To me whenever I don't like life, I just can always fall back on thinking about suicide. And so in order for that to be a real option, I need to de-value life, so that it makes sense that it is a sensible choice.

I had a few bad experiences with various girls when growing up, combined with a lack of self worth, I just pretty much felt that most girls weren't good enough for me (in the sense that they weren't ambitious enough, and would probably hold my life back, and also, I took sex + relationships really seriously, so I didn't want to use a girl for sex, and not have a serious relationship with them (heavily catholic upbringing, although our family ended up giving up on that. Side story, we took in a gay alcoholic priest for a year and rehabilitated him, good family friend to this day (and dry ever since)

I think I have problems with my self worth, and making decisions for myself. I am an extreme people pleaser, and find it extremely hard to say no to people. This maybe comes from being bullied when I was about 10/12, and so I reacted to that by just saying yes all the time, and a need to be liked. I have problems with thinking what other people think of me.

This now leads through into my life now, by running my own business. I sell complex software solutions, and I regularly undersell my services, because I am worried about not winning the work. I also have significant money worries, because I saw my parents working really hard, having no life it seemed. So I really want to be financially secure (yet I manage my own budgets badly, and make reckless business deals on a whim without enough planning (I have spent years managing projects successfully, but for some reason, I don't do this with some projects).

Really, I want to have a creative life, making complex art installations, or music etc.. But in my attempt to get ahead, through career and own company, I've not really had much time for a life of my own, and my money situation isn't great either.

I typed "I own a business and I hate capitalism" into google the other day and it found this link. I really don't like operating a small business doing very complicated projects for too little money. I don't really want to be fighting running a small business, but I felt if I stayed working for someone else, I was just going to be a slave to their needs my whole life.

(I also didn't have the skills to work as a serious programmer, but I do now, I've built some pretty incredible apps + platforms + installations while running my company)

So, through running this company, which I feel is the only avenue to having enough money to not work too much later in life + be an artist, it's making me very un-happy.

I've lost the interest in anything (as I have done through various depressive parts of my life before, say entering the workforce after university) I felt that having to join the real world is something that is forced upon me. I don't want to be an adult member of the human race, having to fight for profit & myself.

I really enjoy helping others, being nice etc... I find that looking out for myself just has to result in me trying to scam people out of a bad deal, so if I'm going to do that, why don't I do something like run a gambling website, or even better, a mobile gaming company (gambling for kids)

So essentially, I'm just massively angry & pissed off at being alive. It just all seems like a worthless struggle, which is going to involve me being an arsehole if I want to get ahead. It's OK for all the people with trust funds and will never know the struggle of having your back against the wall trying to do something incredible, where if it doesn't work out, it really hurts (I lost a year of my life building a huge software platform for someone, who I warned that they needed to know how to run it as a business after I had finished it. They didn't have clue, and then sued me, which I self defended myself out of, but it was still stressful. I shouldn't have done that job, lesson learnt)

I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be in a position to do any of this at all, but I'm just really tired of working 16 hour days. I'm also scared of working for anyone else or a big company (unless it was google or facebook I guess) as I see employment just as a simple form of slavery.

I am deeply worried by the cost of raising children, supporting a spouse, and all of that. I think that it will just repeat the same problems of my parents, so really, it's all just a cycle of life being shit.

The only way I've been able to enjoy myself in the past, is to make big changes in my life (when I started my business I felt great, but that was just because I had left the 9-5 (those hours sound great!) or I've spent money to forget the stress of it all.

Add to all of this, I really believe that life has no meaning (logical reductionism says so), so really, why bother? (My mum used to call me "firstname can't be bothered lastname" An answer to that is to look out for myself, and enjoy some things in life. But I feel so trapped in this path, and doing bad business, so the idea of having time for myself and enjoying anything + getting ahead in a stable way seems impossible.

So yeah, after all that way of looking at the world, I use porn to numb the pain.

Serious thanks if you got that far of reading through that!

My own list of positive changes to make in my life

• Be cautious of any business deals from here on in. (Especially when working with friends or close contacts)
• Plan extensively (no plan is a plan to fail)
• Try to budget effectively, so I always know what work I need to do, and what work I can turn down.
• Work on negotiation skills, accept it, enjoy it even, as a normal part of doing business, not something to be scared of
• Have a strategic business plan, have a customer, market sectors (that are in need of my services at a reasonable price)