COMPULSIVE SEXTING is yet to be defeated. HELP!!!

Goggins_mode · Nov 2, 2023

CAUTION: NOT PARTICULARLY INTERESTING. WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR OPININION IN CASE YOU HAPPEN TO GO THROUGH

Hi all, to those who are midway through or about to start the NoFap journey... I am glad you are doing something about the problem that has crippled you in variuos aspects of your life.

Okay so here's the thing... around 2021 summer, I decided to start focusing on myself. I wanted to lose weight, get fit, eat healthy, and put a stop to PMO. I have been bothering myself about this girl I like who doesn't like me back for 4 years now (2023 at the time of writing). I wanted to handle it all in one go and realised only then will I be able to be productive in my career path, because I stopped being able to focus on anything but the girl (never in a dirty way, I just wanted to be around her all the time, not for sex, but just her presence makes me feel amazing) except when I'm PMOing. This also added to the guilt part of PMO addiciton, because it felt like I am cheating on her every time I PMOed.

So in the initial months I started long distance running. I dropped a substantial amount of weight after which I was gonna incorporate calisthenics to my workout routine. But bam, COVID 2nd wave started getting serious in my area, and I had to stop running completely. That was around May. But that didn't stop me, I started my calisthenics journey and improved my physique knowing the gains will be slow but persistent. All this while, I didn't put a full stop to PMO, I would avoid Porn often but would MO less frequently (once in 3 days but sometimes twice). Then came a day when I became too horny and installed an anonymous texting app. There was this new sexual energy in me to wanna get laid, and because it wasn't immediately possible for my circumstances, I got into the app. I found few girls, sexted with them and got clinged to that. I even masturbated with a girl on video. All the while, feeling guilty about myself after the act, I decided to pull the plug on that (to be clear, I didn't give up working out this time). After a few uninstallations and reinstallations of the app for sexting, I decided that's enough and deleted my account such that I would never have access to it.Following which, I decided to not watch porn or sext again, and would only MO (basically a Lite Reboot) in moderation.

I still thought it's a win because the constant thoughts of the girl had started waning off.

Then, I started getting back to studies because I had taken a long time off "focusing" on myself. This is stilll during early winter of 2021, when I came across the girl I was talking about (We hadn't particulary been in touch) and we talked, I realised my feelings were just buried but not dead for her. The kicked right back in. I said I can't talk to her without feelings and stopped again. Pissed at her, I decided to start running again (although it had been a few months). Out of anger I pushed too hard when running, kind of punishing myself by running doube the distance I got absolutely tired at.

I increased the intensity of my strength workouts too, and decided to learn new skills in calisthenics. 2days after the run, I started seeing the effects of having injured myself by pushing too hard on that run. I started having constant pains, even if I would rest. This caused me to stop working out completely for a few months. I just took walks to avoid being sedentary. Later, when I stopped walking was when I got relieved.

Then some stuff happened, and I fell back to sexting trying to suppress loneliness. I ended up finding a girl, who I didn't sext with, she happened to share her story about being raped as a kid by her caretaker. She only later realized in puberty that what had happened. She's 7 years younger than me, and I didn't wanna sext with her because felt like it would be a shame to go to that extent, felt like I would be taking advantage of vulneratbility, even though we met on a sexting app. We stayed connected for about a year after that, she was depressed and suicidal, but didn't wanna take action on that child rapist. I wanted to be there for her and help build strength to take action, but had no results. Because I could only connect her through texting, no real contact, she lives in the other end of the country. I figured this can't be helped anyway, because of the distance. I need to be there around her to be able to actually help, which is not possible. So I told her goodbye, and said I'd contact her again after I get my life together (because I myself have been in a hole, and I can only help her if I help myself first).

After that, I made a few attempts on sexting, wasn't very fun, because of the guilt and logic telling me how much time I was wasting. But I tried because I was lonely again, to fill the void. I have moderated my porn and fap use but didn't completely get it out of my system.

A few months later I decided to put an end to it and began the current streak.

30+ days in now, feel a lot better. I don't get overwhelming urges, it's in my control to act on. These urges and my crush (on the girl from class) were a major problem hindering my attention. Hopefully, as I start studying again, I'll see a lot of improved changes.

But I am still guilty of teasing myself, with light sexting with girls I met on reddit. I wanna stop that too, I will soon. Just have something coming up at the end of this week, after which I will have another major change in life, and another step in getting my life together. These 30 days of NoFap will act as a necessary Kick Starter towards my goals.

If anyone has had time to go through it all, I thank you. I welcome any advice or opinion of my sexting habits persisting.

imfinallyquitting · Nov 2, 2023

Sounds like quite the journey and story man. Congrats on making it as far as you have, remember that this journey does have ups and downs. Nobody stops P immediately; it just doesn't happen until we learn more about ourselves.

I know how hard it is to delete apps and go cold turkey on people that you have a genuine connection with. I have cycled through so many Snapchat accounts, Kik accounts, etc. over years. One thing that I have learned is that deleting an account only makes it more frustrating in the future when you go back onto the app, make a new account and starting again. It doesn't seem to fix the underlying problem. I believe that we just need to go through this cycle until we are at a point where we have learned from our mistakes and are able to leave it behind for good.

Remember that 'teasing yourself' on Reddit is completely depleting any progress. It is a brutal cycle. Assuming that the sexting works similarly to P addictions/dependency, it's not the sexting that you crave/want, it is the dopamine that you have become so used to having. Until you cut it out entirely, you are only enabling yourself. Even just a "little bit" is keeping those levels higher than normal and stopping any long-term changes. This all of course ties in with as you said, suppressing loneliness. It all feeds itself. You know deep down that the only way to get out of that 'fake' solution with girls online, is to cut it out and work on yourself as you have been. You will be stuck where you are for as long as you still have one foot in the door.

I also believe that P addictions, and I suppose sexting addictions, same as smoking addictions, all tie into hating ourselves. We have low self-esteem and deploy these destructive habits. Our brain is always working to turn our internal beliefs into external reality.

Ever heard of a "burning desire" to win? The saying is derived an ancient story, where attackers of an island city literally burned their ships to the ground before starting their attack. With no possible way out, they had to keep moving forwards. You must burn all of your bridges to your old self. As long as you have even one escape route, your brain will take it every single time that things get tough. It isn't easy when we are playing a mental game, and can always create new accounts. But that's the hard part about this issue. It takes self-reflection and education, and a "burning desire" to overcome.

Another saying, by Robin Sharma is: "Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end." Tie this in with the escape route and your brain will always push you back towards sexting because it is easy, it is what you have always done. It is literally how your brain is wired. Changing that wiring is one of the hardest things many of us will ever do.

The key thing here is to reach a point, after trial and error, where you genuinely see sexting, and any form of PMO (whatever is holding you back) as something that needs to be destroyed. For as long as your brain still sees it as an option, it will continue to force you towards it. And only with the crystal clear clarity that this thing is holding you back will you be able to resist those urges. This is the cycle that explains why it takes us all so long to beat this.

I'm still going through the process, probably about 10-days into my current streak but genuinely feeling better than ever, so take my words with a grain of salt. I personally find that during all of my best streaks, I have been inspired to learn, anything. Focusing on self-improvement almost religiously, reading A LOT, and distracting my mind with new ideas and thoughts. This seems to make the urges a lot easier to fight for me.

I hope that you found something helpful in here, I sort of just started writing and it ended up being like therapy for me.

Good luck in your fight. I hope that you continue to update this journal? I would gladly check in to see how you are going!

Goggins_mode · Nov 3, 2023

Hey man, I relapsed :/

When I was relapsing, I thought to myself that I will cheat, and not reset my timer. But immediately after the dopamine drop, I came back to my senses and figured it has to be addressed and timer reset. Because, of all, I'll be cheating myself. Which is the worst.

I got talking to this girl in the last few days, teasing and edging.
When I saw her, she was by far the most attractive girl who wanted enjoy sex with me. It's all excuses. I feel guilty now.
I read your comment this morning, and was very moved. First of all, I'm really grateful for you to have taken your time to write it all for me. It's very impacting and makes so much sense.

I get what you mean by there's no point removing access to all social media just to run away from the addiction.

But I have progressed a lot, I can feel good in my brain. It's a setback today, I will never resort to sexting again. No matter how attractive the girl is. I was hesitant to orgasm even today and could definitely stop, but after your wisdom, I figured I was just cheating by edging, sexting, etc. and couldn't control. But I'm glad I wasn't hesitant, because now I can't fake myself to be still progressing.

My psychiatrist says I have a compulsive tendency (traits of OCPD) not severe enough for needing treatment though. He said this is one of the only psych conditions which can be channelled to do a lot better in life. Then I figured this tendency is why I can do anything forever without getting bored. The Girl I have been in love with, I used to think about her almost constantly, which I think is more to do with my compulsive resortment to PMO or sexting messing up my Dopamine baseline, has everything to do with it. Because during the streak, I was able to let go of her, not all the time, but fot the most. It's like everything is interlinked and if I tackle this core problem, I will have initiated progressing in life back again.

I'll be rereading your comment for a day or two, to get it all in and respect, because there's a lot of wisdom in it for my situation.

I think by restarting this streak, I will be able to handle this weakness as well. I hope nothing else uncovers, I'll keep journaling as you suggested. Thanks for making me feel looked after by keeping an eye on the journal. This is very powerful for me. I WILL NOT let you down.

As you were implying, this feeling of being alone, not having connected romantically with anyone in real life, makes be go back all the time. I shouldn't make it an excuse again. Even though I might be repeating this, I will do my best to handle this.

Just for myself, here are the goals added for me:

No more teasing/edging.

No more entertaining any talk related to sex with any girl (or guy, I doubt it but who knows what I will end up resorting to get the dopamine hit) on the internet

No more DMing girls even if they are on NoFap Reddit. The girl I sexted with, is still in touch, and wants to NoFap too, but I have made it clear to her that we will not sext again. Even the slightest feeling of slip, I'll ask her to stop (removing her will only be hiding the problem and not removing it).

During this streak I broke, I was compulsively reloading my reddit NoFap page to check notifications of what people have to say on my post. So I will be stopping that as well. I'll set a particular time of day, only during which I will check Reddit.

Whenever I slip into compulsively doing anything, I will either workout or read (I have a book which I stopped reading a while back, I'll finish it and move on to the next I have bucketted)

Also, there was this other girl who kind of got annoyed of me for not cumming for her a few days back (me trying fake myself of integrity in not breaking the streak). Thanks to her though, it may be something else, but this is the only reason I could think of why she doesn't wanna talk to me now. Whatever, it happened for good, in the future if she shows any tendency to sext, I will politely decline and lay down the possibility of friendship if she's okay with it.

I found your comment a lot helpful man, I can't thank you enough. Congratulations on your 10 days! I really appreciate you sharing your learnings and helping us out. This support in the NoFap community is so crucial, and giving the society at least a chance to fight against these behavioural addictions.

Until Next Time ✌️

imfinallyquitting · Nov 5, 2023

Congrats on what sounds like some progress!

Just remember that this is a process of self-discovery. It will take time, but if you focus on loving and improving yourself then the need for validation, sexting, should drop off naturally.

Fighting it with willpower will not work. Tackle the root cause! Good luck!

Goggins_mode · Nov 5, 2023

Congrats on what sounds like some progress!
Click to expand...

Thank you

Just remember that this is a process of self-discovery. It will take time, but if you focus on loving and improving yourself then the need for validation, sexting, should drop off naturally.
Click to expand...

Yes man, absolutely! I am already kinda realising the slow progress. Particularly in not feeling sorry for myself like, and not being sad anymore. It's like I am finally in a neutral state of mind, peaceful. I will keep working on myself, I have started reading the book I had queued for a very long time, and it feels rewarding and not forceful. Maybe it's because of the dopamine baseline getting back to normal.

Fighting it with willpower will not work. Tackle the root cause! Good luck!
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot man! I have made peace with my sexting compulsion too now, but I'll keep my guards up. It's like I know how to just let it go. Also, I will be getting a job now and occupy myself, so I have something to wake upu to everyday.
Really appreciate your support, I'm very grateful

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COMPULSIVE SEXTING is yet to be defeated. HELP!!!

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